Happy St. Patrick's Day, Fools!

Before you ask: No, there is not a new Antichrist among us (or maybe there is). This is my delightfully evil little goddaughter, Mad Dog, showing her pride at the South Side Irish Parade on Sunday. See, it's not all hate and complaining about stupid people on this site. Sometimes there are cute babies, like my little chicken here. Now go have a drink!


Proper Irish stay home on St. Patrick's Day,
Jillian O'Devil

Let's Eat Some Things!

Oh my word, can I fucking tell you people how sick I have been this week? It's been awful, I thought I was going to die. It was 3 solid days of fevers, hot and cold sweats, and a horrifying hacking cough that, after a full day of it, caused immense strain and subsequent shooting pain through all of my abdominal muscles. The cough and pain was so bad on Day 2 that I threw out a muscle in my back causing me to fall over and then crawl to my bed where I lay, nearly paralyzed, for about 9 hours. I know I'm being entirely too dramatic, but you just tell me you're any better when you're sick. I pride myself on not being crippled, so it's especially harsh when I find myself so.

In addition to all the joy above, I have had no appetite at all, subsisting on lemon lime soda and anger alone. And that's not a meal, folks.

Miraculously, my appetite has returned! I'm quite pleased and, obviously, hungry. Never one to be stingy with the good moods (or bad moods for that matter), here's a list!


THINGS THAT ARE GOOD TO EAT

I don't know about you but, personally, I like to eat food.

TAHINI

Tahini is sesame seed paste and it's in all sorts of things you love (by 'you', I mean 'me'), like hummus and jerusalem salad. Now, I know how folks do these days: nobody cooks anymore and you all live on packaged prepared foods (and by 'you', I mean 'you' cuz I don't pull that shit). Good for you, you're slowly stewing your organs in preservatives and chemical additives. Would it kill you to make something from scratch once in a while? No, it wouldn't.

If that's not enough incentive (in addition to the obvious notion that it would please me and curry favor with your lord Satan), packaged prepared foods are much more expensive and the economy sucks. Even if you aren't suffering financially, it's de rigeur to pretend you are anyway and act appropriately. See what I did there? You now have 4 good solid reasons to actually make some real food in your kitchen. To recap:

REASONS TO FUCKING COOK SOMETHING ALREADY
a.) You won't stew your organs in chemicals and preservatives (as much).
b.) It will please me and Satan
c.) It's cheaper
d.) These days, it's cool to appear frugal and you wouldn't want to be uncool, would you? No you wouldn't.

Gahh, what was I even talking about? Oh yeah: Tahini!
Now, granted, you can't find this everywhere but a jar of it will last you months and months and it doesn't cost much. At the very least, I'm sure you can get it at Asshole Central (aka Wholefoods) or order some online if you live in Nowhere.

So what do we do with it? How 'bout some hummus. Everybody loves hummus, it's the official food of the vegetarian nation.

HUMMUS!!

Tools:
can opener, blender (you can use a food processor, but who even has one of those except for newlyweds and they haven't even taken it out of the box.)

Ingredients:
16oz. can Chickpeas, drained
1/4 cup liquid from chickpeas
juice of one medium lemon (3-5 tbsps)
2 tbsps Tahini
2 cloves Garlic, minced or put through a garlic press
2 tbsps Olive oil
1 tsp Salt/ 1 tsp Pepper (or whatever to taste)

Method:
Put everything in blender. Blend. If it's too thick, add more chickpea juice.
I like to double or triple the recipe because it will keep in the fridge in a tupperware or jar for a few weeks.

Variations:
You can put anything in hummus, more or less. Most spices work well, canned artichokes, frozen spinach, canned red peppers, whatever you're into. My favorite is the basic hummus topped with diced cucumbers, tomatoes and red onion and a splash of vinaigrette. Alright, now I have to break for lunch, this post is killing me.


Okay, I'm back. That was some good hummus. Let's talk about more food!

This is a rant I like to call

WHY WHOLEFOODS CAN GO SUCK A DICK

I don't know if I've bitched about Wholefoods on this blog before. Probably, but I'm going to do it again anyway.

If it wasn't evident from the title, I do not like Wholefoods. I think the whole idea of Wholefoods is smug and annoying in effort to appeal to the smug and annoying among us. I know it's the thing to eat 'NATURAL' and 'ORGANIC' and to pay for the priviledge, but honestly folks - can't you even tell when you're being duped? Well obviously not if I have to go and tell your asses. Get your pretty little eyes and ears ready, because it's Jillian-dropping-some-super-science time:

NATURAL and ORGANIC are SUBJECTIVE terms. Did you get that? Do you know what it means?

NATURAL and ORGANIC are not government regulated. There are no penalties for lying about your product being NATURAL or ORGANIC. Since producing NATURAL and ORGANIC products is much more costly to the manufacturer, and the products labled as such generally sell for higher prices, do you think it is beneficial for a manufacturer to lie about their products being NATURAL or ORGANIC just to make a buck? I'm not going to answer that question for you, I just hope you're revelling in how dumb you've been. And please don't come back with "but I've seen things that say 'Certified Organic' and whatnot - don't say none of this is regulated." Sure, but who is it regulated by? These are still independent bodies, not government controls.

Still don't buy it? I'll give you, hands down, the most egregious use of NATURAL that I have witnessed. A few years ago, 7Up repackaged and remodelled to call it's product ALL NATURAL!! in all of its advertising. The second ingredient in 7Up, after water, is high-fructose corn syrup. High-fructose corn syrup is corn syrup that has been heated and treated in a lab to increase the sugar content per volume. High-fructose corn syrup does not occur anywhere in nature yet 7Up calls its product ALL NATURAL.

The point I'm getting to here is that Wholefoods is built on a bunch of bullshit and trends. People want organic and natural, but they don't have sense enough to know when their being taken for a ride. Hell, people don't even know why they want these things other than being told they want them.

So, why do you want to eat all organic?
"Because they have no pesticides"
Why don't you want pesticides?
"Because they're bad for you"
How exactly are they bad for you, provided you adequately clean your produce?
"Because they're harmful to your body"
Yes, but how exactly?
"Um, err, um, errr..."

What are the differences in your health when consuming regular produce versus organic? What studies have shown the benefit of organic produce? Do you even ask yourself these questions as you're paying 5 times the going rate for a tomato or do you just blindly follow trends? Wash your apple with dishsoap before you eat it and stop being so damn impressionable.

In addition to the fallacies they're built on, Wholefoods staff just makes me want to kill them. Not in a 'gahh, they make me so mad, I'm going to give them the side eye' kind of way, but the 'I want to grab them by the hair and bash their skulls against the wall until they crack open like melons' way. Seriously, they infuriate me.

On the few occasions I have been self-hating enough to pop into a Wholefoods for a few immediate necessities, I have walked out with even greater fury for Wholefoods as a Whole. A few stories, for the children:

I go into Asshole Central to buy a loaf of bread. I go in, get bread, go to the counter. It is not busy and there are a few manned registers with no line at all. I step up to one with a young man behind the counter. I stand there. I clear my throat. I say 'EXCUSE ME! MAY I PLEASE PURCHASE THIS BREAD'. This kid finally takes his eyes off of his FRESHMAN COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY BOOK (oh yes he did) and looks at me like I just walked in on him in the bathroom. Yes, I was loud. I am usually loud because I don't like to fucking repeat myself. I sure as shit do not like to be forced to be loud when some shitty collegiate cliche who is being paid to be there gives me fucking attitude for being expected to do the job for which he is being paid.

The jackass pauses for a beat, giving me the opportunity to both hate him more and shove the bread at him while saying 'RING THIS UP'. He does so in his most petulant fashion - because it's not like people at Wholefoods are paid to be nice to you - sets the bread in front of me and goes right back to reading his book. I say 'CAN YOU PUT THIS IN A BAG PLEASE?', whereupon jackass rolls his eyes at me and says "You didn't say you wanted a bag". Please let me note that all I had on me was a small handbag and it was raining outside. And I was buying bread. BREAD. RAIN. He bags, I mumble something along the lines of 'fucking idiot', he gives me a dirty look, I give him one back and smirk at his pretentious yet immature reading material, shake my head and vow never to shop at the AssFoods again. And I haven't.


You know, I start talking about food and it all devolves into how I hate people. Shocking, truly.

Let's talk about food again, something more cheerful. Like cupcakes. Mmmm, now I'm going to have to get a cupcake (geez, I'm so impressionable). And where does the devil go for sweets?

TIPSYCAKE

Of course, Tipsycake is in Humboldt Park, where all great things are, on California near Division. The buttercream icing here is the best I have ever had in my life and I've had a lot of icing. They also make something called Rugelach, which the Australian proprietess (Naomi, she has a funny accent) assures me is an Australian specialty. I say it doesn't sound Australian, but aside from kangarookoalabearFostersShrimponthebarbie, what does really? Yes, I'm a jerk but Naomi is a friend and friends make fun of other friends' heritages. It's just what's done.

Anyway, go there because it's the jam (baking pun!). They do wedding cakes and crazy 3D cakes too, tell them Jillian sent you and they'll treat you better than just some motherfucker off the street.



So I was going to write up a list of things that you can eat but I got hopelessly sidetracked as usual,

Jillian

I AM A COMMODITY! BUY ME!

(sold AS-IS, 'is really annoying' will not be a sufficient reason for return)

See something new here on The Devil Page? No, I haven't changed my hair. Yes, I did lose weight, how nice of you to notice! It's the terrible-weeklong-flu diet combined with constant-hacking-cough to work the abs, but it's not what I was referring to.

There are ads here now!

It's hard times, folks, and we all need to make a little extra cheddar. CLICK ON THE ADS!!!

Really, click on them. Then come back and click on some more. It will only take you a second and it will make me very happy.

Now, please don't think I'm actually asking you to do something selfless. You know I'm smarter than that. Social altruism is all about self-interest and I am prepared to interest you into playing along with my money-making scheme here.

So how do we do this, eh? We could go on the honor system, but we've already mentioned how I'm not stupid. I suppose you could send me screen grabs of the ads you've clicked through, but that seems like a lot of effort. Oh well, honor system it is. As a caveat, I will say that, for those who may be inlcined to abuse said honor system, you'll get found out. I'm more clever than you can hope to be. If you mess with the bully, you will get the horns.

Now the fun stuff! You can earn Frequent Evil Points (TM) for every click on my page's ads. These FEPs (TM) can be redeemed for wonderful prizes!!!

"But what kind of wonderful prizes, Jillian?"

Oh, all sorts of stuff, as I have much to offer. Let's set up a schematic, which will seem entirely arbitrary because it is. Everything is, god is dead. Anyhoo:

10 Frequent Evil Points
Hmmmm, for 10 points, I will write a blog on the topic of your choice. Hell, I'll even write a blog about you if that's what you want. Don't think that's a great prize? It's ten fucking points, don't be so greedy.

20 Frequent Evil Points
I will send you a tiny plastic ninja in the mail. Then I will know where you live, ahahahahahaha! If tiny ninjas are not available, I will send you a tiny plastic chollo. Boriqua!

50 Frequent Evil Points
Oh god, I just heard the queerest fucking thing on TV. This bitch just said "I'm a singer/songwriter in a general laborers body." How nice for her: she's a fucking moron and an annoying, banal one at that. What was I saying? Oh yeah, prizes. For 50 points, I will send you a food item in the mail. It could be a delicious homemade cookie, it could be some Ramen noodle, part of the fun is that you won't know until it shows up. The only thing I can guarantee is that it will be vegetarian, because that's how devils roll. If you prefer to forage for your own foodstuffs, I will give you one of my award winning recipes (I gave them awards myself).

100 Frequent Evil Points
Should you manage this many click throughs from my page, I should be rolling in cash money yo. And I'm happy to spread the wealth - if you get 100, I will buy you a beer. Not everyone is so fortunate to live in Chicago so, should you reach this level of Jillian Devotion (TM), I will find someone in your locality to buy you a beer. Please don't find my claim dubious - I know lots of people who know lots of people. And satanism is a lot more popular than you might think.

Alrighty, folks, get clicking and start earning your fabulous prizes! If you have an idea for a more suitable prize, I will certainly take it into account if it's within reason.


Gotta go, time to conquer the world

J-Illa

Well damn, this thing is still here? Good thing I'm still awesome.

I know, I know, I KNOW. It's been a while.

"Why so long, Jillian? Don't you care about your faithful fans?"

No, I don't care. And I don't owe you an explanation. HOWEVER, seeing as I am a supremely generous and kind individual, I will share a little insight.


THE EVOLUTION OF THE BLOG, ahem, MEME

May I begin by saying it's verging on douchy to use the term 'meme', although the meaning suits my purpose in this case. It is definitely douchy to use the term 'douchy' or any of its incarnations. Now that were all super fucking cool and current, let me go on.
I started this blog because I am hopelessly narcissistic and I have no doubt that the world at large only needed the opportunity the hang on my every word. I also have a thing or two to say that may approach intelligent discourse and ORIGINAL THOUGHT. Also, I'm funny and the things I like are much cooler than the things you like. Basically, I have a lot to offer and, being supremely generous (see above), I shared.

I kept on with this little page, sharing my message of anti-lameness mostly to amuse myself. Oh, you're surprised? It's all about me and it will always be about me. If this is news, you haven't read my blog.
After a while, Blogging was all the rage. Everyone was doing it, lameness benchmarks like the Today Show started talking about how everyone's doing it, and then the various backlash articles started about how ridiculously self-indulgent and unnneccessary it all is, a product of the narcissistic/exhibitionist generation whatever.
Now, I admit that I didn't invent blogging (I just perfected it, ha!) but I was getting sick of the oversaturation of sub-standard blogging. Most people are stupid and boring and shouldn't be sharing their opinions. Elitist? YES and so what. I've read that 80% of people believe they are above average intelligence. Even worse, most people I mention that statistic to don't see the logical failing of it. Frightening. Anyhoo, what I'm saying is that the market became full of garbage and I got bored of it.
And now I'm bored from that explanation.

[DIGRESSION ON THE DUMBASS TODAY SHOW

The Today Show is so goddamn stupid. There really isn't any other way to put it. Kathie Lee Gifford is on it - I don't really need to say more. But I will. No, I do not typically watch this show, it's probably been ten years since I gave it any regard. I've been sick all week and understandably sedentary and brain-addled, leading to my viewing of the show this morning.

Brace yourself, because what I'm about to write will make you scratch your eyes out. Braced? Good, here goes:
There was a segment on the show today featuring not one but TWO DOCTORS. The doctors were there to discuss how you can tell the difference between....(deep breath)....having the flu and having a heart attack! REALLY. Really really really, no joke, this is what they were talking about. Do you know how to tell the difference between the two?
OF COURSE YOU DO! WHO WOULD FUCKING CONFUSE HAVING THE FLU WITH IMPENDING CARDIAC ARREST?!?!? Oh yes, the braintrusts that watch the Today Show must have this problem all the time. Good thing Kathie Lee is there to help.]


So, I explained why I stopped, but why am I starting again? To put it quickly and simply, my sister (the indefatigable Bridget) bothered my ass until I did. She also feeds my ego by telling me about others who have encountered my blog and 'GUSHED' about its greatness. That always works.

IT'S A FRESH NEW YEAR, LET'S HAVE SOME BLOG GUIDELINES AND GENERAL NOTES

1.) Leave comments. I like it, The dark lord likes it, and it will result in feeding orphans in Africa. Of course, by 'orphans in Africa', I mean 'my ego'.

2.) Sure, you may disagree with me from time to time. Go nuts. But please be forwarned that, should you choose to share your discontent with me in a less than deferential fashion, I will subject you to public scorn. It's not that I can't take criticism, I just don't want to hear you bitch.

3.) If you are a screenwriter or know someone who is a screenwriter, let me know STAT. We all know the, um, ISSUES a certain E. Murphy has been having in recent years and the only way to save this national cinematic treasure is to get The Golden Child II in production as soon as possible. I can write (obviously) but I don't know the first thing about scripting. No, this is not a joke.

4.) If you have questions for me, the glorious J. T. Devil, or ideas for blog topics or something else of value to share, email me at jillianthedevil@hotmail.com.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT OF VALUE: links to your websites, any sort of advertisement, telling me I'm 'not all that'. Of course I am, so don't mess.


In any case, I'm back. Go slaughter a goat in thanks.

Jillian the Devil