I'm gonna stab a bitch

[I wrote this a while ago, but it's been sitting in my drafts, unfinished, for weeks. It's rather....um....vitriolic, and I was pretty peeved when I put the brunt of this down. I'll wrap up the story and ad an update for the current situation. And then I'll publish something much more interesting and cheerful because, honestly, I'm just not feeling very bitchy today. Don't worry, it won't last.]

[Also, considering the crankiness I'm subjecting you to, I've added some photos as a special treat. The first photo is the wedding party, so you can get a good look at Shirley's crazy yellow Barbie hair. The second picture is Kim, who obviously ran afoul of the photographer. The last is the gorgeous bride and groom from my harrowing tale. Enjoy!]


Good grief, could people possibly be more selfish and shitty? For someone not really known for kindness and pleasantry, it seems a bit wrong that I take such exception to the character of a lot of individuals. They call me The Devil, yet I seem to be of the minority that actually know how to treat people.

Here's where this is coming from....

We did the wedding of Kris and Marty last Friday and, as expected, it was hectic and stressful and the usual suspects made a point of causing more grief and trouble than anything else. The usual subjects of which I speak are 3 of Kris' bridesmaids who could possibly be the most vile creatures on this earth. Selfish, rude, bitchy, lazy, indignant, and completely without a fucking clue about how to behave in any sort of proper setting. Would you fucking believe that Kim and Shirley (the maid of honor and matron of honor respectively) chatted with each other during the actual wedding ceremony? The bride and groom were appropriately shocked and pissed -- this was being videotaped for posterity after all -- but I'm terribly curious as to what they expected out of those two. I know both of those idiots and I sure as shit didn't expect them to act with any sort of composure. They're straight up trash, those two, and it is unreasonable to expect that people will change their fundamental natures just because their friend is getting married. They proved this adage a million times over the course of the wedding foolishness.


"You're only as good as your worst friend"

Go ahead and read that statement again. Absorb it, understand it, feel it, breathe it, be it....because it is entirely true. If your family is shitty, there isn't much you can do about it. But friends are the family that you get to choose, and you had better choose wisely.

I try to be a good friend, always. When my friends ask me to be responsible, I am and I'm unfailing. When my friends ask me for a favor, I do anything in my power to grant it. My friends do not have to ask me to be kind or caring or generous or honest....they know I always will be. I expect the same from them and this is the reason I have such good friends. However, I seem to be in the minority.


Kris and Marty are off in Jamaica, enjoying their honeymoon and some exciting hurricanes (stupid global warming making vacationing hard). They had asked me to take care of their myriad animals and watch their house while they are away. I work from home, which is conveniently located down the street from them, and I'm their Responsible Friend. Plus, all of the animals - save for the stupid bunny - seem to like me.

[Here's where my tirade left off, as I was interrupted by the onslaught of EVIL INTERLOPERS! I will now recap the house-sitting experience.]


"Evil interlopers? Jillian, what the fuck are you talking about now?"


Here's the sordid tale:
I hadn't planned on spending most of my time over and Kris and Marty's place. It's no effort to pop in a few times during the day, as Evil HQ is just down the street. However, while I was composing the rant above, Kim and her boyfriend just wandered on in. As we all know, I don't do Kim, so I had made a point of asking Kristin if she was planning on hanging around at their house. Kris said that Kim didn't have a key, as Kris had gotten her key back from Kim.

Guess what? She had a fucking key, walked right in, and seemed extremely put out that I was there. And why might she be annoyed that I was there? Because she wanted to search the place for a little handbag Kris had given her as a bridesmaid gift. She and her boyfriend started going through rooms and opening closets and cabinets. Needless to say, I was shocked and disgusted and put an end to that immediately. Who goes searching through someone's home when they're out of town? Fucking degenerates.

Anyhoo, I stuck around that afternoon until those fuckers finally left. They were there auspiciously to take the dog for a walk, but they didn't even do that. Naturally, I was concerned about the relative safety of Kris and Marty's stuff after what Kim was willing to perpetrate right in front of me, so I made a point of hanging out there as much as I could. And guess what else? It fucking happened again!

"Hey Jillian, you are the toughest medium-sized white girl around, didn't those shitfaces get the picture after the first time they tried to toss the joint?"

Fuck yeah, those motherfuckers did....But then Shirley came over late one night and pulled the same motherfucking stunt. Do you believe that?! Walked right in the house, shocked to see me sitting on the couch watching ANTM marathons(if you don't know, better ask somebody), lied about checking on the dog, and started rooting through the house. SHOCKING. She also had a head full of crazy, bright yellow Barbie hair sewn into her scalp (as usual) and she was very drunk. She drove over there and planned on driving home to the Joliet area. While drunk. Obviously, I was getting sick of defending my friends' place from the Evil Interlopers they thought were their friends. I made it real clear to Shirley that anything she needs at their home can be obtained from Kris and Marty when they returned home from their vacation, and that I better not see her trying this crap again. Fuckin A.

It's been a few weeks since Kris and Marty returned from the honeymoon and got my full report from while they were away. Kris has since dumped Kim and Shirley was on the shit list for a while. I told Kris, when she returned, that she was only as good as her worst friend and she seemed to take that statement to heart. At the very least, I don't have to listen to her badmouthing Kim constantly anymore.


No animals were harmed in the creation of this post,
J

Everybody wants to be me

You know it's true.


I apologize for neglecting my journalistic duties, but it's been non-stop chaos here at Evil HQ. In case you're wondering, those crazy bitches fucking up my friends' wedding plans are still in full effect. One of them has been wailing for days about how no one came to her birthday party; she somehow interpreted my insulting her to her face as us being super good buddies and decided that I didn't show up because I was influenced by the angry bride (note: I didn't go to her birthday party because I don't like her. This is America, I don't gotta like everybody - it's in the Constitution). The other major trouble maker was trying to do damage control all weekend because I caught her on the bus obviously carrying on with a man who is not her long-term live-in boyfriend. Yeah, she's a ho, but I'd have to actually care about her to care if she was a cheating tramp - and alas, I do not. 16 days and counting until this insanity is over.

In other news...

Saturday, I attended a delightful party in honor of my friends' Jason and Erin's birthdays as well as a bon voyage for my hot piece of man meat that's moving to Japan (booooo!). One of Erin's friends brought a pinata filled with tampons, condoms and KY jelly mixed in with the candy and toys. I brought jello shots which caused, in part, an epidemic of drunkenness at the event.

This weekend is the bachelorette party for my girly who's getting hitched soon. It should be an abomination, to put it nicely. I'm bucking convention and bringing my hot ho, David, as my date. Tune in next week to see how dramatic the proceedings turned out (ooooooh, it's gonna be bad....).


I'm feeling self-indulgent today.

Considering that, I shall indulge in one of my favorite activities about one of my favorite subjects. Today's lists are all about me.

I know how badly you all want to be just like me, and why wouldn't you? I rule. Here is some handy information for you to emulate your idol (me).

Jillian like things. These things, in particular...

Jillian's favorite foods

1.) Tomatoes
Dammit, I just can't get enough. I also heard they keep the cancer away. Handy, considering all the things I do to promote cancer.

2.) Crunchy Peanut Butter
Fuckin' A, is there a finer nut-based spread than crunchy PB? I think not.

3.) Pizza
I love pizza. I would eat it for every meal if I could. My favorite is still Piece in Wicker Park, although they have a disconcerting habit of allowing metal shards to fall in the food. Unsettling but, like a gay cowboy, I just can't quit them.

4.) Caeser Salad
There was a 6 month period a few years ago where I consumed little else but caesar salads for every meal. Even breakfast. I'm sure my breath was appalling, but I couldn't control it. I've gotten my habit down to 4 or 5 a week, thanks to the Salad Patch (TM). The Salad Patch is a product I've pioneered to combat caesar addiction: it's an anchovy wrapped in lettuce taped to my upper arm. Considering the stench, it's a wonder that anyone is willing to hang out with me. Oh, I forgot....the smell of my awesomeness is far more overpowering than stinky canned fish.

5.) Creme Brulee
I make a lot of desserts, but this is the only one where I want to consume the entirety of my labors.

Special Bonus Treat
- I don't merely bask in the adoration of my fans, I give back to the people too! For your enjoyment, here's one of my favorite recipes. Go forth and take over the world with...

New Potatoes ala Jillian

I invented this recipe while working on a meal showcasing fresh summer herbs. I assumed it would keep well if I made too much, so I used 10 large new potatoes for a crowd of 5 people. There was a ton of other dishes, but the potatoes were still decimated. The only conclusion I can come to is that this is the most delicious potato preparation in the world.

--New potatoes (the ones with the red skins) : go with about twice as much as you think everybody will eat, 2 large or 3 medium potatoes per person.
--Unripened goat cheese, also called Chevre (it's very soft and creamy, looks like a white log)
--Extra virgin olive oil
--Heavy whipping cream
--Fresh garlic, and do not even try using the minced garlic in a jar. I'll find you and beat you.
--Chopped fresh chives
--Salt and pepper to taste

I never measure anything when I'm cooking, but I'll say the directions below work for approximately 10 largish new potatoes. Increase or reduce appropriately according to your needs.

With skins on, cut potatoes into 1 inch chunks and boil until soft. Combine 5 ounces Chevre, 1/3 cup olive oil, 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream, and 5 or 6 large garlic cloves - diced finely. [Note: the fresh garlic is key because it's so pungent in the recipe that it's almost spicy. You do not get the same effect from the garbage in the jar, so don't mess]. Using a hand mixer, whip the mixture until fluffy - 2 to 3 minutes. Add 1/4 cup freshly shopped chives and mix lightly. Drain potato chunks, allow to cool slightly, and combine with goat cheese mixture. Serve to guests and enjoy being called a culinary genius.


Jillian's Favorite Movies

Looking for some entertainment? Just ask yourself "WWJR?" -- What would Jillian rent?

1.) Anything by Pedro Almodovar.
This bitch is a motherfucking genius. He writes and directs all of his films, and they run the gamut from horror/fantasy (Pan's Labrynth) to unsettling romances (Talk to Her). I'm delighted that the P-man has gotten so much notoriety in the U.S as of late, do yourself a favor and check his shit out. My personal favorite is Bad Education which, of course, should be your personal favorite too.

2.) Big Trouble in Little China
"We really shook the pillars of heaven last night, didn't we?" Yes, you did, sir; yes, you most certainly did.

3.) Blade and Blade II
Everybody knows I enjoy me some monsters. Add super awesome sword fights and an astoundingly dry performance by Wesley Snipes, and it's about the best thing in the world. Also, if you've not heard, the first few minutes of Blade is the finest opening scene ever conceived in any movie ever made ever in the world. And if you've not heard that, where the hell have you been?

4.) The Golden Child
I am fully aware that Eddie Murphy is a dumb douche bag and all of the movies he's made recently are....how to put it?....um, let's just say EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING for him. Allow me to take a moment to address Mr. Murphy directly:

An Open Letter to Eddie Murphy

Yo! Eddie, my man! How's things?

Actually, buddy, I know how things are. They're pretty fucked up for you these days. You knocked up Ugly Spice and tried to deny that the kid was yours. Dude, I was was shocked too to find out that she wasn't a post-op transsexual, but isn't the threat of AIDS and the dreaded syphillerpes enough impetus for you to put a damn condom on? Have some sense. And speaking of having sense, we need to chat about the movies you've been doing.

Norbit? For reals? I know how much you like dressing up as overweight women; this is a quirk your close friends have been dealing with for many years now. But me and your bros are more than a little concerned that you're parading your sick proclivities for all the world to see. Crossdressing is cool, but fat suits are just deviant. Yeah, you were funny as the donkey in the first two Shrek movies, but I heard the third one is a giant steaming pile of feces. Not to mention that these are kid's films. Really, E to the M, what gives?

An intervention is in order, my friend. You're coming over tonight and we're going to watch The Golden Child: not only your finest work, but possibly the best movie ever made. I know it's going to hurt to see how far you've fallen, but we have to do this. Kev, Lil' G, and Pookie are coming over too and we've got all your favorites: Bold n Zesty Chex Mix, roasted suckling pig, white zinfandel, and pineapple Boone's Farm. Just don't make this a repeat of when you came over last week; that hooker you brought left coke all over the bathroom and stole a bunch of my panties. Viva Nepal!

With Love,
Your best friend Jillian






That's it for now, my darlings. I must get back to work spreading the word of the Dark Lord and returning my overdue library books. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked. Wicked awesome, that is!

Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves,
J-Killa

Holy crap, why does anyone do this?

Those of you that don't know me well may be surprised to learn how little of my actual personal life is committed to this page. You read correctly: I hold a lot back, and the entries here are a mere fraction of my day to day insanity. Aside from pondering ways you can hang out with me every day, I'm sure you're curious as to why someone as generally candid as I leaves the more personal information out. I have a few reasons. My friends probably wouldn't be too keen on being blog fodder for much more than their drunken antics, and I respect them enough not to skewer them too badly in a public forum. I don't mention my romantic life either because I wouldn't want to bust on my super mad game. I ain't a player, I just crush a lot.

So, it is with some trepidation that I compose the following tale. I call it...

THIS FUCKING WEDDING IS DRIVING MY ASS CRAZY


Some good friends of mine are getting married next month, and I am stuck being a bridesmaid. That, really, is a bad enough fate. However, as of the weekend, I have realized what a nightmare this event may turn out to be. Do you know what the problem is? The other fucking bridesmaids. For the sake of diplomacy and my friend's sanity, I've been playing nice with this gaggle of self-involved bitches for a few months now....but my patience is waning.

I am not a wedding fan. Sure, it's fun to go to them and get shit-faced, but being involved in the planning of such events is a particular torture unto itself. Super dooper for anybody who is actually into this trifling crap: I really don't care what you like and I'm not here to say marriage is stupid or wrong. I don't give a fuck about marriage: It's probably not for me, but that's not the point. Weddings are stupid and wrong. The planning, the high expectations that everything be perfect....and, apparently, finding the dumbest, rudest, most inconsiderate women you can find to be involved in said event.

Now that last statement is awfully inflammatory, but I concede it is based on my current wedding experience and a rerun of Bridezillas on TV. That's about all the ammo I require for a crass generalization.

Needless to say, I am very disappointed in the majority of bridesmaids involved in the upcoming nuptials. I'm sure it's not a stretch for persons who've never planned a wedding themselves to understand what a large undertaking it is and that it may prove stressful. Why is it, then, that these bitches feel the need to cause extra problems? In fact, the only problems with the wedding so far have been regarding these women. They aren't all bad: there's myself and one particular lesbian that actually make an effort to be useful for our friend. Allow me to repeat: OUR FRIEND. Not some hated relation that's roped these girls into wedding servitude: someone who, in theory, is a close friend of all parties discussed here. What gives?

I'm sure you're thinking "What could they have pulled to elicit such ire, Jillian?" (in addition to being the best-dressed and most interesting person you know, I am also psychic). "Perhaps you just have a low tolerance for dumb peoples' dumb antics, or you're merely bitter for having to show up in public swaddled in lilac polyester satin." While that's not exactly untrue, these chicks have really pulled some crap:

* At the bridal shower yesterday, only 2 of 7 bridesmaids showed up. YEAH, THE FUCKING BRIDAL SHOWER. I would rather undergo bowel surgery, spend a week in a sealed container full of corpses, or wear Sketchers than go to a motherfucking bridal shower. Yet, I was there (getting drunk). Not fucking cool, guys. The bride and groom were genuinely hurt and upset.
I mildly admonished one of these ho's via myspace earlier today, and she thought she was going to try and put me in my place by giving me a sob story about her "if you must know, health problems" that magically and mysteriously cropped up out of the ether on a Sunday afternoon. First off - come on, girl, stop lying. She told the groom earlier in the day that she had cramps, not the ominous "health problems" she was trying to sell me today. And any woman of drinking age knows that claiming cramps on a Sunday afternoon to get out of a boring event means you're hungover. This girl was barely a blip before, but now I really have no respect for her. I'm not giving the others who skipped out a pass on this; they're dicks too, but at least they had better sense than to hurl some overly defensive bullshit at me so I know clearly that they're liars.

*One particularly insane attendant refuses to purchase a hideous lilac dress in a size that fits her. Oh yes, she is one of that obnoxious breed that think her self-worth is somehow linked to the size of clothing she wears. I'm fully aware that she doesn't have a shred of common sense a good portion of the time, but this is completely ridiculous. I'm typically an 8, but the monstrosity I purchased is a 12. Oh well, nobody can see the size on the tag while I'm wearing it even if I did care about such a trivial thing. The loony in question fit nicely into a 14, but ordered a 12 anyway. The 12 arrived and she can't even get into the thing. Instead of ordering a new dress that fits, she plans to starve herself down a few sizes before the wedding. In 3 weeks.
I already know how this is going to turn out: she won't be able to fit into her dress, she'll throw a dramatic tantrum and refuse to be in the wedding, the bride will freak out and start crying, and I'll have to yell at everyone to shut the fuck up and deal with the problem. Oh, and take apart loony's dress so I can perform some field alterations and sew her into the damn thing moments before the ceremony. I am not looking forward to this.

* Two of the bridesmaids have planned the lamest goddamn bachelorette party ever. EVER. I won't go into details, I'll only say Come on, ladies! The last I checked we weren't all sheltered middle age housewives and neither is the bride. LAME!



These are only a few examples of how little these girls care for their friend. It's real shitty and I may be forced to come up with a new threat to get these bitches in line for the wedding. Perhaps offering to get an air rifle for the bride for the day of the wedding - they know, as well as I do, that the bride will open fire on everyone even close to causing trouble. Mostly, I'm just shocked at how jerky they're being overall. If anyone has some good suggestions for dealing with these bitches, please comment. I've tried diplomacy and logic, but that's a losing proposition with this crowd. Right now, my best idea is to slip them some drugs that would make them more amenable without falling down or losing consciousness.


To the bride and groom: If you even read this page, sorry for dragging your shit out but I needed to vent. I can always take the post down if you like. Kisses.

To the bridesmaids: I'd be very surprised to find out you read this, mostly that you can actually read (ohh, that was low, but I don't much bother being nice to people I'm indifferent to at best). Anything I've said about you is, unfortunately, very true. Instead of bothering me with your outrage --again, I don't care if you don't like what I say, so save your breathe-- be less of an asshole to your friend.


This is what I get for caring,
J

Raising Awareness? Give me a fucking break.

I want to brace everyone before I get started here. I am not in fine spirits this morning, and with good reason. You may be stunned by the following hate-filled tirade, but everything I plan to say needs to be said desperately. I went to an event last night to raise awareness about the environmental plight and awareness was, indeed, raised. I am aware that people are fucking idiots.


WHAT IS THIS 'ENVIRONMENT' OF WHICH YOU SPEAK?

So....we're all clear on what pollution is, correct? We know what causes it? It's around 3 years of age that humans can distinguish between dirty and clean things; it's quite a rarity to see a grown person chow down on a handful of dirt. The environment is the same concept, yes? This is ridiculously simple shit. You know when you suck in a lungful of car exhaust that it is not a good, healthy thing. Everyone has seen a garbage dump before. You can see the gray clouds of smog that gather over major cities. Since we're all aware of these things, what awareness is it that one must raise with an event such as the Live Earth Concert?

"Oh, but Jillian, their hearts are in the right place! These rich rock stars and actors are at least doing SOMETHING for the environment!"

I know you're thinking it. You've been sucked into some bullshit, my friends. A giant steaming pile.
-First off, what exactly are these people doing for the environment? Are they raising money for scientific research in green technology? Ummmm, NO. They're raising motherfucking AWARENESS about an issue people are already real goddamn clear on. GREAT. FANTASTIC. How USEFUL!!! Have they collected this giant audience together to go clean up parks in blighted areas of the giant cities they're performing in? NO!!!!!! They've collected all these people to watch them spew out their particular brand of bullshit and inoffensive pop music.

-Secondly....celebrities, people? I want you all to pay close attention to this next statement as it it is vital:

IF YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT ACTORS OR MUSICIANS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT POLITICAL ISSUES, YOU ARE AN ASS.

Seriously, folks, that is so goddamn idiotic. These are people who do not live in any kind of reality. They earn outrageous sums of money and live in a world distorted by their fame and affluence. Still interested in arguing this one with me? How many actors do you know that have Ph.d's in environmental science? Hell, any kind of advanced degree that has nothing to do with acting. Yeah, I thought so.


THE REAL ISSUE


This is the bit that people don't love to chat about. This is the part that everyone makes excuses for. This is the real issue:

WE CHOOSE TO POLLUTE


We've established that we all know the causes of pollution, yet the U.S. is fighting a war in the Middle East to rape more fossil fuels from the environment over there to bring over here to cause more pollution in our air and water. DID YOU FUCKING HEAR THAT? People are dying so you can gas up your car.

Automobiles are the BIGGEST cause of pollution in the United States. Hands down, winner by a landslide. We know this (really, you absolutely cannot deny it), but we get in the car anyway.


ALLOW ME TO SET THE SCENE...

My sister proposed an evening out yesterday, attending the 'Party for the Planet' at The Butterfly Social Club (no, I didn't make that up). It was an event at a a bar to screen the Live Earth Asshole Fest and, I assumed, have some discourse on environmental issues and do something productive about them. I have many inflammatory and negative things to say about this scene, and you know I'm fond of lists. Here goes...

1.) BUTTERFLY SOCIAL CLUB
This bar is styled as an all organic and clean air smoke-free establishment, and it looks like something out of a hippies wet dream. The whole interior looks like it's sculpted out of mud (or feces), with organically designed seating and stupid ass fake butterflies hanging from the ceiling. The only thing missing was the pot smoke but, alas: smoke-free. All of the drinks served were organic, and one could enjoy their pesticide-free fruit gruel with some putrid vegan food being served. Out of disposable plastic containers. On disposable plastic plates. With disposable plastic flatware.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I am a black-hearted bastard anyway, but is it really necessary to be so motherfucking flagrant about your phoniness? Because that's truly what this Butterfly place illustrates so nicely: fake environmentalism. We'll get back to this.


2.) MoveOn.org

The event was thrown by MoveOn.org, so you know the useless bastards to blame for this mockery of activism.


3.) THE CROWD

I attended this event with my sister, and two other young women. I wasn't terribly shocked, however, when we arrived to find a room full of hippie-looking middle aged folks. Let's do a fun exercise. Imagine for me, if you will, your picture of an average environmentalist. Is it a middle age, peace and lovin' type, maybe with some long hair and clothes that say "I don't sweat fashion because I focus my energies on actual IMPORTANT things"? I'm ashamed to say that, like many others, this is the picture I have. And these were the people in attendance.


How do I put this nicely? I don't, that's how. I'M CALLING OUT YOU MIDDLE AGE ENVIRONMENTALISTS! Guess what, you fucking cunts, YOU DID THIS. Your generation and your parents generation. Glamorizing the automobile, creating demand for disposable everything and high-tech lab-created materials because 'it's the wave of the future' or some such nonsense. This is the legacy you have passed on to my generation, and you want to sit there with your gray ponytail and hemp shirt and tell me you care about the fucking environment. Well fuck you.

You people are worse than your peers that happily prowl the streets in their supersize SUVs and toss trash out the window. At least those motherfuckers know they're motherfuckers. You flit about, talking recycling of bottles and cans, and posture this image of earth-friendliness. Maybe you buy paper towels made out of recycled materials and organic produce, but you still get in your gas-guzzling automobile to go to the giant, corporate owned supermarket that lies about the organic produce anyway. You all go ahead and perpetuate this consumerist existence, and you only do the easy stuff when it comes to your 'politics'.


After that last bit, I expect a flurry of defensive tactics from anyone that may see themselves in those last few paragraphs. Here is my response: you've all been here on this earth roughly twice as long as I have. And what have you accomplished? The environment is wretchedly polluted, the most damage having been done in the last 50 years or so (and getting consistently worse). Hey shitheads - THIS WAS ON YOUR WATCH! And what do you have to show for all of your organic produce and criminalizing of aerosol hairspray? THE ENVIRONMENT IS WORSE AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THAT.


LET'S JUST GO BACK TO HATING ON EVERYBODY


As I mentioned before, the phenomenon is fake environmentalism. Putting on a real good show of caring and conserving because that's what's cool. It's not only my parents' generation doing this, young people are guilty too. Guilty of not caring enough, guilty of laziness, guilty of desire for instant gratification and the latest commodity. We all do it.

I'm getting really tired of the vanity environmentalists and their phony earth-saving antics. Here are two examples of not only wasted efforts, but activities in the name of environmentalism that actually hurt the environment:

PURE AIR!
At the event last night, this middle aged bitch was passing out cards that read "PURE AIR/ You Deserve It!" on the front and "Please TURN OFF Your Engine When Not Driving. /Thank You :)"
WELL, ISN'T THAT HELPFUL!! You mean, I shouldn't just leave my car running twenty-four hours a day? Huh, well if you say so! How stupid is this sentiment, people? It's not "Stop driving your car so much" or "Buy a hybrid vehicle that uses less fossil fuel". NO, this ass was telling people to turn their cars off when they aren't driving. Additionally, the cards that this woman was handing out to everyone attending are made out of heavy, unrecycled card stock with a plasticizing coating to make them water proof. Hey bitch, how pure is the air over the landfill these cards full of trite, useless sentiments will be resisting biodegradation in? Conveniently, she included her email address on the card, if you would care to send her a note telling her what a dumb cunt she is (elainelemx@aol.com). You're welcome to reference me, I'm the bitch in the pink dress that shouted at her at the bar.


LIVE EARTH!

"Hey everybody, let's have a super awesome concert so we can raise some awareness and stuff about, like, the environment and shit. It will be an excellent opportunity to have people look at us, because you know we celebrity types can't possibly get enough attention. Plus, everybody will think we're all, like, smart and responsible."

To recap, money was not raised for environmental ACTION. Nobody learned anything new about what we all, in our own lives, are doing to contribute to pollution. Let us investigate what actually was accomplished:
-Huge amounts of electricity were expended putting on this extravaganza. Power plants (you know, they make the electricity) are notorious pollution sources.
-Gas powered generators were used, pumping noxious fumes out into the air.
-An enormous crowd of people acquired disposable paper tickets for the event, drove their cars there, purchased engineered and hormone-filled fast food and beverages in disposable containers, which they then disposed of or merely dumped on the ground.
-Land that could be full of vegetation was full of people and machines.
All I see here is USE USE USE. The only thing accomplished was more trash, more energy expenditure. No action, only more pollution. And people sitting back and applauding these imbeciles for their good deeds. Fucking christ.


BITCH BITCH BITCH

It ain't all I do, folks. I try to do my bit for the environment, personally and socially. Now, this is my rant, and I hardly need to defend myself to you guys, but I'll go ahead and tell you about what I do to help the environment. I'm not trying to be self-righteous or claim that I'm not part of the problem like everybody else. The sad fact is that the little I do to improve our planet is a lot more than most people do, and I hope I can inspire people to revolt against laziness and despondency through my example. And also threat of violence, but we'll get to that.

Here's the thing about activism, and it's a good one, so pay attention: People who've not been heavily involved in grassroots activism have trouble sometimes seeing the point of it all. What can one tiny person do to make a difference? How will my one tiny act make any difference at all? These are the fallacies that people are working under when they decide to drop that gum wrapper on the ground or use a paper plate when they have proper dishes available. The honest truth, the reality of the situation, is that every single person and every single act makes a huge difference. I hate to get poetic on you, but the culmination of millions of tiny raindrops is a raging storm. So don't give me that "what difference does it make" horse shit.

A DISCOURSE ON GARBAGE

Garbage is bad. Some garbage is more bad than other garbage. If you take some garbage and sit it in water for a few days and, when removed, it hasn't changed in any respect? That's some bad garbage. It doesn't disappear when it leaves your home in a tidy plastic hefty sack. It goes to a landfill, where it gets buried in the ground, and it sits there. In the environment.

HEY EVERYBODY, MAKE LESS FUCKING GARBAGE!
Don't buy paper plates and plastic flatware. Washing dishes won't kill you, you lazy fuckers. Use a real towels and reusable sponges whenever you can instead of going through rolls of paper towels. DON'T BUY INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED FOOD PRODUCTS! This seems like a no-brainer, but people just adore convenience foods in tidy, easy little packages. Do you mean to tell me that you don't have the 20 seconds it requires to drop your crackers or prunes or chips or whatever into a tupperware container? Come on, you ain't that important. And yes, you heard me correctly: Tupperware! Not disposable baggies which, if you must use them, can be reused quite easily numerous times.

I'm not going to be like that shitbag, Sheryl Crowe, and tell you to only use one square of toilet paper. I'm telling you to pay attention to the garbage you create and cut out as much of it as you can. Again, we're talking tiny raindrops. Instead of that pre-washed lettuce at the grocery store in it's thick and shiny colored plastic bag, put an unwrapped head of lettuce in the ultrathin plastic produce bags available. If you think that's a trivial thing, get yourself a sample of each bag and wad them up as tight as you can: the shiny colored plastic bag is about 4 times the size. That's only one example of things you may have never considered making unnecessary waste. Really, all it takes to makes a giant impact on how much garbage you produce is thinking about this stuff and making better, more responsible choices. So do it already.

SPEAKING OF GARBAGE...NEVER LITTER
Never ever ever ever ever ever litter. Ever. I hit people for littering. If I am unable to do any physical damage to litterers or their property, they can most certainly expect a loud and furious indictment of their character. I'm crazy and I will step up to anybody, and littering is abominable. Intolerable, in fact, and I do not tolerate it.

Aside from my rather unhinged but proactive stance on littering, I also pick up garbage on the streets and put it in a receptacle.

"Ewwwwwwwww, Jillian! That is so gross! It's dirty and icky and I'm a delicate sissy!"

You know what I say to that? Man up, you little primadonnas. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of gazing upon my lovely visage, I'm an awfully fancy woman. Dresses, make-up, high heels, the works. While my personality doesn't lend itself to many typically feminine attributes, I'm all girl on the outside (and well turned out to boot). So, if I can bend over and pick up a candy wrapper or an empty bag of chips outside in all of my finery, you most certainly can too.
THIS IS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING PROACTIVE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
Not the bullshit of signing petitions or talking about pesticides like you actually know how that shit works (lack of scientific knowledge in the populace is a rant for another day), here is an activity you can do every damn day to make an obvious difference in the cleanliness of your environment. People are less likely to litter in clean areas rather than places with litter everywhere; see all the good you can do by picking a few wrappers here and there? This makes a difference, my friends, and any talk similar to the quote above will be met with a furious thrashing. As always, if I have to take off the heels to beat you, you're getting twice the beating.


RECYCLE
You know what that is. If you have recycling programs in your area, use them.

We recently got exciting new blue bins in my neighborhood for a new recycling program the city is working out. I have harassed the living hell out of everyone I know in the neighborhood to use them, including strangers and purveyors of local businesses that I frequent. Some of you are really going to the effort, even hiking your bag of trash a half block away to the nearest blue bin (Marty, you're a champ). Some of you, you know who you are (and so do I, I'm smart like that), are too lazy to bother. So you don't bother because you've decided that the small effort it takes to set recyclable garbage aside and drop it into a different bin really isn't worth it to conserve materials and keep that extra crap out of the landfill. Your few seconds of time that you hold so dear....I hope you're curing cancer, because anything less just makes you a giant asshole.

THE BIG ONE

You didn't think I'd let you all slide about your fucking cars, did you? For the record, I do not have a car. I am more than content not having a car. I like to be able to read or do the crossword when in transit; when you drive, all you can do is pay attention to driving. Plus, I don't get sucked out to boring activities in the suburbs nearly as often as I would if I was...how shall I put it....part of the huge horrible planet-killing problem.

I actually do have a nice moment here and there, and I will exhibit some kindness here by allowing the cat I'm calling out for spewing transportation fallacies to remain anonymous. This person, who lives within the realm of Chicagoland, actually said that public transportation in this country is terrible. EXCUSE ME?! My problems with this statement:
1.) Public transportation in Chicago and throughout the suburbs is pretty damn fantastic. We're no Paris, but we do a damn good job here where public transportation is concerned. Regardless of what the situation is in the rest of the country, this person lives here.
2.) How exactly would this person have any idea about the quality of public transportation when they never employ it. Ever. Any number of excuses can be made as to why a car is necessary in the suburbs and for work purposes, but that's not really the point here. The point here is statements made about a subject on which that person is ignorant. You know I love ya, boo, but this is the unvarnished truth.

And why would someone make such a statement, not based on fact or personal experience? Because it's just another stock excuse. Something to roll off the tongues of socially responsible people when they get called out on their choice to pollute. This goes back to the real reason for how fucked the environment has gotten: we choose to pollute. Even people living in the city and working in the city opt to drive a car. WE KNOW THE DAMAGE THEY CAUSE. There are other options available, yet people will opt for more comfort and seclusion and convenience. Because that's what we do, we're all a bunch of selfish dickheads. It's merely human nature to be so self-involved, but human nature is a double edged sword.

We homo sapiens are a lucky bunch: we have all this terrific brain power to adapt to our environment and make complicated leaps of logic to see big pictures. So, as selfish as we are, we also know better than to be so self-serving. We can put two and motherfucking two together and realize that all this unnecessary vehicle use is going to result in everybody being supremely fucked.

I'm not saying that you should drive your cars into the sea, but be a bit more judicious about using it. If you need to go two blocks away, get your off your soft ass and walk there. If it's two miles, walk. It's not like Americans couldn't do with more exercise and you don't even have to pay for a gym membership. The worst offenders are in the suburbs, for the sole reason that there is parking for your pollution-machine anywhere you'd like to go. Anybody notice all that congestion on the expressways? Well, the next time your doughy suburban ass wants to come into the city on some sort of leisure expedition, take the train. It's clean, it's safe, and there are far fewer fumes to inhale than sitting in gridlock on the highway. If you work a job in the city that doesn't require constant travel during the day, take the train to work. Everyday. Every one of you that can.

For the love of all that is evil, DO NOT PURCHASE AN SUV!
I know you think they look cool, and everybody's got one, and you just have to be just like everyone else - but please, I beg you, do not buy a giant pollution-monster when you have absolutely no need for one. Here comes another harsh, but apt, judgement: PEOPLE WHO DRIVE SUVs TO LOOK COOL ARE THE WORST SORTS OF SCUM. Nope, I won't take it back. If you're reading this and thinking about your super-huge asshole-mobile sitting in the garage: you are a bad person. No getting around it, you suck. You've opted to trash the environment extra just so you can indulge your vanity. We can still be friends, but you need to know that you're an asshole.


WRAP IT UP ALREADY

I've blathered on even more than I usually do, but this is an important message. In a time where everyone wants to jump on the latest pet cause, keep your eyes on what's important and what you can do to actually make a difference. We don't get a second chance if we fuck this up.

I hope I've made you angry.

Oh, you're more than welcome to be angry with me for anything I've said. The line starts around the block. I hope you're angry with yourselves, too; I know I am. I could do more and do better. Imagine what we could accomplish if we all did more, if we all took a stand against trashing the environment and held ourselves and other people to this standard. Don't be quiet about it, take some action. Stop letting all this shit slide.


If you like anything I've said here, please repost it anywhere you like. Shove the shit in everyone's faces so they can get a good whiff of the horrible stench we've created.


Jillian

Hillary, you're pissing me off...and why Scientologists are stupid.

Ya know, I don't want to hate you, Hillary. I would love to throw my hat in the ring with what could be the first female president. But I swear to God woman, you make it really fucking hard.

I was watching the news last night....well, actually I was reading a book and the news was on, but I caught the important stuff. I was half listening to a feature about my man B's new campaign commercials. Ya'll bitches know I love Obama, and I respect his consistent push for bipartisanship. It's vital that Democrats and Republicans stop thinking their job is to act like bickering toddlers and do some fucking work already. Anyhoo, Barack's new commercial features some prominent Republican dude not getting smeared, but actually endorsing Obama.

[Yes, I grant that my detailing of this case could be better, but this page isn't about politics. You want some proper politics, just sweep your eyes over to the right side of the page and click on Bridget's blog. All the politics you can handle. Hell, you can call her up and talk about politics for hours, I'll give you her number. She's very pretty and single too, I may be able to convince her to take you to Taco Bell...]

So I hear this bit on the news and I'm all "Good for you, B! Way to build bridges and play nice with others. You truly are a shining example of all that's good in this world." The news broadcast cuts back to the reporter who is providing Hillary Clinton's take on the new ads:

"Republicans will do anything to avoid running against Hillary Clinton in 2008"

WHAT? DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY? OH MY GOD! Hillary, seriously, you're killing me. I might have even been tempted to support you over Obama (unlikely, but possible), and you go and act like an arrogant shithead. Really. And don't even get me started on your choosing Celine Dion for your campaign song. That bitch is Canadian! You may as well have just picked some Ravi Shankar, to truly appeal to your demographic: middle-aged white former hippies who like to think of themselves as progressives but have come to the realization that they still don't like black people much. A hurtful assertion? Yes, but Hillary, your attitude needs some serious fixing.

On to other obnoxious things...




Let's play a game. Pretend, if you will, that the whole theory of evolution and basically every other scientific principle is out the window. Humans were transplanted and grown on this planet by aliens. Oh yes, you heard me correctly. If you take a rewired Easy-Bake Oven and attach some electrodes to it, you can measure your alien vibrations. Tom Cruise is an adherent. Does all of this sound completely nuts to you? Of course it does, because it is completely nuts.


Scientology is really stupid. I could go to the effort of putting together a smart and cogent attack on this "religion", but it's so unnecessary. These bitches do all the work for me. How about a list? Here you go...


Why Scientology is Stupid


1.) The Evil Lord Xenu

"Um, so your 'god' is an ancient alien named Xenu? Who's going to return and take you all away on his intergalactic space bus? Uuuuuuuuuuh, alright."
How could anyone take anything called fucking Xenu seriously? And alien worshipers are crazy.


2.) L. Ron Hubbard

Christian: "My faith was started by a man named Jesus, around 2000 years ago. People say he did miracles and was the true son of god. The book his buddies wrote about him is the most published and translated book in the world."

Jew: "My faith is very ancient as well, begun by the prophet Moses in accordance with god's law. The Torah is pretty damn popular too. Have I mentioned we're The Chosen People?"

Muslim: "Muhhamed is a true prophet of Allah, and that cat Jesus was also god's prophet. A whole shit load of people are real real into Islam, it's the fastest growing religion in the world."

Scientologist: "My religion was started in the 1950's by a science-fiction writer with more than a few screws loose. Our god is an alien named Xenu."


3.) Scientologists hate gays

I was at the Pride Parade this weekend, and I defy anyone to hate a 9ft drag queen with the tenacity to sport a full length ball gown and a huge feathered headdress in 90 degree weather. Not possible.


4.) Scientologists hate science

You would think a cult (yeah, I said it) with 'science' in it's name would be into, you know, science. Alas, no. Modern medicine? Phooey! Where's my Easy-Bake Oven? That can cure anything with it's super alien love rays. Psychiatric drugs? those just make you kill people. Autism? never heard of it, my kid is just shy. I got some news for you freaks: the only way your wacky devices are going to cure anything is if you turn them on high and stick them under the sofa until you all die in a fiery inferno. Honestly, shit like this makes Creationists look reasonable.


5.) The Celebrity Factor

I would think that if you're famous and also crazy, you might want to keep it under wraps that you do insane shit like worshiping aliens. Or, at least, your publicist would want to keep that under wraps so as not to frighten every single person anywhere you go. But my, those Scientologists love to buck convention. Tom Cruise anyone? Bitch hasn't made a good movie in years and years, instead relegating his entertainment career to showing the public how he's quickly becoming completely unhinged.
John Travolta? Oh, evil lord Xenu, will you please keep that man from opening his mouth? And, also, could you possibly keep him from going in public ever as well? I know that seems harsh and a bit oppressive, but I think you'll understand that he's not helping your cause. I know he's high profile, but he does look like this when he's doing photo calls for big-budget movies he is in...






















Yes, my friends, that is a wig. A bad wig, in fact, with very obvious lace showing. There really is no excuse.



In other wacky Scientology news, Tom Cruise is slated to star in some movie about the guy that tried to assassinate Hitler. However, Germany (the entire country of Germany) won't allow them to film there because Tom Cruise is a Scientologist and those bitches are batshit crazy. No, really, that was their reason. Who wants to move to Germany?




Where I come from, they call me....
Jalien

I made a tomato!

I have a long and illustrious history of murdering houseplants. I imagine it was some sort of curse or hex that I hadn't been able to shake until recently. Yes, indeed, I have successfully kept numerous plants alive for almost 2 months. My tiny windowsill farm has actually been thriving. Meet the players...

The Farm
My completely made up and unsubstantiated philosophy about raising flora is that they should be treated like pets. So I give them names, talk to them, and take them outside sometimes. In order of their arrival...
Lando Calrissian
-Lando is a sweet basil that I just couldn't resist buying at the little nursery on California that I walk by all the time. It's not that I don't like plants, I like them very much. I just couldn't seem to keep them alive for any reason. I figured I could go ahead and drop the $2.50 on Lando and, if it looked like he was going downhill, I could just eat him. Seems harsh, but that's natural selection for ya. Shockingly, Lando didn't die immediately, and I've been enjoying fresh basil on everything for 2 months. My deal with myself was that if I could keep one plant alive for 2 weeks, I could get some more. So I did...
Iphigenia
-Iphigenia is a small rosemary plant. She still looks reasonably healthy, but I took a few big sprigs off to make rosemary foccacia and she hasn't grown them back at all. Whatever, atleast she's not dead.
Orestes
-Yes, there is a theme here for you astute, well read folks. I had major concerns when I acquired Iphigenia and Orestes that the plants would still kick it pretty quickly. So as not to get my hopes up, I named these two after the doomed children of Agamemnon, for I feared they would lead tragic lives. [If you're unfamiliar with the reference, go look it up. And pay more attention in school.] Anyhoo, Orestes is a small tomato plant. I don't know the exact variety, but it's short and squat and produces 3-4 ounce fruit. When I picked him up, he already had a few tiny green tomatoes growing. Now there are at least a dozen fruits, 3 of which have already turned orangey and one that is nearly ripe! I expect it will be ready to harvest in a few days, and I've named it Baby Jesus because this is a goddamn miracle.
Hydra
- True to it's name, Hydra is a sprawling, many-headed chive plant. Seems to be doing quite well and, frankly, chopped chives are tasty on nearly everything. Not holding up as well is...
Medusa
- Medusa looked like a very hardy and somewhat overgrown oregano. Terrific addition to the farm, I thought. Eh, not so much. Medusa lasted about a week. The first truly hot day we got, over 90, Medusa just dried up where she sat. Or turned to stone, hahahahahaha! Okay, that wasn't even funny and I was a bit hurt by Medusa's untimely demise.
Jengo Fett
- To ease my heartbreak from Medusa's passing, I went and got another plant. Lando was looking a bit sparse because of all the trimmings I was taking off, so I figured I would bolster my basil supply by getting another plant. I'm crazy, and Lando and Jengo are both basils, so I concluded they are brothers and named them accordingly. Lando and Jengo, sounds cute right? Maybe that's what I'll name my kids.


I'm thinking about getting a whole slew of tomato plants, considering my success with Orestes. I love tomatoes, I eat several a day. If I had another 15 tomato plants, I may even be able to maintain my own supply of that delicious fruit. I'll just have to keep their names straight.


E I E I O,
Farmer Jillian

Dammit, I can't find my rainbow glitter hotpants anywhere!

Pride.





The Gay Pride Parade, if you're unfamiliar, is the most insane event of the year in Chicago. I just adore crazy shit so, naturally, I'm a regular attendee. I'm still not gay (sorry ladies), but I sympathize with my little pansy brothers and sisters and they sure do know how to throw a party. And get dressed for said party. And rainbows are pretty.

The Schedule:
The actual Parade is Sunday afternoon, starting around 1:00pm, but there is plenty more to attend to in the days prior. The big stand out event this year (for me anyway) is an LGBT fundraiser at Sidetrack on Friday for the one and only B-Man. Those of you who aren't his BFF may know him as Barack Obama, antichrist and proponent of truth and justice. It's a $20 for entry and 2 drinks as well as appetizers, which is a pretty solid deal and it's an excellent cause. So you better fucking show up. Additionally, I have one lunatic friend who likes to take me to Sidetrack, auspiciously for the alcoholic slurpies they feature (uh huh). And they are quite delicious, I recommend 'purple'. The event is 6:00 - 8:00pm, Happy Hour!

Other activities are still getting worked out, but the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus is playing the fest stage at 1:20pm on Saturday and...fuck it, I'll just post the schedule. You can tell me how helpful I am when we're doing shots in the afternoon:

Main Stage
5 p.m.: Kathy "Sister" Sledge

Community Stage
noon: Clark Street Band
1 p.m.: Gay Shakespeare
1:20 p.m.: Chicago Gay Men's Chorus
2 p.m.: Chicago Spirit Parade
2:30 p.m.: Naked Boys Singing
3:20 p.m: ROTC
3:45 p.m.: Shamelessboyz
6:30 p.m.: Devin and the Straights
8 p.m.: Kimi Hayes


Jun. 23: 11 a.m. - 9 p.m.

Price: $5 donation benefits the Northalsted Area Merchants Association

Phone: 773-868-3010


IN OTHER NEWS...

I went to the Cubs game last Friday. It was awful.

Not much more really needs to be said about it, but I give you what you want here. And what I imagine you want is a list of reasons why you should never go to a Cubs game. Seriously, if I was being held at gunpoint, I'd just take the damn bullet and hope for the best.

1.) Wrigley Field is a revolting cesspool
Listen, I know I'm a bit of a primadonna. I hate camping, I'm not super wild about getting dirty, but I certainly don't think dirt will kill me and I try not to complain. Hell, I've waded through ankle-deep garbage on Bourbon St. during Mardi Gras and had a great time. Wrigley Field, on game day, is easily as bad as Bourbon St. during Mardi Gras. However, I had the forewarning and presence of mind to not to wear sandals to the French Quarter. I was getting harassed by my two lovely companions (Brooke and Cortney) because I wouldn't just throw my garbage on the ground and wandered around for 10 minutes looking for a garbage can. And you know what? I didn't fucking find one. Perhaps this is why there is garbage everywhere, like snowdrifts against the sides of the bleachers. NASTY. Nasty nasty nasty nasty. When we left the bleachers, my toes were sticky and a peanut shell was stuck between two of them. Ew.

2.) Baseball is boring
I know I don't like baseball, but someone must have slipped me something wacky when I gleefully accepted the invitation to go to the game. No bother, it doesn't hurt to try something new, right? Granted, I did spend a good portion of the time we were there doing a crossword puzzle, to the unnecessary dismay of an old woman sitting behind us (bitch, mind your own business. Would you rather I were trying to break your hip instead of sitting quietly? Didn't think so.). I thought I knew at least a little about the game, but it seemed every time I opened my mouth, something amazingly stupid would come out. Apparently, baseball does not have a halftime. Nor are the points called "points", they are called "runs". And if you think there is a gaggle of policemen on the field, they are not policemen. They are referees. Brooke and Cortney mocked me mercilessly and got people in surrounding seats to laugh at me too. I didn't mind being the butt of jokes, as watching the game progress is akin to watching the grass on the field grow.

3.) It was hot and really really sunny
I can take the heat, but my pale shit bursts into flames in the sun. Not a huge problem, I just slather on many coats of spf 50 and huddle in the shade somewhere. The problem with heat and sun is other people. Specifically, male people who remove their shirts to expose a plethora of horrors. Rolls of fat, back hair (!), or the dreaded hairy chest/pierced nipples combination. I understand that MTV and globalization have conspired to bring fringe fashion to the sweaty, Wrigley field attending masses - and I don't much care. Punk died ages ago, and there is plenty of weird yet to be innovated. My only issue on this topic is that this new slew of weirdo wannabes does such a shit job of interpreting the punky fads. For chrissakes, I have never gone into a bondage club and seen men with pierced nipples who didn't also do the world a fucking favor and shave their damn chests. A furry forest with a few shiny rings poking through is not a good look. Shit, people, work with me here. Help me help you.

4.) Suburbanites
I have a theory about suburbanites, would you like to hear it? Of course you would! My theory is that certain breeds of suburbanites (ie the ones that only hike into the city for Cubs games or any and all old people) have a particular opinion of city folk. They seem to believe that city folk act like goddamn rude animals because it's the big scary city and they don't spend much time here. So, when in the city, they act like goaddamn rude animals by pushing and shoving everyone everywhere they go and not observing any type of reasonable courtesy. Courtesies like walking on the right side of the sidewalk, and not walking 4 or 5 abreast, effectively blocking the entire sidewalk. Also, not stopping and blocking the path of people on the street, trying to exit or enter barthrooms and bars, and not getting out of the fucking way when people ask nicely for you to do so.
The funny thing is that the suburbanites attempting to blend by acting like assholes only set themselves apart as suburbanite assholes. City people tend to be more courteous than suburbanites. This is because city people have no choice but to interact with a much larger amount of people on a daily basis than those shitbags tooling around the burbs in their SUVs and never spending more time on the sidewalk than it takes to get the morning paper or the mail. City people are more polite because it's necessary for all our collective sanity (or what tenuous grasp we may have on it). In summation, would it kill you to say "excuse me"? No, it won't, but I'll probably kill the next middle aged white man that rudely shoves me out of his way.

5.) I hate white people
That doesn't really require explanation.


Hanging with Brooke and Cortney was good fun, and Cortney's friends were delightful too although I can't remember their names for the life of me). I also like beer, and we had some.


Honorable Mention:
Erin and Jason's housewarming party last Saturday. There were thrills and chills and fun for the whole family, if your family is a bunch of shit-faced twentysomethings. I still can't get my new Latin Kings tattoo off.



Hey man, gay man, pick up the soap,
J-Illin