Why does everyone have to be such enormous jackasses all the time?

Ugh, people are so lame. Heterosexual men are the absolute lamest.

Here's the story:

I was at my office yesterday, just doing my thing (being awesome and extremely attractive). I try to keep this blog semi-anonymous; you never know what kind of weirdos you're working with who may have googled you and come upon this little slice of insanity. In the spirit of vagueness, I will only say that I work in a fairly standard office environment with a large sales team of about 60 people. In this business, there are certain vendors that like to ply us with food and booze and tickets to baseball games in attempts to garner our favor. That's super, who doesn't want a free lunch? However, sometimes they take this good-natured bribery in unforseen and undeniably creepy directions.

One particular vendor - I will, for the sake of mystery, call them 'Precise Assemblage' - bought the whole office lunch a few weeks back. The lunch was fabulous but it was merely to distract from the company's sales rep loitering about and annoying everyone in her path. I hate to speak ill of a lady that's just trying to get her sales on, but she is so cloying, so overenthusiastic, so phony that everyone was making efforts to look extra busy so she wouldn't bother them. That was the first instance that characters from Precise Assemblage landed in our office, but not the last.

The first representative of Precise Assemblage singled me out because I order most of the products that we would be getting from this vendor. Fine, I humored her for a few minutes and listened to her spiel. I ended up putting several orders for products through her company, but the products were not delivered and the level of customer service was not acceptable. This is a cut-throat industry and there are plenty of companies that do what Precise Assemblage does, and I was happy to tell them this as I told them they were total crap (in the nicest way possible). Between the original rep and another woman at their office, I must say that they stepped up their game in a significant way since my complaint. I was happy, they were still getting our orders, nothing more to say, correct?

Apparently not. The original representative was back in the office yesterday, along with her boss. I will call him Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut. I made every effort to look extremely busy, talk on the phone as much as possible, or put on my headphones in an effort to keep these two jokers away from me. No such luck. Original rep cornered me by the copy machine and I managed to be nice and dismissive. Once I returned to my desk, Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut saunters over and exclaims "JILLIAN! So nice to finally meet you!" I have never seen nor heard of this character before, so I am understandably perplexed. He goes on to tell me that his name is [name redacted] and he's the orginal rep's boss and he's heard so much about me. Frightening and weird, especially as I'm sitting at my desk and he's looming over me a bit too close for comfort. I make some crack about him knowing my name because I complained and he goes on and on about how it's imperative to get client feedback and all sorts of other jargony things.

Here's where it becomes embarassing for all persons involved:

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut tells me if I have any problems in the future, I can call him directly. I thanked him and said that the original rep and the other woman at their office were so efficient in handling my concerns that I really had no need to call him. He then goes on to say that I can call him even if I don't have a problem: "Well, you are welcome to call me for good and bad things!". Odd phrasing, I agree. THEN, he presents me with his business card and says....

"My cell phone number is on here, that's the BATPHONE. You can reach me there ANY time."

The Batphone

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut seems to believe he's Batman, which I'm pretty sure is like Highlander in there can be only one. If anyone would like the number to the Batphone, send me an email. The person who sends me the weirdest pickup line wins the prize.

I'll show you a caped crusader,

Jillian