Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Giving Thanks for Me Day!

Hey bitches, Happy Thanksgiving! Or, as my fans refer to it, "Giving thanks for Jillian Day". No, this isn't just more of my usual narcissism. The glorious day of my birth falls on Thanksgiving every 7 years and, although my birthday is Sunday this year, a permanent name change for the holiday is still fitting.

So this year, while you're gorging yourself with the bounty of the season, I want you to think about me and give thanks for all the entertainment I provide to brighten your pathetic lives. When your corniest relative suggests you all go around the table to say what you're most thankful for this year, say "Jillian the Devil!" Then whip out your laptop and share my antics with the whole family.

To further reiterate how much I mean to you, here is a recent tidbit from my ridiculous life. A little story I like to call:


Jillian Gay-Bashes a Stranger



A few weeks ago, I was in Lakeview near where one of my friends lives. I saw this guy across the street, sort of from the back and the side, and I was certain it was Dave. So I yell "Dave!" a few times, and he doesn't turn around. I figured he just didn't hear me but the resemblance (from my vantage) was uncanny, so I crossed the street to chat with him.

Now, Dave is one of those gays, so I thought it would be funny to go up behind him, punch him in the shoulder and yell "Hey faggot!!". Well, it wasn't Dave. I gay-bashed a complete stranger. The guy looked shocked, I probably did too, and I proceeded to apologize profusely while attempting to be charming.

Any reasonable hetero would take this as a convenient opportunity to chat up a pretty girl or, at the least, laugh it off and go on with his day. After I explained why exactly I had gone up to ANYONE and hit them whilst yelling "hey faggot", this guy wailed at me "You think I look gay?!?" I was shocked and tried my hardest to fumble out an explanation along the lines of "I thought you looked like my friend, who is gay. But he doesn't look gay, everybody says so, he actually looks very manly...". There was far more rambling than that, but all of it was completely INEFFECTIVE. He looked like he wanted to kill me, reiterated how he is not gay several more times, turned on a heel and huffed away, leaving me standing on the sidewalk feeling like the biggest asshole ever.

I related this story to Dave and, after nearly hyperventilating from laughter, he said "that guy was definitely gay".


Have a great holiday, everybody!

Also, for you wacky characters planning on some marathon drinking tonight, please be careful and do not drink and drive. Aside from the swarms of police on the road and traffic checkpoints, it's extremely dangerous. Not for the drunk asshole driving typically - alcohol relaxes muscles and reaction times, so the lushes usually walk away with minimal damage from a crash. It's other people who get hurt, so don't fucking do it. If I find out you have, I'll be forced to give you a stern talking to. Of course, by "stern talking to", I mean I'll break your kneecaps.



Email me at jillianthedevil@hotmail.com to find out where to send birthday gifts,

Jillian!