I'm sure it will come as no surprise that Halloween is, hands down, my favorite holiday of the year. I love costumes and candy, what could possibly be better? NOTHING, that's what.
My hot bitch, David, is throwing a Halloween fete this year. I usually do so myself, but with all the prep required to throw a proper themed party....ack, it's a lot of work. Plus, I have new exciting prosthetics to apply this year, and I'm always in the bathroom trying to get my horns right as guests are arriving. Naturally, I'm going as the devil. Yes, I go as the devil every year - it's only right - but I switch it up. And my take on the theme is pretty fucking good.
Last year, I had several parties to attend and I did both Green Devil and Purple Devil, with the new super-size horns. Of course, as many of you witnessed, the super-size horns were not without their problems. I only have so much forehead (I'm not Tyra Banks here) and the gluing/putty process took off a good 1/4 inch off my right eyebrow. It grew back, but I'm aiming to keep my eyebrows intact this year as well as any hair on the side of my head when I apply the very exciting evil pointy ears. Keep your fingers crossed for my success in this endeavor.
Anyhoo, young David is adorable and quaint. So much so that he is scheduling all sorts of amusing activities for his drunk and ridiculous friends. There will be a costume contest, apple bobbing, and a pumpkin carving contest. Our friends are all both highly creative and amazingly offensive, so I think my chances of winning the costume contest are pretty slim. My facial prosthetics probably won't hold up well to apple bobbing, not to mention hair and makeup, so that's out. which leaves us with....pumpkin carving.
David was over last night, having a few beers and watching Sanford and Son on my sofa. We got to chatting about party preparation and I mentioned a few photos I had emailed him, one of which happened to be a pumpkin bong. Much giggling ensued and Dave said that if I manage to make a successful bong out of a pumpkin for the contest, I will totally win. Unfair advantage? Yes, but I don't care. I want to win, and if this is what it takes, so be it.
A little digression on the practice of making homemade bongs
If you've been to college, you know that bongs can be made out of nearly anything. Not that there is a class taught on such things, it's just a typical proclivity for college kids to imagine such possibilities. I consider this a reasonable creative endeavor; it integrates engineering and critical problem-solving techniques, makes you use your noodle. Then you smoke the reefer and kill all those brain cells you were using in the first place. In college, we made bongs out of apples, plastic bottles, a carefully drilled glass jar, and various plastic toys. The only thing I found that you couldn't make a bong out of what grey stoneware, as the bong I sculpted in Ceramics class was tossed in the garbage before firing (haters! I certainly hadn't expected that in an art class, and the whole ceramics operation was run from a hallowed out IHOP across the street from the campus proper).
My point is that it can definitely be done, but how to do it? I admit: it's been a while since I took on a project of this sort. The internet is a good place to start and, wouldn't ya know, there are 245,000 hits when you use "pumpkin bong" as a search term. Huh. Honestly, I hadn't expected that. Those college kids have been busy, but their declining GPAs will result in my taking home the pumpkin carving title. So kudos to them, and I need to go rifle through the basement for parts.
So, my funky little monkeys, I wish you an evil Halloween. And if you want to make a pumpkin "water pipe" of your very own, here ya go:
http://www.instructables.com/file/F73DJOMF82EXLAT/
Don't say I never did nothin' for you.
Trick or Treat, Smell my Feet!
Jillian the Devil
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
What's for dinner? A lamb of God.
Sometimes I like to aggravate people just for aggravation's sake. And by people, I mean Christians.
Please don't misinterpret me on this point, I have nothing against Christians other than they seem to take every opportunity to annoy the shit out of me. I'm speaking, naturally, of their tendency to live in a vacuum and be outrageously offensive to people of any other religion. They also have trouble taking a joke and they absolutely shit themselves should you dare speak against Christianity. Basically, they're asking for it and far be it for me to deny them.
I also hate chain letters. Seriously folks, is it 1998? I'll answer that for you: it is not 1998, so knock it off with the chain letters. So I got a fucking CHRISTIAN CHAIN LETTER yesterday from a friend of mine, which I merely ignored because she is a friend and my annoyance threshhold for friends is much higher than for the general public. THEN, one of her friends sent me the same damn Christian motherfucking chain letter back. It was necessary to take action.
Here's the original (annotated) chain letter:
Hi - I am picking 11 people who have touched my life and who I think
would want to receive this. Please send it back to me (You'll see why).
In case you are not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love.
She is represented by roses. May everyone who receives this message be blessed.
Theresa's Prayer cannot be deleted.
REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the prayer . That's all you have to do.
There is nothing attached. Just share this with people and see what happens on the fourth day.
Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Read the prayer below. &nb sp;
Saint Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
Now, send this to 11 people within the next 5 minutes. And remember to send this back. I count as 1...you'll see why.
Fucking disgusting, right? There was also a picture of Mother Theresa and the old Pope, just in case I was annoyed enough with the text. Additionally, how fucking trite is it to send a damn Christian chain letter addressed to someone who has touched your life and you think would want to receive this to a stranger. Additionally, it's a chain letter and no one ever wants to receive that shit, Christian or not. Considering, I didn't feel to bad baiting this particular Christian for my own amusement. Yeah, I'm a dick, but I've been saying that all along.
My response:
Hey Jackass (also known as "Timothy Biars"),
I don't know you and you don't know me, but allow me to make something entirely clear: I am not a nice person. I can only assume that you copied my email address from the original chain letter that Erica forwarded me, so you could then forward it along to however many people so the pope or Mother Theresa could grant your 3 wishes - or whatever it is that you Christian imbeciles are believing in this week. I am not a Christian and I'm highly offended by you motherfuckers hurling your ridiculous god-jesus-pope bullshit in my direction. I tolerate this crap from Erica because we're long time friends and I'm rather fond of the girl. That is not your case, however. I can only imagine you didn't expect such vitriol in response, but alas:
Fuck the Pope
Fuck Mother Theresa
Fuck Impressionable Idiots that send chain letters
Fuck Christians
And Fuck you.
With the utmost sincerity,
Jillian
P.S. I hope you don't plan to breed.
And then I eagerly awaited the bile-filled tirade from my new Christian buddy. It's absolutely brilliant how out of sorts Christians get when anyone chances to attack their chosen beliefs, even in such an admittedly lame fashion. Fuck the Pope? Really, you Christians are too damn easy. Unfortunately, a good many Christians didn't pay enough attention in elementary school and it's evidenced in their debate tactics (and grammar and spelling, eek!).
Tim's rebuttal:
Personally, my favorite part is "blabby". I don't think I've ever heard that before.
I could go into a rant about what ignorant degenerates Christians are, but that's too easy yet. I think it would be much more fun to get a little Pop Psychology 101 on young Tim's eomtional and highly personal tirade. Here you go, I call this one
Tim Biar's Brain in a Jar
1.) Young Tim feels he doesn't receive as much attention and esteem as he deserves, as evidenced by the first section. He makes a point of mentioning that I do, in fact, know him and that we used to hang out. Still don't remember the guy, but he obviously feels slighted by being forgotten and it colors the rest of his letter.
2.) Tim is also quite an insecure individual, as he chooses to mention a few particular qualities: weight, attractiveness, intelligence, and attention-seeking. Now if you know me, you know I'm not insecure. Quite the opposite as many people I know will, no doubt, be happy to mention. So who's insecurities is he aiming at? His own, of course. As people are wont to do, he believes that the things that bother him also bother everyone else. He's got me pegged on the attention-seeking, but it's something I indulge rather than feel bad about. Of course, no one with eyes would call me fat or unattractive, and I hope my flair for the written word is evidence of my intelligence. So who's the dumb, ugly fatty?
I didn't alter anything he wrote in the letter above, so you can tell we're not dealing with a brain trust here. What is the deal with the etcetera marks in between a million sentence fragments? Good grief, coupled with the spelling issues, this is about 4th grade level reading and composition skills. Ouch.
Additionally, I spent a big 2 minutes researching our friend Tim here, and I managed to pull up some photos. Ahem....somebody is a little Fatthew, if you know what I'm saying. And frankly, the looks are not there. They just aren't. It's just plain jerky to make fun of someone's weight (yes, even a bit too jerky for me), so I resisted the impulse to write back "Hey idiot, you are the last damn person to be taking anyone's weight to task". And people can't help if they're ugly, but that's not a big deal if the personality is good. Unfortunately for Tim...
After reading the letter, mostly I just felt a lot of pity. I know I'll probably hear back from a few people about how this boy is being really hateful to women in addition to being another person giving Christianity a bad name. It's a dumb, unattractive, pudgy and exceptionally bitter guy -- and even I draw the line at kicking people when they're down.
So I let him in on the joke that was only ever funny to me in the first place:
Ha! That kicked ass, thanks. This is going on my blog, google yourself later.
I must admit that was I baiting you intentionally and, no, I don't remember you (although I can't say I'm disappointed about that). I'd say something to aggravate you further, but you've obviously got enough problems. And for the love of everything you claim to believe in, work on the grammar and spelling - it's appalling.
Godless Heathen
As you can see, it's not actually a nice response. However, it's a lot better than he deserved, considering, and I can indulge in a bit of that self-righteousness the Christians are so fond of. Now, what would you do in this case? I's honestly be a little pissed that I was made to be the butt of a joke and that my ignorance would be placed in a forum for public ridicule, as I told him I planned to do. What did he do?
He backpedaled like he was about to bike off a damn cliff:
-repenting bastard
And he apologizes. That just kills me. My powers of evil coercion shock me sometimes.
Right now the score is Jesus - 0, Jillian - 1
It's Osso Bucco on the menu tonight,
The Devil
[UPDATE: It's come to my attention that googling my churchy buddy's name doesn't pull this post up. Dammit, that takes the fun out of it. So here goes - Tim Biars Timothy Biars T. Biars. that should do it. Carry on.]
Please don't misinterpret me on this point, I have nothing against Christians other than they seem to take every opportunity to annoy the shit out of me. I'm speaking, naturally, of their tendency to live in a vacuum and be outrageously offensive to people of any other religion. They also have trouble taking a joke and they absolutely shit themselves should you dare speak against Christianity. Basically, they're asking for it and far be it for me to deny them.
I also hate chain letters. Seriously folks, is it 1998? I'll answer that for you: it is not 1998, so knock it off with the chain letters. So I got a fucking CHRISTIAN CHAIN LETTER yesterday from a friend of mine, which I merely ignored because she is a friend and my annoyance threshhold for friends is much higher than for the general public. THEN, one of her friends sent me the same damn Christian motherfucking chain letter back. It was necessary to take action.
Here's the original (annotated) chain letter:
Hi - I am picking 11 people who have touched my life and who I think
would want to receive this. Please send it back to me (You'll see why).
In case you are not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love.
She is represented by roses. May everyone who receives this message be blessed.
Theresa's Prayer cannot be deleted.
REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the prayer . That's all you have to do.
There is nothing attached. Just share this with people and see what happens on the fourth day.
Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Read the prayer below. &nb sp;
Saint Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
Now, send this to 11 people within the next 5 minutes. And remember to send this back. I count as 1...you'll see why.
Fucking disgusting, right? There was also a picture of Mother Theresa and the old Pope, just in case I was annoyed enough with the text. Additionally, how fucking trite is it to send a damn Christian chain letter addressed to someone who has touched your life and you think would want to receive this to a stranger. Additionally, it's a chain letter and no one ever wants to receive that shit, Christian or not. Considering, I didn't feel to bad baiting this particular Christian for my own amusement. Yeah, I'm a dick, but I've been saying that all along.
My response:
Hey Jackass (also known as "Timothy Biars"),
I don't know you and you don't know me, but allow me to make something entirely clear: I am not a nice person. I can only assume that you copied my email address from the original chain letter that Erica forwarded me, so you could then forward it along to however many people so the pope or Mother Theresa could grant your 3 wishes - or whatever it is that you Christian imbeciles are believing in this week. I am not a Christian and I'm highly offended by you motherfuckers hurling your ridiculous god-jesus-pope bullshit in my direction. I tolerate this crap from Erica because we're long time friends and I'm rather fond of the girl. That is not your case, however. I can only imagine you didn't expect such vitriol in response, but alas:
Fuck the Pope
Fuck Mother Theresa
Fuck Impressionable Idiots that send chain letters
Fuck Christians
And Fuck you.
With the utmost sincerity,
Jillian
P.S. I hope you don't plan to breed.
And then I eagerly awaited the bile-filled tirade from my new Christian buddy. It's absolutely brilliant how out of sorts Christians get when anyone chances to attack their chosen beliefs, even in such an admittedly lame fashion. Fuck the Pope? Really, you Christians are too damn easy. Unfortunately, a good many Christians didn't pay enough attention in elementary school and it's evidenced in their debate tactics (and grammar and spelling, eek!).
Tim's rebuttal:
1st of all whoa.......it was an accident 2ndly...and for the record you do know me! i am sure you dont remember how me my friend mike and erica all hung out with you...
lastly...fuck you?
real mature of you...what should any one expect anything less from a god less heathen who needs saving...a simple no thank you would have been suffice...i dont expect any thing less from a blabby two ton chunk ass like you...no one forced there beliefs on you...just simply wished you well...wich seems like you dont want...and you are more than likely not happy and take a nice thought... even though unintentional and tell a person fuck off...so if this is your way of having fun...fuck off back at ya tank ass...lol
so you tolerate your friends huh? you put up with them rather than accept them as who they are...guess its to be expected from someone who is used to feeling insecure...guess your friendships must be really great ya douch bag. well...i may be christian...but your fat and ugly...lol...thats something no one can change...not even god...mother teresa...the pope or liposuction facelifts tummy tucks and tons of money...none of that can help your sorry ass...normally i laugh at things like this and carry on...but you are special...special in a mild retarded...fat...smelly and ugly kind of special that requires special attention in these matters...i'm sure you get your jollies from crap like this so feel free to email away in between stuffing your fat face tank ass...
so the next time you decide to mouth off to someone who knows you and you are to stupid to remember...just remember this converstation...wait...i cant expect that from a IDIOT! i am sure most of your life is a blurr...to busy being stupid to apprecieate the beauty of life and what it has to offer...like faith...good eating habits and style...OH and most importantly...you have no class fat ass...so the next time your fat ass steps on the scale of life it will read...to be continued...lol
you stupid cunt...enjoy...you chunky fat bag of nasty...feel free to email me when you get desparate for attention...wich should be the rest of you life...
oh and "alas"
"if fat and ugly was a sin you would go straight to hell"
p.s. Jesus loves you...but i think your're a cunt ^__^
Personally, my favorite part is "blabby". I don't think I've ever heard that before.
I could go into a rant about what ignorant degenerates Christians are, but that's too easy yet. I think it would be much more fun to get a little Pop Psychology 101 on young Tim's eomtional and highly personal tirade. Here you go, I call this one
Tim Biar's Brain in a Jar
1.) Young Tim feels he doesn't receive as much attention and esteem as he deserves, as evidenced by the first section. He makes a point of mentioning that I do, in fact, know him and that we used to hang out. Still don't remember the guy, but he obviously feels slighted by being forgotten and it colors the rest of his letter.
2.) Tim is also quite an insecure individual, as he chooses to mention a few particular qualities: weight, attractiveness, intelligence, and attention-seeking. Now if you know me, you know I'm not insecure. Quite the opposite as many people I know will, no doubt, be happy to mention. So who's insecurities is he aiming at? His own, of course. As people are wont to do, he believes that the things that bother him also bother everyone else. He's got me pegged on the attention-seeking, but it's something I indulge rather than feel bad about. Of course, no one with eyes would call me fat or unattractive, and I hope my flair for the written word is evidence of my intelligence. So who's the dumb, ugly fatty?
I didn't alter anything he wrote in the letter above, so you can tell we're not dealing with a brain trust here. What is the deal with the etcetera marks in between a million sentence fragments? Good grief, coupled with the spelling issues, this is about 4th grade level reading and composition skills. Ouch.
Additionally, I spent a big 2 minutes researching our friend Tim here, and I managed to pull up some photos. Ahem....somebody is a little Fatthew, if you know what I'm saying. And frankly, the looks are not there. They just aren't. It's just plain jerky to make fun of someone's weight (yes, even a bit too jerky for me), so I resisted the impulse to write back "Hey idiot, you are the last damn person to be taking anyone's weight to task". And people can't help if they're ugly, but that's not a big deal if the personality is good. Unfortunately for Tim...
After reading the letter, mostly I just felt a lot of pity. I know I'll probably hear back from a few people about how this boy is being really hateful to women in addition to being another person giving Christianity a bad name. It's a dumb, unattractive, pudgy and exceptionally bitter guy -- and even I draw the line at kicking people when they're down.
So I let him in on the joke that was only ever funny to me in the first place:
Ha! That kicked ass, thanks. This is going on my blog, google yourself later.
I must admit that was I baiting you intentionally and, no, I don't remember you (although I can't say I'm disappointed about that). I'd say something to aggravate you further, but you've obviously got enough problems. And for the love of everything you claim to believe in, work on the grammar and spelling - it's appalling.
Godless Heathen
As you can see, it's not actually a nice response. However, it's a lot better than he deserved, considering, and I can indulge in a bit of that self-righteousness the Christians are so fond of. Now, what would you do in this case? I's honestly be a little pissed that I was made to be the butt of a joke and that my ignorance would be placed in a forum for public ridicule, as I told him I planned to do. What did he do?
He backpedaled like he was about to bike off a damn cliff:
okay okay...lol...i have to admit your response was really more funny than agravating...however my comments were harsh and to that affect i would like to apologize and say i was wrong for responding like that. again i apologize for saying those things...i thought it was funny at the time but i realize that was just as childish...
and for the record my english is appalling...lol...good god ( and the devil in your case...j/k) i cant spell or put together a gramitical sentence to save my life...
any way...ha... i cant get this stupid smirk off my face...thanks for taking the mundane out of my day and the kick in the balls from life is painfull... but funny to watch... so jillian the devil as i recall our first conversation it was of debate and disgust in each others jokes wich made it even funnier...it looks like some people are who they are no matter what...in a good way i mean.
well next time you need to shit talk...talk trash or just fuck with some one....remember me please...it may seem sadistic but i think its great...it really was the funniest thing i read or heard all week..ha... this was so funny. hope nothing was taken personal and if it was...you probally have issues....j/k...or am i?
And he apologizes. That just kills me. My powers of evil coercion shock me sometimes.
Right now the score is Jesus - 0, Jillian - 1
It's Osso Bucco on the menu tonight,
The Devil
[UPDATE: It's come to my attention that googling my churchy buddy's name doesn't pull this post up. Dammit, that takes the fun out of it. So here goes - Tim Biars Timothy Biars T. Biars. that should do it. Carry on.]
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Who doesn't smoke crack every once in a while?
On occasion, I do take requests for blog topics. This is one such request:
THE PROBLEM WITH DATING, YOUNG MEN, SOCIETY, AND TECHNOLOGY
Granted, that's a pretty darn broad subject, but I do have a point here. Bear with me, there are some good stories thrown in as well. To begin:
I was chatting with my sister yesterday about our most recent dating foibles, and an important point came up. What the fuck is the deal with young men these days and their insane sense of entitlement? My sister and I are both lovely ladies with good brains and personality, and any man should be so fortunate as to receive our attentions. Why is it then that every fucking goon that takes a liking to us is shocked and appalled if we don't share the sentiment?
"But I like you so much!! Why shouldn't you just like me in turn because I want you?"
STORY TIME
So the sister goes out with this guy she met online (I know, I know, and I tried to tell her - but where do you meet people anyway?). I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone terribly here (ha!), so we'll call him Fatthew. He seems to have a decent personality and at least a few brain cells to rub together. On the other hand, he's weighing in at over 300 lbs. and he still lives with his exgirlfriend. Widget (also an alias) is not a shallow sort, so she can overlook a weight problem or some inconvenient living arrangements provided the personality and chemistry are there and dude isn't some raging psycho/racist/drug addict/basketcase. They go out.
Widget is lukewarm about the guy after the date, but considers seeing him again. She then leaves for a 4 day business trip and returns home to be completely mortified. This nutheap, who she went on one date with and hadn't spoken to since, managed to invent an entire relationship in her absence. Widget was out of town and roaming charges applied, so she missed his handful of phone calls over the weekend. His response, in email form, was thus:
[Widget],
First I wanted to thank you for such a nice evening last Friday. I feel bad that I made you drive so far, but hopefully your delicious dinner, and exhilarating company, made up for it in some manner. I was very nervous before we first met, but all of that disappeared after we began talking. You made quite an impression on me, I must say. You are so beautiful and extremely interesting. I really enjoyed listening to your stories and I hope I didn't bore you too much with mine. We share so many of the same interests and we also share a common past, which is so great! I have to be honest, that night I couldn't sleep at all, I was so "jazzed" about you, about everything! It felt wonderful. I told myself on Saturday that I should play it cool, and wait a few days to call you, but I really wanted to see you again, as soon as it was possible. I am sorry if my phone call bothered you. Then I made things even worse calling you on Sunday morning, I have to apologize for that, I had no intention of waking you up. I waited patiently to call you again Wednesday, I had to leave a message. You never called back and I tried again this afternoon. At this point I am pretty confident that you will never call me back. I am hurt and sad, to be honest. I don't want to say that my heart is broken, I hate cliches, but I can't think of a better way to describe how I feel. I thought that we had some sort of connection, was I wrong? Did I do something to change your feelings? Was the whole date a deception? I would really appreciate some honest answers, I feel like shit. I wish you only the best in life, [Widget]. I am a pretty nice guy. Please send some word, it's only right.
Best.
[Fatthew]
Uh, 'scuse me? "It's only right"? You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm going to say this now and it applies for eternity:
The only thing I have to do in my life is stay black and die. Everything else is optional.
That goes for me, for you, and for everybody else. So don't tell me or anyone else what to do, motherfucker. Awwwwww, whiny boy, do you need CLOSURE? Fuck your closure and fuck you. It's only right? Who gives a fuck, and fuck you again. Where did this shitbag get it in his head that Widget owes him anything? Hmmmm, let's examine -
HIS PARENTS
Chances are, this idiot was told all his life how special and unique and fantastic he was just for being him! Well, that's fucking sweet but it sure as hell didn't prepare him for reality.
"But my mom says I'm special on the inside!". Whatever.
ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Good grief, these have fucked up men worse than anything I can think of. The beauty eschews the conventional hunk for the awkward/ugly/fat/radioactive guy with the heart of gold. These pieces of tripe tell men that personality is everything, any guy can get the woman he desires if he just tries hard enough and loves hard enough. Additionally, in a lot of these vehicles, women are treated like commodities to be picked and chosen by men. Don't buy it? Watch a bit more critically next time. So much for this garbage being "chick flicks".
So what does that leave us with? Obese men who live with their exes feeling entitled to the affections of beautiful smart women because it's inner beauty that counts.
"So you won't date me because I'm fat? God, you are so shallow." Oh yeah? Shallow huh. So why aren't you lining up for the fat, ugly girls instead of trying to shame an attractive woman into dating you? Oh, no answer to that? Well, I thought so.
The second awful consequence of romantic comedies and the distorted image of women they show is THE GRAND GESTURE! Before I get to that, let's digress briefly on the evils of technology.
The information age has changed the tastes of society. It's quick and easy to get plenty of things via the technology we possess now, and this has fostered a generation of young people who demand everything right here and right now. This culture of instant gratification is pervasive and it's seeped into every avenue of society, including dating. I want it, I don't want to work for it, give it to me NOW.
So, the Grand Gesture. In the movies, if a lovestruck young jackass wants the affections of a lady, all he need do is perform some magnificent feat to get her attention and profess his love. Men aren't all that bright sometimes and bad with detail (oh come on), so they distill this concept into "If I do something she can't avoid noticing, she'll like me." This doesn't take into account the possible feelings of the lady in question and, coupled with the instant gratification problem young people have, the gestures tend to be somewhat un-grand. To wit:
STORY TIME
I know this silly young scamp. I met him through friends and never put much thought into him beyond that. One evening, my friends and I were getting tipsy and noisy at my place with the windows open when the young scamp happened by. His name is Matt, and he doesn't get an alias because he deserves every bit of ridicule he gets. He and his friend rang the buzzer and came up to hang with the crowd. We do a regular Wednesday party, and Matt joined us at my friends' place the next week, as well.
The day after I saw him, he sends me a text message saying "Do you think I'm sexy?"
That's an odd question so I responded with "Are you still drunk from last night?"
And then he goes for his GRAND GESTURE....
"Just to get it out of the way: I really want to fuck you."
Yeah, because that works. Hey, he did it just like he was taught by popular media. I just profess my affections and she will fall into my arms (or on my dick, as the case may be). God forbid he go to any effort at all to woo a woman when he could just say "hey, let's fuck" and do away with all of that silly effort! Matt, this one's for you:
An Open Letter to Matt the Silly Scamp
Honey,
I know you're young, but did you just roll off the turnip truck yesterday? Did you think that line would work? Really, did you think that would actually work? Have you met a woman before?
I know you were feeling inspired, and I have no doubt how inspirational I am. But there is a long tradition of men doing nearly everything in their power to gain the affections of women. Stories have been told of such things before the advent of the written word, for chrissakes. It's the nature of heterosexual relationships that men want it and women make them jump through hoops to give it up. There's a reason for this, and it's called WOMEN.
I'm sure you thought you were merely dispensing with all manner of nonsense with your BRILLIANT plan to just tell me you want to have sex with me, but guess what? I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I know you want to have sex with me. You didn't need to say anything at all, and this is true of most women and the men who admire them. Had you thought I would be so flattered that I would just throw my legs in the air and have at it? Daft, to say the least. If I went out on the street right now and asked 10 men if they wanted to have sex with me, I would get 10 enthusiastic yeses. Newsflash! This is true for just about any woman! Men are easy and horny, Matt. Thankfully, most men are also smarter than you. But you go on ahead and keep trying to reinvent that wheel.
Keep it in your pants, idiot
Jillian
Man, this post is getting off topic and starting to drag on a bit. The point I was trying to make was that young men are fucking ridiculous these days, making it awfully hard on young hetero women looking for love. Here's a quick list of other shit hetero guys shouldn't do:
WHAT NOT TO DO TO GET WOMEN
1.) BE METROSEXUAL
So you look like a fag but you like to bone ladies? Hell, I love the heck out of some fags, but I certainly don't date them (ahem, usually). I'm a straight woman, I date men. Did you hear that? MEN. Hairy, not-all-about-fashion manly-men. So act like a fucking man already. It's only fun for you to use moisturizer and hair products when I make you do it.
2.) BE SENSITIVE
Don't get me wrong, I don't dig assholes. I also don't dig guys who are motherfucking little girls on the inside. Being kind and compassionate is great, but demanding we talk about feelings is not cool. Talking about feelings is like kryptonite for Jillian in relationships. And do not, for any reason ever ever ever ever cry. Once more, DO NOT CRY! Do what you want in private and away from me, but do not cry in front of a woman unless it's out of overwhelming joy (wedding, birth of a child, etc.). If I wanted to date someone who acted like a damn chick, I would date chicks. Alas, that is not the case.
3.) CONSIDER WORKING OUT TO BE YOUR HOBBY
Working out is something you do to be healthy, not because it's particularly fun or interesting in the least. It's healthy to have regular bowel movements, but do you see me telling people about my stool? No, you do not! Why? Because nobody wants to fucking hear about it, much like anything to do with your workout regimen. Now go collect stamps or something.
4.) SMOKE CRACK
I thought I was the only one who had this problem with men, but it appears as though Widget has had a similar experience. Her date went as far as to actually light up the crack pipe with some of his buddies in front of her. Yikes.
MY CRACKHEAD STORY
I decided to give internet dating another shot, despite only have met freaks in the past. What can I say? I was either too stupid to learn my lesson or full of bright sparkly hope for mankind. Anyhoo, I met this guy named Jay and he seemed to be quite bright and interesting. He was a writer and we had similar interests, and his picture was pretty cute. We met for drinks and he was halfway decent company, despite drinking to a substantial excess. Considering how much I enjoy drinking, that's saying quite a lot. Oh well, maybe he was just nervous.
Jay suggested we go meet some friends of his at another bar and I went along with it. I'm hateful but strangely friendly. On the way there, Jay mentions that his one friend (who we'll call Rocky because I can't remember his name) smokes crack. I'm astounded because, really, who does that? That's fucked up. I'm cracking up (pun!) at this revelation when Jay lets it slide that he, too, smokes crack occasionally. And then he utters the immortal line:
"Who doesn't smoke crack every once in a while?"
My response, naturally, was "Uhh, me and everyone I know. That's who". We met up with his friends, who happily exclaimed after a taste of my company "We like Jillian way better than you, Jay!" Then later, Rocky asked me out right in front of Jay, creating awkwardness for everyone assembled. Crack must act on those "good manners" portions of the brain.
Ugh, that's enough of this. I'm making myself depressed.
If anyone happens to know some good-looking straight single men with some decent brainpower out there, send them my way please. I'm very cute, I have a great rack, my spelling is fantastic, and I love action movies. Get to work, minions.
[Shaking head despondently],
The Devil
THE PROBLEM WITH DATING, YOUNG MEN, SOCIETY, AND TECHNOLOGY
Granted, that's a pretty darn broad subject, but I do have a point here. Bear with me, there are some good stories thrown in as well. To begin:
I was chatting with my sister yesterday about our most recent dating foibles, and an important point came up. What the fuck is the deal with young men these days and their insane sense of entitlement? My sister and I are both lovely ladies with good brains and personality, and any man should be so fortunate as to receive our attentions. Why is it then that every fucking goon that takes a liking to us is shocked and appalled if we don't share the sentiment?
"But I like you so much!! Why shouldn't you just like me in turn because I want you?"
STORY TIME
So the sister goes out with this guy she met online (I know, I know, and I tried to tell her - but where do you meet people anyway?). I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone terribly here (ha!), so we'll call him Fatthew. He seems to have a decent personality and at least a few brain cells to rub together. On the other hand, he's weighing in at over 300 lbs. and he still lives with his exgirlfriend. Widget (also an alias) is not a shallow sort, so she can overlook a weight problem or some inconvenient living arrangements provided the personality and chemistry are there and dude isn't some raging psycho/racist/drug addict/basketcase. They go out.
Widget is lukewarm about the guy after the date, but considers seeing him again. She then leaves for a 4 day business trip and returns home to be completely mortified. This nutheap, who she went on one date with and hadn't spoken to since, managed to invent an entire relationship in her absence. Widget was out of town and roaming charges applied, so she missed his handful of phone calls over the weekend. His response, in email form, was thus:
[Widget],
First I wanted to thank you for such a nice evening last Friday. I feel bad that I made you drive so far, but hopefully your delicious dinner, and exhilarating company, made up for it in some manner. I was very nervous before we first met, but all of that disappeared after we began talking. You made quite an impression on me, I must say. You are so beautiful and extremely interesting. I really enjoyed listening to your stories and I hope I didn't bore you too much with mine. We share so many of the same interests and we also share a common past, which is so great! I have to be honest, that night I couldn't sleep at all, I was so "jazzed" about you, about everything! It felt wonderful. I told myself on Saturday that I should play it cool, and wait a few days to call you, but I really wanted to see you again, as soon as it was possible. I am sorry if my phone call bothered you. Then I made things even worse calling you on Sunday morning, I have to apologize for that, I had no intention of waking you up. I waited patiently to call you again Wednesday, I had to leave a message. You never called back and I tried again this afternoon. At this point I am pretty confident that you will never call me back. I am hurt and sad, to be honest. I don't want to say that my heart is broken, I hate cliches, but I can't think of a better way to describe how I feel. I thought that we had some sort of connection, was I wrong? Did I do something to change your feelings? Was the whole date a deception? I would really appreciate some honest answers, I feel like shit. I wish you only the best in life, [Widget]. I am a pretty nice guy. Please send some word, it's only right.
Best.
[Fatthew]
Uh, 'scuse me? "It's only right"? You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm going to say this now and it applies for eternity:
The only thing I have to do in my life is stay black and die. Everything else is optional.
That goes for me, for you, and for everybody else. So don't tell me or anyone else what to do, motherfucker. Awwwwww, whiny boy, do you need CLOSURE? Fuck your closure and fuck you. It's only right? Who gives a fuck, and fuck you again. Where did this shitbag get it in his head that Widget owes him anything? Hmmmm, let's examine -
HIS PARENTS
Chances are, this idiot was told all his life how special and unique and fantastic he was just for being him! Well, that's fucking sweet but it sure as hell didn't prepare him for reality.
"But my mom says I'm special on the inside!". Whatever.
ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Good grief, these have fucked up men worse than anything I can think of. The beauty eschews the conventional hunk for the awkward/ugly/fat/radioactive guy with the heart of gold. These pieces of tripe tell men that personality is everything, any guy can get the woman he desires if he just tries hard enough and loves hard enough. Additionally, in a lot of these vehicles, women are treated like commodities to be picked and chosen by men. Don't buy it? Watch a bit more critically next time. So much for this garbage being "chick flicks".
So what does that leave us with? Obese men who live with their exes feeling entitled to the affections of beautiful smart women because it's inner beauty that counts.
"So you won't date me because I'm fat? God, you are so shallow." Oh yeah? Shallow huh. So why aren't you lining up for the fat, ugly girls instead of trying to shame an attractive woman into dating you? Oh, no answer to that? Well, I thought so.
The second awful consequence of romantic comedies and the distorted image of women they show is THE GRAND GESTURE! Before I get to that, let's digress briefly on the evils of technology.
The information age has changed the tastes of society. It's quick and easy to get plenty of things via the technology we possess now, and this has fostered a generation of young people who demand everything right here and right now. This culture of instant gratification is pervasive and it's seeped into every avenue of society, including dating. I want it, I don't want to work for it, give it to me NOW.
So, the Grand Gesture. In the movies, if a lovestruck young jackass wants the affections of a lady, all he need do is perform some magnificent feat to get her attention and profess his love. Men aren't all that bright sometimes and bad with detail (oh come on), so they distill this concept into "If I do something she can't avoid noticing, she'll like me." This doesn't take into account the possible feelings of the lady in question and, coupled with the instant gratification problem young people have, the gestures tend to be somewhat un-grand. To wit:
STORY TIME
I know this silly young scamp. I met him through friends and never put much thought into him beyond that. One evening, my friends and I were getting tipsy and noisy at my place with the windows open when the young scamp happened by. His name is Matt, and he doesn't get an alias because he deserves every bit of ridicule he gets. He and his friend rang the buzzer and came up to hang with the crowd. We do a regular Wednesday party, and Matt joined us at my friends' place the next week, as well.
The day after I saw him, he sends me a text message saying "Do you think I'm sexy?"
That's an odd question so I responded with "Are you still drunk from last night?"
And then he goes for his GRAND GESTURE....
"Just to get it out of the way: I really want to fuck you."
Yeah, because that works. Hey, he did it just like he was taught by popular media. I just profess my affections and she will fall into my arms (or on my dick, as the case may be). God forbid he go to any effort at all to woo a woman when he could just say "hey, let's fuck" and do away with all of that silly effort! Matt, this one's for you:
An Open Letter to Matt the Silly Scamp
Honey,
I know you're young, but did you just roll off the turnip truck yesterday? Did you think that line would work? Really, did you think that would actually work? Have you met a woman before?
I know you were feeling inspired, and I have no doubt how inspirational I am. But there is a long tradition of men doing nearly everything in their power to gain the affections of women. Stories have been told of such things before the advent of the written word, for chrissakes. It's the nature of heterosexual relationships that men want it and women make them jump through hoops to give it up. There's a reason for this, and it's called WOMEN.
I'm sure you thought you were merely dispensing with all manner of nonsense with your BRILLIANT plan to just tell me you want to have sex with me, but guess what? I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I know you want to have sex with me. You didn't need to say anything at all, and this is true of most women and the men who admire them. Had you thought I would be so flattered that I would just throw my legs in the air and have at it? Daft, to say the least. If I went out on the street right now and asked 10 men if they wanted to have sex with me, I would get 10 enthusiastic yeses. Newsflash! This is true for just about any woman! Men are easy and horny, Matt. Thankfully, most men are also smarter than you. But you go on ahead and keep trying to reinvent that wheel.
Keep it in your pants, idiot
Jillian
Man, this post is getting off topic and starting to drag on a bit. The point I was trying to make was that young men are fucking ridiculous these days, making it awfully hard on young hetero women looking for love. Here's a quick list of other shit hetero guys shouldn't do:
WHAT NOT TO DO TO GET WOMEN
1.) BE METROSEXUAL
So you look like a fag but you like to bone ladies? Hell, I love the heck out of some fags, but I certainly don't date them (ahem, usually). I'm a straight woman, I date men. Did you hear that? MEN. Hairy, not-all-about-fashion manly-men. So act like a fucking man already. It's only fun for you to use moisturizer and hair products when I make you do it.
2.) BE SENSITIVE
Don't get me wrong, I don't dig assholes. I also don't dig guys who are motherfucking little girls on the inside. Being kind and compassionate is great, but demanding we talk about feelings is not cool. Talking about feelings is like kryptonite for Jillian in relationships. And do not, for any reason ever ever ever ever cry. Once more, DO NOT CRY! Do what you want in private and away from me, but do not cry in front of a woman unless it's out of overwhelming joy (wedding, birth of a child, etc.). If I wanted to date someone who acted like a damn chick, I would date chicks. Alas, that is not the case.
3.) CONSIDER WORKING OUT TO BE YOUR HOBBY
Working out is something you do to be healthy, not because it's particularly fun or interesting in the least. It's healthy to have regular bowel movements, but do you see me telling people about my stool? No, you do not! Why? Because nobody wants to fucking hear about it, much like anything to do with your workout regimen. Now go collect stamps or something.
4.) SMOKE CRACK
I thought I was the only one who had this problem with men, but it appears as though Widget has had a similar experience. Her date went as far as to actually light up the crack pipe with some of his buddies in front of her. Yikes.
MY CRACKHEAD STORY
I decided to give internet dating another shot, despite only have met freaks in the past. What can I say? I was either too stupid to learn my lesson or full of bright sparkly hope for mankind. Anyhoo, I met this guy named Jay and he seemed to be quite bright and interesting. He was a writer and we had similar interests, and his picture was pretty cute. We met for drinks and he was halfway decent company, despite drinking to a substantial excess. Considering how much I enjoy drinking, that's saying quite a lot. Oh well, maybe he was just nervous.
Jay suggested we go meet some friends of his at another bar and I went along with it. I'm hateful but strangely friendly. On the way there, Jay mentions that his one friend (who we'll call Rocky because I can't remember his name) smokes crack. I'm astounded because, really, who does that? That's fucked up. I'm cracking up (pun!) at this revelation when Jay lets it slide that he, too, smokes crack occasionally. And then he utters the immortal line:
"Who doesn't smoke crack every once in a while?"
My response, naturally, was "Uhh, me and everyone I know. That's who". We met up with his friends, who happily exclaimed after a taste of my company "We like Jillian way better than you, Jay!" Then later, Rocky asked me out right in front of Jay, creating awkwardness for everyone assembled. Crack must act on those "good manners" portions of the brain.
Ugh, that's enough of this. I'm making myself depressed.
If anyone happens to know some good-looking straight single men with some decent brainpower out there, send them my way please. I'm very cute, I have a great rack, my spelling is fantastic, and I love action movies. Get to work, minions.
[Shaking head despondently],
The Devil
Feed my ego, bitches!
What the hell do you think this page is for anyway? So leave me comments and leave them frequently. They don't have to be nice, you know I don't care much for civility.
As an extra incentive, I'll run a contest. The best comment of the week gets a prize....hold on, I'm looking around HQ....aha! The prize this week is going to be your choice of a delightful green gourd (about the size of a football, if footballs were gourd shaped) or a selection of novels (cuz you know your ass should read more). See, it's not all about me. Okay, that's a lie. Comment!
J-Killa
As an extra incentive, I'll run a contest. The best comment of the week gets a prize....hold on, I'm looking around HQ....aha! The prize this week is going to be your choice of a delightful green gourd (about the size of a football, if footballs were gourd shaped) or a selection of novels (cuz you know your ass should read more). See, it's not all about me. Okay, that's a lie. Comment!
J-Killa
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Two things that are great
It's not always about evil. Here's two things to make your day a little cheerier:
1.) I was walking down ol' Paseo Boriqua today and just east of California on the north side of the street was a scraggly, skinny tree. The lowest branches were about 8 feet up and throughout were scattered plastic action figures. I noted two different Supermans (Supermen?), what appeared to be a dollar-store version Batman, and a Captain America-looking guy with a parachute tangled in the branches. It was truly glorious.
2.) This quote-
"if Flavor Flav stands for anything -- besides Vikings, zealous timekeeping, and shiny teeth -- it is clearly the importance of being honest about one's boob-to-waist-to-booty ratio"
Ha! Flav rules.
Cheer the fuck up, it's a beautiful day
J-illin'
1.) I was walking down ol' Paseo Boriqua today and just east of California on the north side of the street was a scraggly, skinny tree. The lowest branches were about 8 feet up and throughout were scattered plastic action figures. I noted two different Supermans (Supermen?), what appeared to be a dollar-store version Batman, and a Captain America-looking guy with a parachute tangled in the branches. It was truly glorious.
2.) This quote-
"if Flavor Flav stands for anything -- besides Vikings, zealous timekeeping, and shiny teeth -- it is clearly the importance of being honest about one's boob-to-waist-to-booty ratio"
Ha! Flav rules.
Cheer the fuck up, it's a beautiful day
J-illin'
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