Who doesn't smoke crack every once in a while?

On occasion, I do take requests for blog topics. This is one such request:


THE PROBLEM WITH DATING, YOUNG MEN, SOCIETY, AND TECHNOLOGY


Granted, that's a pretty darn broad subject, but I do have a point here. Bear with me, there are some good stories thrown in as well. To begin:

I was chatting with my sister yesterday about our most recent dating foibles, and an important point came up. What the fuck is the deal with young men these days and their insane sense of entitlement? My sister and I are both lovely ladies with good brains and personality, and any man should be so fortunate as to receive our attentions. Why is it then that every fucking goon that takes a liking to us is shocked and appalled if we don't share the sentiment?

"But I like you so much!! Why shouldn't you just like me in turn because I want you?"

STORY TIME

So the sister goes out with this guy she met online (I know, I know, and I tried to tell her - but where do you meet people anyway?). I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone terribly here (ha!), so we'll call him Fatthew. He seems to have a decent personality and at least a few brain cells to rub together. On the other hand, he's weighing in at over 300 lbs. and he still lives with his exgirlfriend. Widget (also an alias) is not a shallow sort, so she can overlook a weight problem or some inconvenient living arrangements provided the personality and chemistry are there and dude isn't some raging psycho/racist/drug addict/basketcase. They go out.

Widget is lukewarm about the guy after the date, but considers seeing him again. She then leaves for a 4 day business trip and returns home to be completely mortified. This nutheap, who she went on one date with and hadn't spoken to since, managed to invent an entire relationship in her absence. Widget was out of town and roaming charges applied, so she missed his handful of phone calls over the weekend. His response, in email form, was thus:

[Widget],

First I wanted to thank you for such a nice evening last Friday. I feel bad that I made you drive so far, but hopefully your delicious dinner, and exhilarating company, made up for it in some manner. I was very nervous before we first met, but all of that disappeared after we began talking. You made quite an impression on me, I must say. You are so beautiful and extremely interesting. I really enjoyed listening to your stories and I hope I didn't bore you too much with mine. We share so many of the same interests and we also share a common past, which is so great! I have to be honest, that night I couldn't sleep at all, I was so "jazzed" about you, about everything! It felt wonderful. I told myself on Saturday that I should play it cool, and wait a few days to call you, but I really wanted to see you again, as soon as it was possible. I am sorry if my phone call bothered you. Then I made things even worse calling you on Sunday morning, I have to apologize for that, I had no intention of waking you up. I waited patiently to call you again Wednesday, I had to leave a message. You never called back and I tried again this afternoon. At this point I am pretty confident that you will never call me back. I am hurt and sad, to be honest. I don't want to say that my heart is broken, I hate cliches, but I can't think of a better way to describe how I feel. I thought that we had some sort of connection, was I wrong? Did I do something to change your feelings? Was the whole date a deception? I would really appreciate some honest answers, I feel like shit. I wish you only the best in life, [Widget]. I am a pretty nice guy. Please send some word, it's only right.

Best.

[Fatthew]


Uh, 'scuse me? "It's only right"? You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm going to say this now and it applies for eternity:

The only thing I have to do in my life is stay black and die. Everything else is optional.

That goes for me, for you, and for everybody else. So don't tell me or anyone else what to do, motherfucker. Awwwwww, whiny boy, do you need CLOSURE? Fuck your closure and fuck you. It's only right? Who gives a fuck, and fuck you again. Where did this shitbag get it in his head that Widget owes him anything? Hmmmm, let's examine -


HIS PARENTS
Chances are, this idiot was told all his life how special and unique and fantastic he was just for being him! Well, that's fucking sweet but it sure as hell didn't prepare him for reality.
"But my mom says I'm special on the inside!". Whatever.

ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Good grief, these have fucked up men worse than anything I can think of. The beauty eschews the conventional hunk for the awkward/ugly/fat/radioactive guy with the heart of gold. These pieces of tripe tell men that personality is everything, any guy can get the woman he desires if he just tries hard enough and loves hard enough. Additionally, in a lot of these vehicles, women are treated like commodities to be picked and chosen by men. Don't buy it? Watch a bit more critically next time. So much for this garbage being "chick flicks".

So what does that leave us with? Obese men who live with their exes feeling entitled to the affections of beautiful smart women because it's inner beauty that counts.
"So you won't date me because I'm fat? God, you are so shallow." Oh yeah? Shallow huh. So why aren't you lining up for the fat, ugly girls instead of trying to shame an attractive woman into dating you? Oh, no answer to that? Well, I thought so.


The second awful consequence of romantic comedies and the distorted image of women they show is THE GRAND GESTURE! Before I get to that, let's digress briefly on the evils of technology.

The information age has changed the tastes of society. It's quick and easy to get plenty of things via the technology we possess now, and this has fostered a generation of young people who demand everything right here and right now. This culture of instant gratification is pervasive and it's seeped into every avenue of society, including dating. I want it, I don't want to work for it, give it to me NOW.

So, the Grand Gesture. In the movies, if a lovestruck young jackass wants the affections of a lady, all he need do is perform some magnificent feat to get her attention and profess his love. Men aren't all that bright sometimes and bad with detail (oh come on), so they distill this concept into "If I do something she can't avoid noticing, she'll like me." This doesn't take into account the possible feelings of the lady in question and, coupled with the instant gratification problem young people have, the gestures tend to be somewhat un-grand. To wit:

STORY TIME

I know this silly young scamp. I met him through friends and never put much thought into him beyond that. One evening, my friends and I were getting tipsy and noisy at my place with the windows open when the young scamp happened by. His name is Matt, and he doesn't get an alias because he deserves every bit of ridicule he gets. He and his friend rang the buzzer and came up to hang with the crowd. We do a regular Wednesday party, and Matt joined us at my friends' place the next week, as well.

The day after I saw him, he sends me a text message saying "Do you think I'm sexy?"
That's an odd question so I responded with "Are you still drunk from last night?"
And then he goes for his GRAND GESTURE....

"Just to get it out of the way: I really want to fuck you."

Yeah, because that works. Hey, he did it just like he was taught by popular media. I just profess my affections and she will fall into my arms (or on my dick, as the case may be). God forbid he go to any effort at all to woo a woman when he could just say "hey, let's fuck" and do away with all of that silly effort! Matt, this one's for you:

An Open Letter to Matt the Silly Scamp

Honey,

I know you're young, but did you just roll off the turnip truck yesterday? Did you think that line would work? Really, did you think that would actually work? Have you met a woman before?

I know you were feeling inspired, and I have no doubt how inspirational I am. But there is a long tradition of men doing nearly everything in their power to gain the affections of women. Stories have been told of such things before the advent of the written word, for chrissakes. It's the nature of heterosexual relationships that men want it and women make them jump through hoops to give it up. There's a reason for this, and it's called WOMEN.

I'm sure you thought you were merely dispensing with all manner of nonsense with your BRILLIANT plan to just tell me you want to have sex with me, but guess what? I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I know you want to have sex with me. You didn't need to say anything at all, and this is true of most women and the men who admire them. Had you thought I would be so flattered that I would just throw my legs in the air and have at it? Daft, to say the least. If I went out on the street right now and asked 10 men if they wanted to have sex with me, I would get 10 enthusiastic yeses. Newsflash! This is true for just about any woman! Men are easy and horny, Matt. Thankfully, most men are also smarter than you. But you go on ahead and keep trying to reinvent that wheel.


Keep it in your pants, idiot
Jillian



Man, this post is getting off topic and starting to drag on a bit. The point I was trying to make was that young men are fucking ridiculous these days, making it awfully hard on young hetero women looking for love. Here's a quick list of other shit hetero guys shouldn't do:

WHAT NOT TO DO TO GET WOMEN

1.) BE METROSEXUAL
So you look like a fag but you like to bone ladies? Hell, I love the heck out of some fags, but I certainly don't date them (ahem, usually). I'm a straight woman, I date men. Did you hear that? MEN. Hairy, not-all-about-fashion manly-men. So act like a fucking man already. It's only fun for you to use moisturizer and hair products when I make you do it.

2.) BE SENSITIVE
Don't get me wrong, I don't dig assholes. I also don't dig guys who are motherfucking little girls on the inside. Being kind and compassionate is great, but demanding we talk about feelings is not cool. Talking about feelings is like kryptonite for Jillian in relationships. And do not, for any reason ever ever ever ever cry. Once more, DO NOT CRY! Do what you want in private and away from me, but do not cry in front of a woman unless it's out of overwhelming joy (wedding, birth of a child, etc.). If I wanted to date someone who acted like a damn chick, I would date chicks. Alas, that is not the case.

3.) CONSIDER WORKING OUT TO BE YOUR HOBBY
Working out is something you do to be healthy, not because it's particularly fun or interesting in the least. It's healthy to have regular bowel movements, but do you see me telling people about my stool? No, you do not! Why? Because nobody wants to fucking hear about it, much like anything to do with your workout regimen. Now go collect stamps or something.

4.) SMOKE CRACK
I thought I was the only one who had this problem with men, but it appears as though Widget has had a similar experience. Her date went as far as to actually light up the crack pipe with some of his buddies in front of her. Yikes.

MY CRACKHEAD STORY

I decided to give internet dating another shot, despite only have met freaks in the past. What can I say? I was either too stupid to learn my lesson or full of bright sparkly hope for mankind. Anyhoo, I met this guy named Jay and he seemed to be quite bright and interesting. He was a writer and we had similar interests, and his picture was pretty cute. We met for drinks and he was halfway decent company, despite drinking to a substantial excess. Considering how much I enjoy drinking, that's saying quite a lot. Oh well, maybe he was just nervous.

Jay suggested we go meet some friends of his at another bar and I went along with it. I'm hateful but strangely friendly. On the way there, Jay mentions that his one friend (who we'll call Rocky because I can't remember his name) smokes crack. I'm astounded because, really, who does that? That's fucked up. I'm cracking up (pun!) at this revelation when Jay lets it slide that he, too, smokes crack occasionally. And then he utters the immortal line:

"Who doesn't smoke crack every once in a while?"

My response, naturally, was "Uhh, me and everyone I know. That's who". We met up with his friends, who happily exclaimed after a taste of my company "We like Jillian way better than you, Jay!" Then later, Rocky asked me out right in front of Jay, creating awkwardness for everyone assembled. Crack must act on those "good manners" portions of the brain.



Ugh, that's enough of this. I'm making myself depressed.

If anyone happens to know some good-looking straight single men with some decent brainpower out there, send them my way please. I'm very cute, I have a great rack, my spelling is fantastic, and I love action movies. Get to work, minions.



[Shaking head despondently],
The Devil