What's for dinner? A lamb of God.

Sometimes I like to aggravate people just for aggravation's sake. And by people, I mean Christians.


Please don't misinterpret me on this point, I have nothing against Christians other than they seem to take every opportunity to annoy the shit out of me. I'm speaking, naturally, of their tendency to live in a vacuum and be outrageously offensive to people of any other religion. They also have trouble taking a joke and they absolutely shit themselves should you dare speak against Christianity. Basically, they're asking for it and far be it for me to deny them.

I also hate chain letters. Seriously folks, is it 1998? I'll answer that for you: it is not 1998, so knock it off with the chain letters. So I got a fucking CHRISTIAN CHAIN LETTER yesterday from a friend of mine, which I merely ignored because she is a friend and my annoyance threshhold for friends is much higher than for the general public. THEN, one of her friends sent me the same damn Christian motherfucking chain letter back. It was necessary to take action.

Here's the original (annotated) chain letter:

Hi - I am picking 11 people who have touched my life and who I think
would want to receive this. Please send it back to me (You'll see why).

In case you are not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love.
She is represented by roses. May everyone who receives this message be blessed.

Theresa's Prayer cannot be deleted.
REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the prayer . That's all you have to do.
There is nothing attached. Just share this with people and see what happens on the fourth day.
Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Read the prayer below. &nb sp;



Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Now, send this to 11 people within the next 5 minutes. And remember to send this back. I count as 1...you'll see why.


Fucking disgusting, right? There was also a picture of Mother Theresa and the old Pope, just in case I was annoyed enough with the text. Additionally, how fucking trite is it to send a damn Christian chain letter addressed to someone who has touched your life and you think would want to receive this to a stranger. Additionally, it's a chain letter and no one ever wants to receive that shit, Christian or not. Considering, I didn't feel to bad baiting this particular Christian for my own amusement. Yeah, I'm a dick, but I've been saying that all along.

My response:

Hey Jackass (also known as "Timothy Biars"),

I don't know you and you don't know me, but allow me to make something entirely clear: I am not a nice person. I can only assume that you copied my email address from the original chain letter that Erica forwarded me, so you could then forward it along to however many people so the pope or Mother Theresa could grant your 3 wishes - or whatever it is that you Christian imbeciles are believing in this week. I am not a Christian and I'm highly offended by you motherfuckers hurling your ridiculous god-jesus-pope bullshit in my direction. I tolerate this crap from Erica because we're long time friends and I'm rather fond of the girl. That is not your case, however. I can only imagine you didn't expect such vitriol in response, but alas:

Fuck the Pope
Fuck Mother Theresa
Fuck Impressionable Idiots that send chain letters
Fuck Christians
And Fuck you.

With the utmost sincerity,
Jillian

P.S. I hope you don't plan to breed.



And then I eagerly awaited the bile-filled tirade from my new Christian buddy. It's absolutely brilliant how out of sorts Christians get when anyone chances to attack their chosen beliefs, even in such an admittedly lame fashion. Fuck the Pope? Really, you Christians are too damn easy. Unfortunately, a good many Christians didn't pay enough attention in elementary school and it's evidenced in their debate tactics (and grammar and spelling, eek!).


Tim's rebuttal:

1st of all whoa.......it was an accident 2ndly...and for the record you do know me! i am sure you dont remember how me my friend mike and erica all hung out with you...

lastly...fuck you?

real mature of you...what should any one expect anything less from a god less heathen who needs saving...a simple no thank you would have been suffice...i dont expect any thing less from a blabby two ton chunk ass like you...no one forced there beliefs on you...just simply wished you well...wich seems like you dont want...and you are more than likely not happy and take a nice thought... even though unintentional and tell a person fuck off...so if this is your way of having fun...fuck off back at ya tank ass...lol

so you tolerate your friends huh? you put up with them rather than accept them as who they are...guess its to be expected from someone who is used to feeling insecure...guess your friendships must be really great ya douch bag. well...i may be christian...but your fat and ugly...lol...thats something no one can change...not even god...mother teresa...the pope or liposuction facelifts tummy tucks and tons of money...none of that can help your sorry ass...normally i laugh at things like this and carry on...but you are special...special in a mild retarded...fat...smelly and ugly kind of special that requires special attention in these matters...i'm sure you get your jollies from crap like this so feel free to email away in between stuffing your fat face tank ass...

so the next time you decide to mouth off to someone who knows you and you are to stupid to remember...just remember this converstation...wait...i cant expect that from a IDIOT! i am sure most of your life is a blurr...to busy being stupid to apprecieate the beauty of life and what it has to offer...like faith...good eating habits and style...OH and most importantly...you have no class fat ass...so the next time your fat ass steps on the scale of life it will read...to be continued...lol

you stupid cunt...enjoy...you chunky fat bag of nasty...feel free to email me when you get desparate for attention...wich should be the rest of you life...

oh and "alas"

"if fat and ugly was a sin you would go straight to hell"

p.s. Jesus loves you...but i think your're a cunt ^__^

Personally, my favorite part is "blabby". I don't think I've ever heard that before.

I could go into a rant about what ignorant degenerates Christians are, but that's too easy yet. I think it would be much more fun to get a little Pop Psychology 101 on young Tim's eomtional and highly personal tirade. Here you go, I call this one

Tim Biar's Brain in a Jar

1.) Young Tim feels he doesn't receive as much attention and esteem as he deserves, as evidenced by the first section. He makes a point of mentioning that I do, in fact, know him and that we used to hang out. Still don't remember the guy, but he obviously feels slighted by being forgotten and it colors the rest of his letter.

2.) Tim is also quite an insecure individual, as he chooses to mention a few particular qualities: weight, attractiveness, intelligence, and attention-seeking. Now if you know me, you know I'm not insecure. Quite the opposite as many people I know will, no doubt, be happy to mention. So who's insecurities is he aiming at? His own, of course. As people are wont to do, he believes that the things that bother him also bother everyone else. He's got me pegged on the attention-seeking, but it's something I indulge rather than feel bad about. Of course, no one with eyes would call me fat or unattractive, and I hope my flair for the written word is evidence of my intelligence. So who's the dumb, ugly fatty?

I didn't alter anything he wrote in the letter above, so you can tell we're not dealing with a brain trust here. What is the deal with the etcetera marks in between a million sentence fragments? Good grief, coupled with the spelling issues, this is about 4th grade level reading and composition skills. Ouch.

Additionally, I spent a big 2 minutes researching our friend Tim here, and I managed to pull up some photos. Ahem....somebody is a little Fatthew, if you know what I'm saying. And frankly, the looks are not there. They just aren't. It's just plain jerky to make fun of someone's weight (yes, even a bit too jerky for me), so I resisted the impulse to write back "Hey idiot, you are the last damn person to be taking anyone's weight to task". And people can't help if they're ugly, but that's not a big deal if the personality is good. Unfortunately for Tim...

After reading the letter, mostly I just felt a lot of pity. I know I'll probably hear back from a few people about how this boy is being really hateful to women in addition to being another person giving Christianity a bad name. It's a dumb, unattractive, pudgy and exceptionally bitter guy -- and even I draw the line at kicking people when they're down.


So I let him in on the joke that was only ever funny to me in the first place:


Ha! That kicked ass, thanks. This is going on my blog, google yourself later.

I must admit that was I baiting you intentionally and, no, I don't remember you (although I can't say I'm disappointed about that). I'd say something to aggravate you further, but you've obviously got enough problems. And for the love of everything you claim to believe in, work on the grammar and spelling - it's appalling.

Godless Heathen



As you can see, it's not actually a nice response. However, it's a lot better than he deserved, considering, and I can indulge in a bit of that self-righteousness the Christians are so fond of. Now, what would you do in this case? I's honestly be a little pissed that I was made to be the butt of a joke and that my ignorance would be placed in a forum for public ridicule, as I told him I planned to do. What did he do?


He backpedaled like he was about to bike off a damn cliff:

okay okay...lol...i have to admit your response was really more funny than agravating...however my comments were harsh and to that affect i would like to apologize and say i was wrong for responding like that. again i apologize for saying those things...i thought it was funny at the time but i realize that was just as childish...

and for the record my english is appalling...lol...good god ( and the devil in your case...j/k) i cant spell or put together a gramitical sentence to save my life...

any way...ha... i cant get this stupid smirk off my face...thanks for taking the mundane out of my day and the kick in the balls from life is painfull... but funny to watch... so jillian the devil as i recall our first conversation it was of debate and disgust in each others jokes wich made it even funnier...it looks like some people are who they are no matter what...in a good way i mean.

well next time you need to shit talk...talk trash or just fuck with some one....remember me please...it may seem sadistic but i think its great...it really was the funniest thing i read or heard all week..ha... this was so funny. hope nothing was taken personal and if it was...you probally have issues....j/k...or am i?

-repenting bastard



And he apologizes. That just kills me. My powers of evil coercion shock me sometimes.


Right now the score is Jesus - 0, Jillian - 1


It's Osso Bucco on the menu tonight,
The Devil


[UPDATE: It's come to my attention that googling my churchy buddy's name doesn't pull this post up. Dammit, that takes the fun out of it. So here goes - Tim Biars Timothy Biars T. Biars. that should do it. Carry on.]