What the hell is with air guitar?

Hello everybody!

I'm extremely sleepy today because I was out all day yesterday being extremely awesomely metal. How metal, you ask?

Well, we went to see SLAYER. Slayer is the freaking jam. They ruled the school. They had awesome explosions and various awesome flaming setpieces and awesome long hair and they headbanged in an awesome way. In a word: it was AWESOME.

Also awesome:

CANNIBAL CORPSE!

They too played the show! We were getting absolutely baked in the copious sunshine (and those of you that know me know that I look like an underground cave creature who's never before seen sunlight) and shoved up against sweaty strangers, but Cannibal Corpse brought some serious rock to that venue. They aren't Slayer-level awesome, but they did a fine job nonetheless. Kudos and extra props to the lead singer for being quite charming with the crowd.

Now, you know how it goes around here: you rarely get sweet without a little (a lot) of the salty. So....

HERE'S WHAT WAS DECIDELY NOT AWESOME ABOUT MAYHEM FEST:

1.) Marilyn Manson

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Bitch did not even try. I'm not wild about the music of Marilyn Manson but you can usually count on that character for a decent stage show. Granted, we were sitting on the lawn at a big amphitheatre but dude wasn't even dressed crazy. He flailed around the stage while the elaborate lighting burned our retinas out and, whenever there was a break in the musical proceedings, just screamed "CHICAGO!!!" at the crowd. That shit is just cheap. Yeah, people will probably scream at a rock show regardless of what the act is shouting at them, but I would at least like some effort at amusement or originality. I also think that Manson was innebriated in some fashion. Admittedly, the band does do a song about cocaine and rock music has a long and illustrious history with chemical abuse. However, I do have to draw the line when it is so deleterious to the performance. It was crappy. Slayer played just before Manson and they killed (hee, pun intended). Manson came on, didn't even play for 40 minutes, and sucked ass like a was a melting popsicle. We left before they finished, but the early reviews from others in attendance were not dissimilar to mine.

2.) Chicks dressed in various inappropriate fashions

What part of "we will be outside, in the daytime, at a music festival, outdoors, where there are very few chairs and likely we will be sitting on the ground" says "I should totally wear a corset, a miniskirt and spike heels". From what I can tell, that would be the opposite of what you should wear for that type of event. Some things are evening-wear only and anything involving a corset definitely falls into that category. Also in the hideous fashion column:

• Girls wearing bras around like they are shirts. They are not shirts. If they were shirts, they would be called "shirts" and not "bras".
• Girls wearing heels they can't walk in. Looking terribly awkward and/or in pain is not what anyone should be going for in their sartorial endeavors.
• Girls wearing enormous platform boots when they don't have the frame to pull that look off. If you're tall and buxom, it works because there is some balance there. If you are tiny, you just look like a tiny girl with giant mutant feet.
• Cheap-looking crocheted, cropped halter tops sold by vendors at the event. These are hideous, absolutely horrible, yet I saw more than one girl who purchased said item and changed into it. What? You didn't look hideous enough when you arrived? I think you probably did, no need to elaborate on it.

3.) Sweaty strangers

Ewww. Ew.

4.) AIR GUITAR!

Words can't describe how much air guitar irritates me. I hate it, I don't understand the compulsion to do it, and it makes everyone look like a fucking moron. There isn't really an instrument there, so it's not like you're providing some valuable assistance to the band. Moreover, it's not like this "air guitar", when translated onto an actual instrument, would provide the correct notes. The air guitar mutants are just flailing about! The worst is when folks do the half-assed air guitar ala a single hand "strumming" on the thigh area. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WACKING IT, SO CUT IT OUT.

Also included: air drums, air bass, air jazz flute. I am against the playing of all imaginary instruments.

That's it, I'm too tired to further amuse you. Go fetch me a coffee and I may be willing to negotiate.

Go get a real freaking instrument already,

Jillian

UPDATES!!

• I totally saw a hot priest this morning. He was Greek or Italian and looked like a cross between the young priest in The Exorcist and a twink male model.
• The people of Humboldt Park still enjoy bad music.
• I think I have new neighbors downstairs in the apartment formerly occupied by the man known as "Freaky-Deeky Neighbor". The nickname is pretty descriptive of his behavior: he was a superfreak and not in a Rick James awesome sort of way.
• The end is nigh.

Keep it in your pants,

J-Killa

Why does everyone have to be such enormous jackasses all the time?

Ugh, people are so lame. Heterosexual men are the absolute lamest.

Here's the story:

I was at my office yesterday, just doing my thing (being awesome and extremely attractive). I try to keep this blog semi-anonymous; you never know what kind of weirdos you're working with who may have googled you and come upon this little slice of insanity. In the spirit of vagueness, I will only say that I work in a fairly standard office environment with a large sales team of about 60 people. In this business, there are certain vendors that like to ply us with food and booze and tickets to baseball games in attempts to garner our favor. That's super, who doesn't want a free lunch? However, sometimes they take this good-natured bribery in unforseen and undeniably creepy directions.

One particular vendor - I will, for the sake of mystery, call them 'Precise Assemblage' - bought the whole office lunch a few weeks back. The lunch was fabulous but it was merely to distract from the company's sales rep loitering about and annoying everyone in her path. I hate to speak ill of a lady that's just trying to get her sales on, but she is so cloying, so overenthusiastic, so phony that everyone was making efforts to look extra busy so she wouldn't bother them. That was the first instance that characters from Precise Assemblage landed in our office, but not the last.

The first representative of Precise Assemblage singled me out because I order most of the products that we would be getting from this vendor. Fine, I humored her for a few minutes and listened to her spiel. I ended up putting several orders for products through her company, but the products were not delivered and the level of customer service was not acceptable. This is a cut-throat industry and there are plenty of companies that do what Precise Assemblage does, and I was happy to tell them this as I told them they were total crap (in the nicest way possible). Between the original rep and another woman at their office, I must say that they stepped up their game in a significant way since my complaint. I was happy, they were still getting our orders, nothing more to say, correct?

Apparently not. The original representative was back in the office yesterday, along with her boss. I will call him Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut. I made every effort to look extremely busy, talk on the phone as much as possible, or put on my headphones in an effort to keep these two jokers away from me. No such luck. Original rep cornered me by the copy machine and I managed to be nice and dismissive. Once I returned to my desk, Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut saunters over and exclaims "JILLIAN! So nice to finally meet you!" I have never seen nor heard of this character before, so I am understandably perplexed. He goes on to tell me that his name is [name redacted] and he's the orginal rep's boss and he's heard so much about me. Frightening and weird, especially as I'm sitting at my desk and he's looming over me a bit too close for comfort. I make some crack about him knowing my name because I complained and he goes on and on about how it's imperative to get client feedback and all sorts of other jargony things.

Here's where it becomes embarassing for all persons involved:

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut tells me if I have any problems in the future, I can call him directly. I thanked him and said that the original rep and the other woman at their office were so efficient in handling my concerns that I really had no need to call him. He then goes on to say that I can call him even if I don't have a problem: "Well, you are welcome to call me for good and bad things!". Odd phrasing, I agree. THEN, he presents me with his business card and says....

"My cell phone number is on here, that's the BATPHONE. You can reach me there ANY time."

The Batphone

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut seems to believe he's Batman, which I'm pretty sure is like Highlander in there can be only one. If anyone would like the number to the Batphone, send me an email. The person who sends me the weirdest pickup line wins the prize.

I'll show you a caped crusader,

Jillian

So you want more blogs?

The picture above is how I feel about your requests.

So these jerks (you know who you are) have been harassing me to write this blog more often and, occasionally, such harassment is actually effective. Or, I have a lot of free time on my hands, as is the case today.

We need a topic now, don't we? How about some reviews. My opinions are waaaaaay better than your opinions and it would just be cruel of me to keep them to myself.

Here goes....

SOME MOVIES I'VE SEEN LATELY AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT THEM

1.) Pineapple Express

Yes, this came out a while ago but I just got it from Netflix last week. I don't go to see movies at the movie theater ever: it makes for a lame first date, I am not patient enough to deal with the noise and children of other people, I'm old enough to just go to a bar, and I have a bladder like an acorn. TMI? Perhaps, but it's a pretty unfortunate cross to bear.

So, the movie: the movie is not what I expected i.e. a light stoner romp along the lines of Half Baked. It certainly starts as such, but devolves into a surrealist's interpretation of an action movie. For instance, the third major protagonist in the film gets shot something like 10 times during the second half of the film and is perfectly fine without an real explanation why he isn't dead. If you're wondering why I don't know the actor's name, he's the one who never gave Judd Apatow a blow job (cough cough SETH ROGEN cough James DiFranco cough cough cough). He's funny though. Also bizarre and non-sequitous is all the balls-out violence that the movie jumps into. You just....don't expect it from the previews, I guess. Personally, I was pleasantly surprised. I like a solid handful of "this shit just doesn't make sense" as well as a few buckets of blood and effluvia in my cinema.

The Prognosis: Won't cure cancer but would be fun to watch with your buddies while enjoying some cocktails or other things***

2.) Rachel Getting Married

If you have a sister/possibly gay brother who insists on marrying a woman anyway, who is seriously pretentious and has way too many obnoxious artist and musician friends who all think they are the damn bee's knees - this is the movie for you. Or rather, this is the movie to prepare yourself for said relation's nuptials or to convince you to just kill yourself before the twee blowhard-fest gets underway.

Don't get me wrong, this is a really good movie. Anna Hathaway as the bitch-machine former meth-addict/model sister of the eponymous Rachel, who is getting married dontcha know, is divine. Rachel, played by some chick, is beyond revolting. OMG, she's marrying a black dude! HOW PROGRESSIVE! Oh wow, they have so many musician friends who CONSTANTLY play their folksy whatever because they're just so ARTISTIC! How sweet, they have a rehearsal dinner where EVERY SINGLE PERSON makes a speech (because you know how hipsters love listening to themselves talk). Holy smokes, they're opting for saris instead of traditional western wedding attire. HOW UNUSUAL!!!!!! For the love of jeebus, the groom starts singing to his bride during the vows BECAUSE HE'S A MUSICIAN!!!! No, this isn't awkward and kind of creepy (I lied, it totally is). The bridal couple and their friends are just so barfy and, unfortunately, Anne Hathaway's character never takes the piss out of them for being such enormous douches.

The Diagnosis: While definitely engaging, I would have liked Anne Hathaway to call everyone douchebags at least 5 times. That about sums up the douchiness.

[I'm already getting bored with this topic]

Alright, one more:

3.) Special

When I first saw this movie on Netflix, I assumed it was about me (reasonable). Alas, it's an amusing little indie about a guy who gets some good ol' fashioned brain trauma that makes him think he's developing super powers. It's charming and strange and a little sad, but mostly it makes you feel better about lunatics on the street. Maybe they just think they're super heroes and that's why they're shouting at those cars like that. It's a feel good film.

The Prescription: watch this movie, then go have a chat with a homeless.

Okay, new topic.

WEIRD CRAP I'VE SEEN AROUND HUMBOLDT PARK LATELY

I didn't live-blog the Puerto-Rican Day parade this year but, then again, I never had any intention to. I typically opt out as I am not puertorican, I don't like reggaeton, and the only flag I have features an airbrush of that seminal musical group, Poison. Instead, I went to the beach with my sister and then we went out for some mexican food. I'm sure the parade was super awesome: 1 million puertoricans with 5 million puertorican flags couldn't be wrong.

This weekend, I saw possibly the most impractical vehicle imaginable: I think it was an impala, 1970's or early 80's maybe. This is pure conjecture as I don't really know anything about cars (or care). Anyhoo, this bad boy was decked out in a major way. It had HUGE HUGE HUGE tires - easily twice the size of what normally would be on that car, and they had shiny chrome spinning rims (of course). The piece de resistance was that the car had full hydraulics and the hydraulics were being fully employed! I am not exaggerating when I say the bottom chassis (see, that's a car word) was about at eye-level for me. The bottom of the car was 5 freaking feet off the ground, just cruising down Division like "What? Everybody cool has a ridonkulously tall car with giant wheels that probably don't even fit in the wheel wells". I tip my hat to you, you crazy impala virtuoso!

At the Fruteria: those of you that know me well know how I feel about the mighty Fruteria. I love it and its wacky denizens, although I could probably do without the smell of the butcher shop in the back. I was in the Fruteria, as I am almost daily, after work one day last week and I overheard the most fascinating conversation. The proprietor of the establishment was having an argument with this young gentleman - the proprietor had accused the gentleman of stealing a carbonated beverage the day prior and the young gentleman said he did not do such a thing. IN FACT, as he effusively defended, he would never steal! If he wanted something, he would just take it, while stealing implies he would be trying to be sneaky about it. I know what you're thinking: what the hell is the difference? Well, as the young gentleman was trying to explain, he has no need to be sneaky, as he is such a bad ass that he would just take things flagrantly without hiding his actions. While that does clarify his position slightly, it certainly did nothing to assuage the proprietor's concern over that young man absconding with items he had not paid for, sneakiness or not. Ah, crazy people.

Outside the Fruteria: also last week, I was walking past the Fruteria on my way to work at 8am or so when I had this bizarre interlude: there was a big delivery truck parked on the sidewalk and, unless I'm mistaken, it was from Chicago Beverage. For those not in the know, Chicago Beverage is a major distributor of booze to stores and restaurants/bars in the city and I'm calling them out here because the people who work for them are damn crazy in the brains. Or one of them anyway. To wit: I am walking past and the delivery man is loading a dolly on the side of the truck as I am walking past. I get a few feet beyong where he is standing when he yells "HEY!! DID YOU JUST GRAB MY ASS!?!?" Um, no. "I SWEAR YOU JUST GRABBED MY ASS!!" I assure you, sir, I did nothing of the sort (yes, I really talk to people like this). "Well, where you going? Come back here!" I'm going to work, I don't have time for this. "AWWW, CMON! Come back!" And my final response was: Sir, it's too fucking early for this shit. And it really was. I do have to complement his technique for sheer insanity; if he was good-looking, it would have totally worked.

In the spirit of the anecdote above, I present to you....

A LIST OF BAD PICK UP LINES

(that will still work if you happen to be very attractive)

1.) "HEY!! DID YOU JUST GRAB MY ASS?!?!"

2.) "Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Lily Taylor?", from a man with total Gollem teeth (watch Lord of the Rings if you don't catch my meaning) decked out in head to toe bright peach linen with white alligator shoes. While Lily Taylor is, no doubt, an attractive woman, she's easily 20 years older than me and I look young for my age. Stupid Gollem-teeth.

3.) "Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world", employed by me in my college years. I am very attractive so this line always worked.

4.) "Hey baby, let's go back to your place and do some math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply", said at one point to my friend, Kris. Even if you are the sexy lovechild of Henry Rollins and the lead singer of Type O Negative, this line is too fucking gross to work ever. If you are even considering saying this to someone, you should probably get your head checked as you are CRAZY IN THE BRAINS. And not in a fun way.

5.) "Hey baby my name is (insert name) How are you?" Response: " I'm fine." Rejoinder "I didn't ask how you looked, I asked you how you were doing", also provided by Kris. Granted, this is beyond cheesy but, if you were the above mentioned sexy love child or even just regular ol' Henry Rollins, this would get you a laugh and a number.

On a slightly related note:

If you are on duty as a postal carrier, you should not be hitting on people.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. They're government workers? They wear uniforms? They could be fondling the books I buy from Amazon? Who knows? But I do declare, this is wrong behavior. Upon exiting my office one day with a female friend, the postal carrier outside (a severely obese and slovenly attired gent - therefore not covered by the "do whatever you want because you're really hot" caveat) first feigned a heart attack, then said something along the lines of "I'm going to have to serve you two ladies!". Naturally, my friend and I looked at him quizzically, whereupon he stated "It has to be illegal to look that fine!", thus implying that we should be served with legal summons for being so attractive. Buddy, just deliver the fucking mail and keep your commentary to yourself.

That's all I got for today, folks. Stop your bitching.

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease,

Jillian

***I'm talking about finger sandwiches. Stop being such a miscreant.

Let's Be Pointless

Well, hello there.

I'm constantly harassed by my legion of fans to post more often (okay, one fan in particular but she is quite outspoken), so I'm making a half-assed effort of it today. Well, it's not so half-assed as it is without a particular topic - I don't manufacture news and frankly, not much is going on. That doesn't mean I have nothing to say. So allow me to present you with a general update on the goings on in the Devil's universe:

DEVIL NEWS!!!!

SPRING 2009 HUMBOLDT HOMELESS WATCH

Ahh, Chicago has finally graced us with some temperate weather and the local homeless are coming out of their burrows and Oscar the Grouch-style trashcans to greet the people. The new trend in homelessness this year is bizarre pretensions. Only this morning, one of the Fruteria Crew greeted me in an affected English accent with " 'Ello, love!" Thoroughly charming, keep up the good work and I look forward to your reviews of my Spring and Summer fashions. I have a feeling they will be overwhelmingly negative, as usual.

LITTLE CHICKEN TO BE PUZZLED AND ANNOYED BY NEW OFFSPRING

My darling goddaughter (aka MadDog Killer Baby aka Little Chicken) is going to be a big sister come this December. Seeing that this child has more attitude than someone 4 times her size, I predict that she will not like this new development one bit. For my part, I have already picked out tiny t-shirts with 'v1.0' and 'v2.0' on them and decided upon a nickname (because I rarely call anyone by their names and certainly not babies) for this latest offspring: Newbie.

BOOK REVIEWS

I love books and I read a ton of them.

River of Gods by Ian McDonald

- This book takes place in near-future India and, yes, it's sci-fi. I love sci-fi and I find Indian culture fascinating but I was initially given pause with this title as it's written by an Englishman who had lived briefly in India. Given the scope of the story (a number of discrete personalities are examined who lives eventually converge) and how deeply steeped in Indian culture it is, I can't help being impressed that this is a work of an outsider. What's not impressing: the author's need to drop every single Indian term he picked up in his time there in a shameless bid for authenticity. A little would have added legitimacy to the story without pushing past the bounderies of understanding but, as it is, I felt like I should be consulting an Indian slang dictionary after every paragraph. As a person who's managed to pick up some Chinese and Arabic from bootlegging tv shows from foreign sources, I can handle inferring the meaning of foreign words from context. But when every third word is a mystery, it gets distracting.

*D [self-indulgent and trying too fucking hard, don't bother]

When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris

-I know this won't be popular with all of the David Sedaris ass-lickers out there but, in all honesty, Sedaris is losing his edge. I'm a fan and I've read all of his books but I wasn't able to devour this latest title as voraciously as his earlier works. His schtick is getting boring and he needs to change it up. "The Smoking Section" is 83 pages of David Sedaris' dramatic plight to quit smoking. And by "dramatic plight", I mean "less interesting than watching Nicorette commercials for the equivalent time it took to read this story." REALLY. I was even trying to quit smoking myself when I read this and it did nothing for me aside from a few chuckles and wondering what the ultimate point of this recap was (Spoiler - the only point of the story appears to be an 83 page vehicle for incorporating the book's title). If you're a fan and a completist, get it and read it - it probably won't hurt you. If you're unfamiliar, go get Me Talk Pretty One Day or Barrel Fever instead. Lazy effort.

*C+ [David Sedaris is still good, but this book was disappointing. The low score is because I expect better out of him]

The Host by Stephanie Meyer

-Yes, that Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame. Honestly, this was good. I grudgingly admit that I read the Twilight series but (1.) I read everything and read it quickly so putting back this newly infamous series wasn't an enormous effort and (2.) my reading list isn't restricted to Twilight and Harry Potter as is the case for a great deal of my (hated) peers. Anyhoo, the Twilight series is pretty damn bad (save for the last book, which is balls out insanity in an amusing way) and Stephanie Meyer is not a talented writer. Mostly, she's a lazy writer as is further evidenced in The Host, a near-future sci-fi tale of the takeover, bodysnatcher-style, of the human population by a race of peaceful, moral alien creatures. Save for an occasional, poorly elucidated medical procedure and the use of the term "cryo-tanks" to describe something that is not related to cryogenics, there is no science in this science fiction. Not that all science fiction writers must be scientists in their own right, but most will bother to do some research to elaborate on their fictions effectively. Meyer has not bothered and it's obvious. As with her other works, Meyer opts to flesh out her stories with endless and redundant emotional content. However, this crutch works better here as she examines the moral quanderies the main alien parasite is facing by stealing the bodies of humans and what happens when the host consciousness communicates and influences the alien intruder. It's compelling, if not particularly sophisticated, and miles away from the outstanding stupidity and weepy, teenage melancholy of the spakly vampire crap.

*B [I'd call this a 'beach read' if that term didn't imply icky romance novels. Less brain-rotting than television]

FOOD REVIEWS

Enjuku Green Onion Miso

- I don't like sushi (don't worry, I'm still bourgie and arrogant) so the only thing I'm enthusiastic about in Japanese cuisine is edamame and miso soup. Since that isn't much impetus for actually visiting a restaurant, I like to prepare these two simple dishes at home. I've never seen it at the major chain supermarkets, but you can get miso soup mix at every asian grocery that I've ever been to. Most recently, I got the Enjuku brand miso soup mix at the big asian (Vietnamese?) grocery store in the strip mall just north of Lawrence on Broadway. They have all sorts of weird looking things that seem like a good idea to buy and ponder as well as lovely and reasonably priced kitchenware. I would not recommend the frozen foods or fish section for those faint of heart or stomach. Typically, miso mix includes a packet of miso paste and a packet of garnish - usually a combination of freeze dried tofu, green onions and seaweed. I HATE TOFU SO FREAKING MUCH and I was delighted to find the Enjuku Green Onion variety that does away with the nasty nasty foul and disgusting tofu nuggets in favor of a lot more green onions. Encouraged, I gave it a whirl yesterday (mix packets with hot water, done) and my feelings are mixed. Miso broth: perfect, but pretty hard to screw up. Green onions: copious. Seaweed: aw, now here's where things have gone awry. Dried seaweed seems like an easy thing to get right but the 'weed in this soup was not as vibrantly green as I like and veering on slimy. All in all, I think I'll go back to picking the tofu nuggets out of the other brands but I'll still finish off this package.

*B [Good broth and onions, no vile tofu. Slimy seaweed]

Piece Pizza

-Wicker Park is stuffed to the gills with cutesy, punny-named establishments that are under the misapprehention that they are being oh-so-hopelessly clever. Piece, with it's modified peace sign logo, is no exception to this rule. But, while the vast majority of products to come out of these establishments are as unspecial and trite as their proprietors, Piece actually delivers. THIS IS THE BEST PIZZA IN CHICAGO. Anyone who knows me knows I love pizza. I am a gourmand in my own right, but I happily admit that pizza is my favorite food and I never get sick of it. I could eat pizza for every meal (although, for the sake of my waist line and GI tract, I don't) and I always order from Piece. If you are so unfortunate as to live outside their delivery area, you will have no choice but to visit the restaurant itself. Positives: they have a microbrewery onsite and the beer is terrific. Negatives: the service here is so unbelievably bad that the last 2 out of 3 times I've been in the restaurant resulted in free pizza because the servers screwed shit up so badly and the management is (not unpleasant but) worse than useless. Bad service anywhere usually results in a lifetime ban of said establishment - I have no patience and chances are good that I can get the same shit somewhere else where my patronage is more appreciated. Piece's New Haven-style pizza is so good that I will happily endure their braindead, hipster-loser staff to eat it. I advise artichoke hearts and extra cheese.

*A+ [It's like hope and prosperity spread on a thin crust and covered with cheese and rainbows]

UPCOMING EVIL EVENTS!

Baby Showers are Seriously Painful

- I have committed to going to my best friend's sister-in-law's babyshower because I am obviously a glutton for punishment. I like the sister-in-law in question; we're friendly but I wouldn't consider us friends. I'm also not entirely certain when this event is to take place but I've been assured that there will be booze. For the record: booze spiked punches do not count as actual booze in this situation as there isn't nearly enough alcohol in them for me to forget lamenting how I got talked into going to another fucking baby shower.

Easter? That's when we worship a bunny, yes?

- It appears that Easter is coming up this very Sunday, as I learned this morning. One would think a hellspawn like myself would rally against overtly Christian holidays, and rightly so, but I can't hate on an occasion that will undoubtedly result in my being presented with a festive basket full of colorful candy. Like many Christians, my religious affiliations are shallow and self-serving, so at least I'm in good company.

Wishing you all an evil tomorrow,

The Devil

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Fools!

Before you ask: No, there is not a new Antichrist among us (or maybe there is). This is my delightfully evil little goddaughter, Mad Dog, showing her pride at the South Side Irish Parade on Sunday. See, it's not all hate and complaining about stupid people on this site. Sometimes there are cute babies, like my little chicken here. Now go have a drink!


Proper Irish stay home on St. Patrick's Day,
Jillian O'Devil

Let's Eat Some Things!

Oh my word, can I fucking tell you people how sick I have been this week? It's been awful, I thought I was going to die. It was 3 solid days of fevers, hot and cold sweats, and a horrifying hacking cough that, after a full day of it, caused immense strain and subsequent shooting pain through all of my abdominal muscles. The cough and pain was so bad on Day 2 that I threw out a muscle in my back causing me to fall over and then crawl to my bed where I lay, nearly paralyzed, for about 9 hours. I know I'm being entirely too dramatic, but you just tell me you're any better when you're sick. I pride myself on not being crippled, so it's especially harsh when I find myself so.

In addition to all the joy above, I have had no appetite at all, subsisting on lemon lime soda and anger alone. And that's not a meal, folks.

Miraculously, my appetite has returned! I'm quite pleased and, obviously, hungry. Never one to be stingy with the good moods (or bad moods for that matter), here's a list!


THINGS THAT ARE GOOD TO EAT

I don't know about you but, personally, I like to eat food.

TAHINI

Tahini is sesame seed paste and it's in all sorts of things you love (by 'you', I mean 'me'), like hummus and jerusalem salad. Now, I know how folks do these days: nobody cooks anymore and you all live on packaged prepared foods (and by 'you', I mean 'you' cuz I don't pull that shit). Good for you, you're slowly stewing your organs in preservatives and chemical additives. Would it kill you to make something from scratch once in a while? No, it wouldn't.

If that's not enough incentive (in addition to the obvious notion that it would please me and curry favor with your lord Satan), packaged prepared foods are much more expensive and the economy sucks. Even if you aren't suffering financially, it's de rigeur to pretend you are anyway and act appropriately. See what I did there? You now have 4 good solid reasons to actually make some real food in your kitchen. To recap:

REASONS TO FUCKING COOK SOMETHING ALREADY
a.) You won't stew your organs in chemicals and preservatives (as much).
b.) It will please me and Satan
c.) It's cheaper
d.) These days, it's cool to appear frugal and you wouldn't want to be uncool, would you? No you wouldn't.

Gahh, what was I even talking about? Oh yeah: Tahini!
Now, granted, you can't find this everywhere but a jar of it will last you months and months and it doesn't cost much. At the very least, I'm sure you can get it at Asshole Central (aka Wholefoods) or order some online if you live in Nowhere.

So what do we do with it? How 'bout some hummus. Everybody loves hummus, it's the official food of the vegetarian nation.

HUMMUS!!

Tools:
can opener, blender (you can use a food processor, but who even has one of those except for newlyweds and they haven't even taken it out of the box.)

Ingredients:
16oz. can Chickpeas, drained
1/4 cup liquid from chickpeas
juice of one medium lemon (3-5 tbsps)
2 tbsps Tahini
2 cloves Garlic, minced or put through a garlic press
2 tbsps Olive oil
1 tsp Salt/ 1 tsp Pepper (or whatever to taste)

Method:
Put everything in blender. Blend. If it's too thick, add more chickpea juice.
I like to double or triple the recipe because it will keep in the fridge in a tupperware or jar for a few weeks.

Variations:
You can put anything in hummus, more or less. Most spices work well, canned artichokes, frozen spinach, canned red peppers, whatever you're into. My favorite is the basic hummus topped with diced cucumbers, tomatoes and red onion and a splash of vinaigrette. Alright, now I have to break for lunch, this post is killing me.


Okay, I'm back. That was some good hummus. Let's talk about more food!

This is a rant I like to call

WHY WHOLEFOODS CAN GO SUCK A DICK

I don't know if I've bitched about Wholefoods on this blog before. Probably, but I'm going to do it again anyway.

If it wasn't evident from the title, I do not like Wholefoods. I think the whole idea of Wholefoods is smug and annoying in effort to appeal to the smug and annoying among us. I know it's the thing to eat 'NATURAL' and 'ORGANIC' and to pay for the priviledge, but honestly folks - can't you even tell when you're being duped? Well obviously not if I have to go and tell your asses. Get your pretty little eyes and ears ready, because it's Jillian-dropping-some-super-science time:

NATURAL and ORGANIC are SUBJECTIVE terms. Did you get that? Do you know what it means?

NATURAL and ORGANIC are not government regulated. There are no penalties for lying about your product being NATURAL or ORGANIC. Since producing NATURAL and ORGANIC products is much more costly to the manufacturer, and the products labled as such generally sell for higher prices, do you think it is beneficial for a manufacturer to lie about their products being NATURAL or ORGANIC just to make a buck? I'm not going to answer that question for you, I just hope you're revelling in how dumb you've been. And please don't come back with "but I've seen things that say 'Certified Organic' and whatnot - don't say none of this is regulated." Sure, but who is it regulated by? These are still independent bodies, not government controls.

Still don't buy it? I'll give you, hands down, the most egregious use of NATURAL that I have witnessed. A few years ago, 7Up repackaged and remodelled to call it's product ALL NATURAL!! in all of its advertising. The second ingredient in 7Up, after water, is high-fructose corn syrup. High-fructose corn syrup is corn syrup that has been heated and treated in a lab to increase the sugar content per volume. High-fructose corn syrup does not occur anywhere in nature yet 7Up calls its product ALL NATURAL.

The point I'm getting to here is that Wholefoods is built on a bunch of bullshit and trends. People want organic and natural, but they don't have sense enough to know when their being taken for a ride. Hell, people don't even know why they want these things other than being told they want them.

So, why do you want to eat all organic?
"Because they have no pesticides"
Why don't you want pesticides?
"Because they're bad for you"
How exactly are they bad for you, provided you adequately clean your produce?
"Because they're harmful to your body"
Yes, but how exactly?
"Um, err, um, errr..."

What are the differences in your health when consuming regular produce versus organic? What studies have shown the benefit of organic produce? Do you even ask yourself these questions as you're paying 5 times the going rate for a tomato or do you just blindly follow trends? Wash your apple with dishsoap before you eat it and stop being so damn impressionable.

In addition to the fallacies they're built on, Wholefoods staff just makes me want to kill them. Not in a 'gahh, they make me so mad, I'm going to give them the side eye' kind of way, but the 'I want to grab them by the hair and bash their skulls against the wall until they crack open like melons' way. Seriously, they infuriate me.

On the few occasions I have been self-hating enough to pop into a Wholefoods for a few immediate necessities, I have walked out with even greater fury for Wholefoods as a Whole. A few stories, for the children:

I go into Asshole Central to buy a loaf of bread. I go in, get bread, go to the counter. It is not busy and there are a few manned registers with no line at all. I step up to one with a young man behind the counter. I stand there. I clear my throat. I say 'EXCUSE ME! MAY I PLEASE PURCHASE THIS BREAD'. This kid finally takes his eyes off of his FRESHMAN COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY BOOK (oh yes he did) and looks at me like I just walked in on him in the bathroom. Yes, I was loud. I am usually loud because I don't like to fucking repeat myself. I sure as shit do not like to be forced to be loud when some shitty collegiate cliche who is being paid to be there gives me fucking attitude for being expected to do the job for which he is being paid.

The jackass pauses for a beat, giving me the opportunity to both hate him more and shove the bread at him while saying 'RING THIS UP'. He does so in his most petulant fashion - because it's not like people at Wholefoods are paid to be nice to you - sets the bread in front of me and goes right back to reading his book. I say 'CAN YOU PUT THIS IN A BAG PLEASE?', whereupon jackass rolls his eyes at me and says "You didn't say you wanted a bag". Please let me note that all I had on me was a small handbag and it was raining outside. And I was buying bread. BREAD. RAIN. He bags, I mumble something along the lines of 'fucking idiot', he gives me a dirty look, I give him one back and smirk at his pretentious yet immature reading material, shake my head and vow never to shop at the AssFoods again. And I haven't.


You know, I start talking about food and it all devolves into how I hate people. Shocking, truly.

Let's talk about food again, something more cheerful. Like cupcakes. Mmmm, now I'm going to have to get a cupcake (geez, I'm so impressionable). And where does the devil go for sweets?

TIPSYCAKE

Of course, Tipsycake is in Humboldt Park, where all great things are, on California near Division. The buttercream icing here is the best I have ever had in my life and I've had a lot of icing. They also make something called Rugelach, which the Australian proprietess (Naomi, she has a funny accent) assures me is an Australian specialty. I say it doesn't sound Australian, but aside from kangarookoalabearFostersShrimponthebarbie, what does really? Yes, I'm a jerk but Naomi is a friend and friends make fun of other friends' heritages. It's just what's done.

Anyway, go there because it's the jam (baking pun!). They do wedding cakes and crazy 3D cakes too, tell them Jillian sent you and they'll treat you better than just some motherfucker off the street.



So I was going to write up a list of things that you can eat but I got hopelessly sidetracked as usual,

Jillian