Let's Talk About Vegetarians and Superheroes

I WILL SHOVE THAT GIANT MUSHROOM UP YOUR ASS


Who gave meat-eaters the crazy idea that all vegetarians just lose their shit for Portobello mushrooms? Really, someone please tell me who is behind this conspiracy so I can smack them in their stupid faces.

For the record: I am a vegetarian. I have always been a vegetarian.

This does not mean I care about little animals, or support PETA (although I do support them, but more about that later), or want to convert all you meat-eaters out there to my cause. I don't have a cause and I don't care what you eat unless you've taken something that I wanted. I am not depriving myself of delicious carcasses because I think all that mess is completely revolting. Hey, more for you guys, right? Someone has to eat all those cows that get skinned for my shoes and handbags and furniture. You want to eat animals? So what, you like to eat gross things. I think olives are gross too.

I also do not like veggie burgers. So they taste just like real burgers, you say? That sounds horrible. Why would I like fake meat any more than real meat if they taste so similar.

Granted, there are some breeds of vegetarian that can't get enough of fake meat products. Tofu dogs, fake chicken nuggets, veggie burgers, tempeh, setan! Here's the thing, folks: THESE ARE THE POLITICAL A-HOLES WHO WANT TO CONVERT YOU TO THEIR CAUSE. These are the vegetarians that are depriving themselves of something they obviously want and miss so they can espouse their high-minded ideals. And hey: I don't have anything against high-minded ideals EXCEPT when your high-minded ideals make a good chunk of the population assume that I am some judgemental, self-righteous dick who expects everyone to change their lifestyle because I'm sitting here shaming them.

Political vegetarians make me nuts and there are so many of them nowadays. You know why? Because being a vegetarian is EASY now. Every restaurant has vegetarian options right there on the menu and (I really can't stress this enough) people are not shocked by the concept of not eating meat. They might make stupid quips along the lines of "oh my god, aren't you just DYING for a burger sometimes?!", but they understand that vegatarians exist. When I was just a tiny devil, this was not the case. If I went to a nice restaurant with my family, I got to have a small dinner salad or have my mother try to convince the kitchen to make something off the menu. People are so much more entitled these days, they don't think much of making all sorts of demands of any service person. But back in the day (this wasn't even all that long ago as I'm not very old), this was not a commonplace practice. And the staff would still treat me like I had three heads because the chances were good that they had never encountered a vegetarian before.

So here is my advice to vegetarians:
- Stop expecting everyone to cater to you or magically know that you're a vegetarian without telling them
- If you are invited to a barbeque, bring a vegetarian dish that EVERYONE can enjoy. Pasta salad, potato salad, chips, desserts. Don't just bring some gross veggie burgers for yourself or sit and pout because they weren't provided for you by the host. Have you heard that everyone hates a vegetarian? I'm talking about building bridges, people.
- If you are a vegan, just don't tell anyone about it. They will hate you immediately and with good reason.

And here is my advice to meat-eaters:
- Stop asking me if I'm dying for a hamburger.
- When finding out that I've never eaten meat, don't say "You mean you've never had a delicious hamburger once in your life?" Seriously? Not filet mignon, not a $50 T-bone - fucking hamburger. Up until fairly recently (the advent of the fast food lifestyle), hamburger was peasant food. You're all fucking peasants, cut it out.
- If you know vegetarians are coming over for a meal and you want to pick up something special for them, take a second to inquire if they like veggie burgers or portobello mushrooms first please. Now, I was raised to have fine manners and I would never ever ever fail to be polite at someone's home to which I have been invited. And if you've gone to the effort of getting a special food product to cater to my eating habits, then I will do nothing other than act delighted and eat as much of it as I can force down. But again, in the spirit of bridge-building, don't just assume that all vegetarians love veggie burgers and portobello mushrooms.

Now that we're all friends, let's have a brief discussion about PETA


EXPLAINING PETA TO PEOPLE WHO ARE STUPID


People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a political organization known for ridiculous stunts and extreme political views. People Who Are Not Very Smart (a political group that encompasses nearly all Republicans and a solid number of meat-loving liberals) just can't stand them. Can you believe the latest crazy thing that crazy PETA did?!? Who could possibly accept the ideas of a group whose values are just so outrageous?!?

Guess what? NOBODY. Not even the people in PETA. Not even the people in charge of PETA.

Here's what PETA does: they take everything to the logical extreme. And their extremes are really extreme. And ridiculous and totally out there.

Here's the funny part: PETA does not want you to agree with them.

PETA wants you to demonize them as total extremist wackjobs. The funny thing that happens is that people are willing to accept the more reasonable change when there is someone is demanding a huge change. This is what PETA is actually trying to accomplish - the moderate change - and they are remarkably good at what they do.

So please carry on clutching your pearls everytime PETA enagages in their nutty antics, that's how they get the job done.



PHOENIX JONES IS AMERICA'S FINEST CITIZEN


The sexy beast in the header picture up there is called Phoenix Jones. This is not the name his mother gave him and he didn't come out of the womb with that outfit on (well, probably not). Phoenix Jones is a real life superhero who lives and heroes in Seattle, WA. I'm not going to do some trend piece on the emergence of real life superheroes: I don't discuss the trends, I set them. What I want to do is make you feel bad about yourself.

REASONS WHY PHOENIX JONES IS WAY BETTER THAN YOU

1.) He wears an awesome costume

It doesn't look comfortable or breathable but it is bullet-proof and stab-proof. You just mull that over while you're hanging out in your revolting Crocs because your little toesies can't even handle proper shoes.

2.) He is the leader of a 10 member superhero group

Phoenix is the head of the Rain City Superheros: 9 other awesomely costumed, crimefighting badasses. You aren't. Do you even have a secretary?

3.) He risks his life and safety to do the job the cops aren't

I live in a neighborhood that has a lot of drug trade. Drug trade is crime and it leads to other crime, particularly the violent sort. What do the cops do? Nothing really. They ignore it. The neighborhoods that Phoenix Jones operates in have far worse drug trade and violent crime than my neighborhood and he's trying to do something about that. He confronts drug dealers and tells them that they need to get their trade off the streets. When was the last time you told a drug dealer to get the hell off your block?

4.) He helps people who need help instead of assuming someone else will do it

We've all heard the stories of people attacked on city streets while people just walk by and do nothing. If you haven't heard these anecdotes, step away from the blog and go pick up a newspaper already. Phoenix Jones sees this crap going on and he gets right in the middle of it. He's had his nose broken, he's been stabbed, but he just keeps going at it because he wants so badly to do SOMETHING to help people.

5.) He is a hero in his real life paying job

As I sit languishing in my climate-controlled office writing blogs, ordering books on Amazon, and reading dumb crap on the internet, Phoenix Jones does social work.

6.) Phoenix Jones is under 25 years old

According to the reasonably legitimate information I've culled on this guy, he is no older than 23. At 23, my biggest accomplishment on any given evening was hitting some bars with my friends. A good portion of the people I know were/are still living with their parents at 23 years old. I know half a dozen people that hadn't even finished college by the age of 23, even though they had been attending full-time since they were 18. Phoenix Jones is 23 and he's a fucking superhero.