Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Aggravations & General Nonsense



I'm really terribly bored today, guys, so I will spend some time disseminating my particular brand of wisdom on the internet (disclaimer: nothing contained in this blog is intended to be at all wise. Well, maybe the fashion tips)






A LITTLE BACKGROUND






I work a day job!






Yeah, yeah, yeah: you're saying to yourself "But Jillian, you're the devil! It sounds so uncool for the devil to have a day job" annd, trust, I agree with you. But that doesn't necessarily make my dayjob some Dilbert-esque Office featuring Steve Carrell and Rainn Wilson sad-sack operation. We have a corporate chef who appears on reality cooking shows, an in-house masseuse, company outings that involve everyone getting absolutely shitfaced as a rule, and tons upon tons of hot dudes. Admittedly, the hot dudes here aren't of the tattooed loud-music-loving variety of which I am fond. Many of them are pretty douchey. On their off-hours, I picture them wearing polo shirts [I hate polo shirts, but more about that later] with plaid shorts and loafers without socks. Just terrible. But a good-looking man is a good-looking man and I appreciate some pleasant scenery while I'm toiling away at the office. Now, I'm not going to tell you what company I work for or the industry I'm in. Anyone who can manage a google search with some degree of finesse could probably figure it out from the info above and I have a (nominally) professional image to uphold.






Where was I going with all this? Ah yes: I'm bored today because business is slow so I'll give in to the pathetic and incessant pleas of my millions of fans and write something new for the page. Just kidding: no one reads this garbage and I only do it to feed my incredible narcissism.








I HATE POLO SHIRTS



Why on earth would anyone wear a garment so ridiculously hideous? WHY?!?!?!?! The putrid soft collar, the disgusting placket with plastic buttons, the icky little banded sleeves that create an apallingly fey blouson effect. Seriously, you want to wear a sleeve that gay, why half-ass it? Wear a fucking pirate shirt or something lacy ala romance novel covers. I can respect that. Hell, I encourage it. Which brings me to my next point:


MORE MEN SHOULD BE SHOPPING IN THE INTERNATIONAL MALE CATALOG


No, I'm not drunk right now.

I'm sick of how men dress in America. It is so unbelievably dull. Polo shirts (hoooaaaaaarrrrrrrrkkk - that was me barfing), poorly tailored slacks, nearly all athletic shoes currently on the market, cargo shorts, button-down shirts worn without ties on a consistent basis, and nearly everything in a palette of blue/brown/grey. You guys are freaking killing me. Just looking around my office right now, I see 7 dudes in beige slacks and light blue shirts. Gentleman, know this: I want to set your homes on fire so everything in your closets will burn up and you will be forced to purchase new attire. But that doesn't really tackle the issue as you'll just go buy more beige pants and light blue shirts. I hate you for this.

The International Male Catalog (if you are unfamilar, #1 What is wrong with you? and #2 This is what google is for) has panache. In spades. Plenty of panache to spare to your light blue polo shirted lame butt. Suit jackets in bright colors with 3/4 length hems! Crocodile loafers in bright colors to match your insane suit! PIRATE SHIRTS! And a men's underwear collection guaranteed to cause anyone who sees you in them to make fun of you to their friends at the earliest possible opportunity.

Yes, people will talk. They will call you crazy. They might call you gay (which is a compliment because everyone knows that gay men are super snappy dressers). But some, ahem, unconventional gear like that does say "I'm here to participate". Your polo shirt, emphatically, does not.



THINGS THAT ARE DELICIOUS


Falafel!


If you live in Chicago, you need to be eating at Sultan's on a regular. Other things at Sultan's that are delicious: tabboule, jerusalem salad, zatter fettia sandwich, spinach pie.


Vegan Pad Thai!


You know what's totes gross in any sort of veggie and noodle dish? Eggs. Gross. Tonally off. I'm not against eggs as a rule, although I'm terribly suspicious of their motives. I just don't think they work outside of your standard breakfast preparations. And since I'm such a giver, and extremely METAL to boot, I present to you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeZlih4DDNg

[The embed is not functioning. Not very metal, my friends]

Personally, I like to drop some snowpeas and pineapple in it too. Spicy grilled pineapples are truly truly truly outrageous (Jem!). The Vegan Black Metal Chef is the very antithesis of polo shirts, by the way.


Cheese!


I just like cheese, you got a problem with that?




That's enough ranting for now, stay tuned for all new dumb bullshit this week like:

- Movie reviews! Have you seen Coming to America? It's terrific!

- Me complaining about how people dress themselves! Just joshing, you guys all look fantastic (snort)

- More talking about food! Everyone hates a vegetarian, or haven't you heard?



Until next time,

The Devil

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