What the hell is with air guitar?

Hello everybody!

I'm extremely sleepy today because I was out all day yesterday being extremely awesomely metal. How metal, you ask?

Well, we went to see SLAYER. Slayer is the freaking jam. They ruled the school. They had awesome explosions and various awesome flaming setpieces and awesome long hair and they headbanged in an awesome way. In a word: it was AWESOME.

Also awesome:

CANNIBAL CORPSE!

They too played the show! We were getting absolutely baked in the copious sunshine (and those of you that know me know that I look like an underground cave creature who's never before seen sunlight) and shoved up against sweaty strangers, but Cannibal Corpse brought some serious rock to that venue. They aren't Slayer-level awesome, but they did a fine job nonetheless. Kudos and extra props to the lead singer for being quite charming with the crowd.

Now, you know how it goes around here: you rarely get sweet without a little (a lot) of the salty. So....

HERE'S WHAT WAS DECIDELY NOT AWESOME ABOUT MAYHEM FEST:

1.) Marilyn Manson

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Bitch did not even try. I'm not wild about the music of Marilyn Manson but you can usually count on that character for a decent stage show. Granted, we were sitting on the lawn at a big amphitheatre but dude wasn't even dressed crazy. He flailed around the stage while the elaborate lighting burned our retinas out and, whenever there was a break in the musical proceedings, just screamed "CHICAGO!!!" at the crowd. That shit is just cheap. Yeah, people will probably scream at a rock show regardless of what the act is shouting at them, but I would at least like some effort at amusement or originality. I also think that Manson was innebriated in some fashion. Admittedly, the band does do a song about cocaine and rock music has a long and illustrious history with chemical abuse. However, I do have to draw the line when it is so deleterious to the performance. It was crappy. Slayer played just before Manson and they killed (hee, pun intended). Manson came on, didn't even play for 40 minutes, and sucked ass like a was a melting popsicle. We left before they finished, but the early reviews from others in attendance were not dissimilar to mine.

2.) Chicks dressed in various inappropriate fashions

What part of "we will be outside, in the daytime, at a music festival, outdoors, where there are very few chairs and likely we will be sitting on the ground" says "I should totally wear a corset, a miniskirt and spike heels". From what I can tell, that would be the opposite of what you should wear for that type of event. Some things are evening-wear only and anything involving a corset definitely falls into that category. Also in the hideous fashion column:

• Girls wearing bras around like they are shirts. They are not shirts. If they were shirts, they would be called "shirts" and not "bras".
• Girls wearing heels they can't walk in. Looking terribly awkward and/or in pain is not what anyone should be going for in their sartorial endeavors.
• Girls wearing enormous platform boots when they don't have the frame to pull that look off. If you're tall and buxom, it works because there is some balance there. If you are tiny, you just look like a tiny girl with giant mutant feet.
• Cheap-looking crocheted, cropped halter tops sold by vendors at the event. These are hideous, absolutely horrible, yet I saw more than one girl who purchased said item and changed into it. What? You didn't look hideous enough when you arrived? I think you probably did, no need to elaborate on it.

3.) Sweaty strangers

Ewww. Ew.

4.) AIR GUITAR!

Words can't describe how much air guitar irritates me. I hate it, I don't understand the compulsion to do it, and it makes everyone look like a fucking moron. There isn't really an instrument there, so it's not like you're providing some valuable assistance to the band. Moreover, it's not like this "air guitar", when translated onto an actual instrument, would provide the correct notes. The air guitar mutants are just flailing about! The worst is when folks do the half-assed air guitar ala a single hand "strumming" on the thigh area. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WACKING IT, SO CUT IT OUT.

Also included: air drums, air bass, air jazz flute. I am against the playing of all imaginary instruments.

That's it, I'm too tired to further amuse you. Go fetch me a coffee and I may be willing to negotiate.

Go get a real freaking instrument already,

Jillian

UPDATES!!

• I totally saw a hot priest this morning. He was Greek or Italian and looked like a cross between the young priest in The Exorcist and a twink male model.
• The people of Humboldt Park still enjoy bad music.
• I think I have new neighbors downstairs in the apartment formerly occupied by the man known as "Freaky-Deeky Neighbor". The nickname is pretty descriptive of his behavior: he was a superfreak and not in a Rick James awesome sort of way.
• The end is nigh.

Keep it in your pants,

J-Killa

Why does everyone have to be such enormous jackasses all the time?

Ugh, people are so lame. Heterosexual men are the absolute lamest.

Here's the story:

I was at my office yesterday, just doing my thing (being awesome and extremely attractive). I try to keep this blog semi-anonymous; you never know what kind of weirdos you're working with who may have googled you and come upon this little slice of insanity. In the spirit of vagueness, I will only say that I work in a fairly standard office environment with a large sales team of about 60 people. In this business, there are certain vendors that like to ply us with food and booze and tickets to baseball games in attempts to garner our favor. That's super, who doesn't want a free lunch? However, sometimes they take this good-natured bribery in unforseen and undeniably creepy directions.

One particular vendor - I will, for the sake of mystery, call them 'Precise Assemblage' - bought the whole office lunch a few weeks back. The lunch was fabulous but it was merely to distract from the company's sales rep loitering about and annoying everyone in her path. I hate to speak ill of a lady that's just trying to get her sales on, but she is so cloying, so overenthusiastic, so phony that everyone was making efforts to look extra busy so she wouldn't bother them. That was the first instance that characters from Precise Assemblage landed in our office, but not the last.

The first representative of Precise Assemblage singled me out because I order most of the products that we would be getting from this vendor. Fine, I humored her for a few minutes and listened to her spiel. I ended up putting several orders for products through her company, but the products were not delivered and the level of customer service was not acceptable. This is a cut-throat industry and there are plenty of companies that do what Precise Assemblage does, and I was happy to tell them this as I told them they were total crap (in the nicest way possible). Between the original rep and another woman at their office, I must say that they stepped up their game in a significant way since my complaint. I was happy, they were still getting our orders, nothing more to say, correct?

Apparently not. The original representative was back in the office yesterday, along with her boss. I will call him Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut. I made every effort to look extremely busy, talk on the phone as much as possible, or put on my headphones in an effort to keep these two jokers away from me. No such luck. Original rep cornered me by the copy machine and I managed to be nice and dismissive. Once I returned to my desk, Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut saunters over and exclaims "JILLIAN! So nice to finally meet you!" I have never seen nor heard of this character before, so I am understandably perplexed. He goes on to tell me that his name is [name redacted] and he's the orginal rep's boss and he's heard so much about me. Frightening and weird, especially as I'm sitting at my desk and he's looming over me a bit too close for comfort. I make some crack about him knowing my name because I complained and he goes on and on about how it's imperative to get client feedback and all sorts of other jargony things.

Here's where it becomes embarassing for all persons involved:

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut tells me if I have any problems in the future, I can call him directly. I thanked him and said that the original rep and the other woman at their office were so efficient in handling my concerns that I really had no need to call him. He then goes on to say that I can call him even if I don't have a problem: "Well, you are welcome to call me for good and bad things!". Odd phrasing, I agree. THEN, he presents me with his business card and says....

"My cell phone number is on here, that's the BATPHONE. You can reach me there ANY time."

The Batphone

Mr. Smarmy Slick-Haircut seems to believe he's Batman, which I'm pretty sure is like Highlander in there can be only one. If anyone would like the number to the Batphone, send me an email. The person who sends me the weirdest pickup line wins the prize.

I'll show you a caped crusader,

Jillian

So you want more blogs?

The picture above is how I feel about your requests.

So these jerks (you know who you are) have been harassing me to write this blog more often and, occasionally, such harassment is actually effective. Or, I have a lot of free time on my hands, as is the case today.

We need a topic now, don't we? How about some reviews. My opinions are waaaaaay better than your opinions and it would just be cruel of me to keep them to myself.

Here goes....

SOME MOVIES I'VE SEEN LATELY AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT THEM

1.) Pineapple Express

Yes, this came out a while ago but I just got it from Netflix last week. I don't go to see movies at the movie theater ever: it makes for a lame first date, I am not patient enough to deal with the noise and children of other people, I'm old enough to just go to a bar, and I have a bladder like an acorn. TMI? Perhaps, but it's a pretty unfortunate cross to bear.

So, the movie: the movie is not what I expected i.e. a light stoner romp along the lines of Half Baked. It certainly starts as such, but devolves into a surrealist's interpretation of an action movie. For instance, the third major protagonist in the film gets shot something like 10 times during the second half of the film and is perfectly fine without an real explanation why he isn't dead. If you're wondering why I don't know the actor's name, he's the one who never gave Judd Apatow a blow job (cough cough SETH ROGEN cough James DiFranco cough cough cough). He's funny though. Also bizarre and non-sequitous is all the balls-out violence that the movie jumps into. You just....don't expect it from the previews, I guess. Personally, I was pleasantly surprised. I like a solid handful of "this shit just doesn't make sense" as well as a few buckets of blood and effluvia in my cinema.

The Prognosis: Won't cure cancer but would be fun to watch with your buddies while enjoying some cocktails or other things***

2.) Rachel Getting Married

If you have a sister/possibly gay brother who insists on marrying a woman anyway, who is seriously pretentious and has way too many obnoxious artist and musician friends who all think they are the damn bee's knees - this is the movie for you. Or rather, this is the movie to prepare yourself for said relation's nuptials or to convince you to just kill yourself before the twee blowhard-fest gets underway.

Don't get me wrong, this is a really good movie. Anna Hathaway as the bitch-machine former meth-addict/model sister of the eponymous Rachel, who is getting married dontcha know, is divine. Rachel, played by some chick, is beyond revolting. OMG, she's marrying a black dude! HOW PROGRESSIVE! Oh wow, they have so many musician friends who CONSTANTLY play their folksy whatever because they're just so ARTISTIC! How sweet, they have a rehearsal dinner where EVERY SINGLE PERSON makes a speech (because you know how hipsters love listening to themselves talk). Holy smokes, they're opting for saris instead of traditional western wedding attire. HOW UNUSUAL!!!!!! For the love of jeebus, the groom starts singing to his bride during the vows BECAUSE HE'S A MUSICIAN!!!! No, this isn't awkward and kind of creepy (I lied, it totally is). The bridal couple and their friends are just so barfy and, unfortunately, Anne Hathaway's character never takes the piss out of them for being such enormous douches.

The Diagnosis: While definitely engaging, I would have liked Anne Hathaway to call everyone douchebags at least 5 times. That about sums up the douchiness.

[I'm already getting bored with this topic]

Alright, one more:

3.) Special

When I first saw this movie on Netflix, I assumed it was about me (reasonable). Alas, it's an amusing little indie about a guy who gets some good ol' fashioned brain trauma that makes him think he's developing super powers. It's charming and strange and a little sad, but mostly it makes you feel better about lunatics on the street. Maybe they just think they're super heroes and that's why they're shouting at those cars like that. It's a feel good film.

The Prescription: watch this movie, then go have a chat with a homeless.

Okay, new topic.

WEIRD CRAP I'VE SEEN AROUND HUMBOLDT PARK LATELY

I didn't live-blog the Puerto-Rican Day parade this year but, then again, I never had any intention to. I typically opt out as I am not puertorican, I don't like reggaeton, and the only flag I have features an airbrush of that seminal musical group, Poison. Instead, I went to the beach with my sister and then we went out for some mexican food. I'm sure the parade was super awesome: 1 million puertoricans with 5 million puertorican flags couldn't be wrong.

This weekend, I saw possibly the most impractical vehicle imaginable: I think it was an impala, 1970's or early 80's maybe. This is pure conjecture as I don't really know anything about cars (or care). Anyhoo, this bad boy was decked out in a major way. It had HUGE HUGE HUGE tires - easily twice the size of what normally would be on that car, and they had shiny chrome spinning rims (of course). The piece de resistance was that the car had full hydraulics and the hydraulics were being fully employed! I am not exaggerating when I say the bottom chassis (see, that's a car word) was about at eye-level for me. The bottom of the car was 5 freaking feet off the ground, just cruising down Division like "What? Everybody cool has a ridonkulously tall car with giant wheels that probably don't even fit in the wheel wells". I tip my hat to you, you crazy impala virtuoso!

At the Fruteria: those of you that know me well know how I feel about the mighty Fruteria. I love it and its wacky denizens, although I could probably do without the smell of the butcher shop in the back. I was in the Fruteria, as I am almost daily, after work one day last week and I overheard the most fascinating conversation. The proprietor of the establishment was having an argument with this young gentleman - the proprietor had accused the gentleman of stealing a carbonated beverage the day prior and the young gentleman said he did not do such a thing. IN FACT, as he effusively defended, he would never steal! If he wanted something, he would just take it, while stealing implies he would be trying to be sneaky about it. I know what you're thinking: what the hell is the difference? Well, as the young gentleman was trying to explain, he has no need to be sneaky, as he is such a bad ass that he would just take things flagrantly without hiding his actions. While that does clarify his position slightly, it certainly did nothing to assuage the proprietor's concern over that young man absconding with items he had not paid for, sneakiness or not. Ah, crazy people.

Outside the Fruteria: also last week, I was walking past the Fruteria on my way to work at 8am or so when I had this bizarre interlude: there was a big delivery truck parked on the sidewalk and, unless I'm mistaken, it was from Chicago Beverage. For those not in the know, Chicago Beverage is a major distributor of booze to stores and restaurants/bars in the city and I'm calling them out here because the people who work for them are damn crazy in the brains. Or one of them anyway. To wit: I am walking past and the delivery man is loading a dolly on the side of the truck as I am walking past. I get a few feet beyong where he is standing when he yells "HEY!! DID YOU JUST GRAB MY ASS!?!?" Um, no. "I SWEAR YOU JUST GRABBED MY ASS!!" I assure you, sir, I did nothing of the sort (yes, I really talk to people like this). "Well, where you going? Come back here!" I'm going to work, I don't have time for this. "AWWW, CMON! Come back!" And my final response was: Sir, it's too fucking early for this shit. And it really was. I do have to complement his technique for sheer insanity; if he was good-looking, it would have totally worked.

In the spirit of the anecdote above, I present to you....

A LIST OF BAD PICK UP LINES

(that will still work if you happen to be very attractive)

1.) "HEY!! DID YOU JUST GRAB MY ASS?!?!"

2.) "Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Lily Taylor?", from a man with total Gollem teeth (watch Lord of the Rings if you don't catch my meaning) decked out in head to toe bright peach linen with white alligator shoes. While Lily Taylor is, no doubt, an attractive woman, she's easily 20 years older than me and I look young for my age. Stupid Gollem-teeth.

3.) "Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world", employed by me in my college years. I am very attractive so this line always worked.

4.) "Hey baby, let's go back to your place and do some math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply", said at one point to my friend, Kris. Even if you are the sexy lovechild of Henry Rollins and the lead singer of Type O Negative, this line is too fucking gross to work ever. If you are even considering saying this to someone, you should probably get your head checked as you are CRAZY IN THE BRAINS. And not in a fun way.

5.) "Hey baby my name is (insert name) How are you?" Response: " I'm fine." Rejoinder "I didn't ask how you looked, I asked you how you were doing", also provided by Kris. Granted, this is beyond cheesy but, if you were the above mentioned sexy love child or even just regular ol' Henry Rollins, this would get you a laugh and a number.

On a slightly related note:

If you are on duty as a postal carrier, you should not be hitting on people.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. They're government workers? They wear uniforms? They could be fondling the books I buy from Amazon? Who knows? But I do declare, this is wrong behavior. Upon exiting my office one day with a female friend, the postal carrier outside (a severely obese and slovenly attired gent - therefore not covered by the "do whatever you want because you're really hot" caveat) first feigned a heart attack, then said something along the lines of "I'm going to have to serve you two ladies!". Naturally, my friend and I looked at him quizzically, whereupon he stated "It has to be illegal to look that fine!", thus implying that we should be served with legal summons for being so attractive. Buddy, just deliver the fucking mail and keep your commentary to yourself.

That's all I got for today, folks. Stop your bitching.

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease,

Jillian

***I'm talking about finger sandwiches. Stop being such a miscreant.