Hillary, you're pissing me off...and why Scientologists are stupid.

Ya know, I don't want to hate you, Hillary. I would love to throw my hat in the ring with what could be the first female president. But I swear to God woman, you make it really fucking hard.

I was watching the news last night....well, actually I was reading a book and the news was on, but I caught the important stuff. I was half listening to a feature about my man B's new campaign commercials. Ya'll bitches know I love Obama, and I respect his consistent push for bipartisanship. It's vital that Democrats and Republicans stop thinking their job is to act like bickering toddlers and do some fucking work already. Anyhoo, Barack's new commercial features some prominent Republican dude not getting smeared, but actually endorsing Obama.

[Yes, I grant that my detailing of this case could be better, but this page isn't about politics. You want some proper politics, just sweep your eyes over to the right side of the page and click on Bridget's blog. All the politics you can handle. Hell, you can call her up and talk about politics for hours, I'll give you her number. She's very pretty and single too, I may be able to convince her to take you to Taco Bell...]

So I hear this bit on the news and I'm all "Good for you, B! Way to build bridges and play nice with others. You truly are a shining example of all that's good in this world." The news broadcast cuts back to the reporter who is providing Hillary Clinton's take on the new ads:

"Republicans will do anything to avoid running against Hillary Clinton in 2008"

WHAT? DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY? OH MY GOD! Hillary, seriously, you're killing me. I might have even been tempted to support you over Obama (unlikely, but possible), and you go and act like an arrogant shithead. Really. And don't even get me started on your choosing Celine Dion for your campaign song. That bitch is Canadian! You may as well have just picked some Ravi Shankar, to truly appeal to your demographic: middle-aged white former hippies who like to think of themselves as progressives but have come to the realization that they still don't like black people much. A hurtful assertion? Yes, but Hillary, your attitude needs some serious fixing.

On to other obnoxious things...




Let's play a game. Pretend, if you will, that the whole theory of evolution and basically every other scientific principle is out the window. Humans were transplanted and grown on this planet by aliens. Oh yes, you heard me correctly. If you take a rewired Easy-Bake Oven and attach some electrodes to it, you can measure your alien vibrations. Tom Cruise is an adherent. Does all of this sound completely nuts to you? Of course it does, because it is completely nuts.


Scientology is really stupid. I could go to the effort of putting together a smart and cogent attack on this "religion", but it's so unnecessary. These bitches do all the work for me. How about a list? Here you go...


Why Scientology is Stupid


1.) The Evil Lord Xenu

"Um, so your 'god' is an ancient alien named Xenu? Who's going to return and take you all away on his intergalactic space bus? Uuuuuuuuuuh, alright."
How could anyone take anything called fucking Xenu seriously? And alien worshipers are crazy.


2.) L. Ron Hubbard

Christian: "My faith was started by a man named Jesus, around 2000 years ago. People say he did miracles and was the true son of god. The book his buddies wrote about him is the most published and translated book in the world."

Jew: "My faith is very ancient as well, begun by the prophet Moses in accordance with god's law. The Torah is pretty damn popular too. Have I mentioned we're The Chosen People?"

Muslim: "Muhhamed is a true prophet of Allah, and that cat Jesus was also god's prophet. A whole shit load of people are real real into Islam, it's the fastest growing religion in the world."

Scientologist: "My religion was started in the 1950's by a science-fiction writer with more than a few screws loose. Our god is an alien named Xenu."


3.) Scientologists hate gays

I was at the Pride Parade this weekend, and I defy anyone to hate a 9ft drag queen with the tenacity to sport a full length ball gown and a huge feathered headdress in 90 degree weather. Not possible.


4.) Scientologists hate science

You would think a cult (yeah, I said it) with 'science' in it's name would be into, you know, science. Alas, no. Modern medicine? Phooey! Where's my Easy-Bake Oven? That can cure anything with it's super alien love rays. Psychiatric drugs? those just make you kill people. Autism? never heard of it, my kid is just shy. I got some news for you freaks: the only way your wacky devices are going to cure anything is if you turn them on high and stick them under the sofa until you all die in a fiery inferno. Honestly, shit like this makes Creationists look reasonable.


5.) The Celebrity Factor

I would think that if you're famous and also crazy, you might want to keep it under wraps that you do insane shit like worshiping aliens. Or, at least, your publicist would want to keep that under wraps so as not to frighten every single person anywhere you go. But my, those Scientologists love to buck convention. Tom Cruise anyone? Bitch hasn't made a good movie in years and years, instead relegating his entertainment career to showing the public how he's quickly becoming completely unhinged.
John Travolta? Oh, evil lord Xenu, will you please keep that man from opening his mouth? And, also, could you possibly keep him from going in public ever as well? I know that seems harsh and a bit oppressive, but I think you'll understand that he's not helping your cause. I know he's high profile, but he does look like this when he's doing photo calls for big-budget movies he is in...






















Yes, my friends, that is a wig. A bad wig, in fact, with very obvious lace showing. There really is no excuse.



In other wacky Scientology news, Tom Cruise is slated to star in some movie about the guy that tried to assassinate Hitler. However, Germany (the entire country of Germany) won't allow them to film there because Tom Cruise is a Scientologist and those bitches are batshit crazy. No, really, that was their reason. Who wants to move to Germany?




Where I come from, they call me....
Jalien