Public television is letting the terrorists win

You know I tackle the tough subjects here. No topic is too contentious, too provocative for me to shy away from. I won't be frightened away from my journalistic duty.


I'm saddened and dismayed to find out that PBS has turned to the dark side. I have a special place in my heart for PBS and their usually excellent programming. Nova is on the cutting edge of science, Nature is consistently providing novel views into animal behavior, and the cooking shows (albeit noticeably absent is a vegetarian cooking show, what the shit PBS?) are among some of the finest around. Even with the popularity of the Food Network and shrieking gremlins like that Rachel Ray and other "personality chefs", PBS offers us dignified professionals with an international elan and a passion for their craft. And no-one is shouting "Bam!" as he sweats crystal meth into the gumbo.** Such is why I'm so disappointed to report that Andrew Vierstad may have been replaced.

You all know the delectable and charming Mr. Vierstad from his superb program, Scandinavian Cooking. He is by far my favorite TV chef. Andrew's delightfully (and mildly) accented cadence takes us around the world to various obviously frigid locales to prepare local favorites with a sophisticated enthusiasm that's never to precious or overly reliant on cute acronyms (I'm talking about you, Ray). To further highlight the cuisine and environment, Andrew typically prepares his dishes outside while donning designer parkas (hot!). Scandinavia is oftentimes, you know, really really cold but that does not hinder our brave Mr. Vierstad. He copes by taking swigs of whatever alcohol he's using in the ingredients to stay warm, and this merely adds to his charm and understated swagger. Swear to god, I saw him chugging cooking sherry one time.

So imagine my shock when I tune in to Scandinavian Cooking this morning, and there is no Andrew (aka my future husband). Instead, the show is New Scandinavian Cooking, hosted by Claus Meyer. CLAUS MEYER!!??! Who the fuck is that? PBS has decided to camp shit up with this bright plaid shirted clown, who's invective is mere shades away from outright psychotic raving. Enthusiasm is good, lunatic arm flailing and a seeming incapacity to control the volume of one's voice is bad (take note, Rachel). Maybe The Vierstad was just to subtle for PBS, so they decided to go with more vocal accent. The problem with this is that Claus sounds substantially more Germanic than Scandinavian, and it is terribly unnerving. Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger waiving his arms and shouting "Fish cakes! Don't burn the fish cakes!". It's bad enough that an overzealous Austrian meathead has taken over California, but my beloved Scandinavian Cooking as well? The horror, the horror...

Considering this recent turn of events, I can come to only one reasonable conclusion: Austria is the enemy, and we must do all we can to defeat them. It appears as though Austria has finally thrown their hat in the ring, choosing the side of the Axis of Evil in America's generally fruitless and destructive smackdown in the middle east. I also believe that they have abducted my beloved Andrew Vierstad and are holding him prisoner in an underground compound, torturing him by ripping out his fingernails or playing "The Safety Dance" very loud.

This is a sad turn of events, my friends. Please aid my in my campaign to bring democracy to the world and free Andrew by sending your angry letters to PBS. Don't let Austria prevail. Don't let the terrorists win.


Your partner in freedom,
Jillian




**I'm sure you know who I'm talking about, that fat fuck Emeril Lagasse. Here is a special treat for you all, some celebrity gossip that's not just hurtful lies: Emeril is an obnoxious faker. He is from New Jersey, not New Orleans - the city his entire career capitalizes on. I could take that, but he takes it too far. Aside from demanding that employees in his restaurants be New Orleans natives, he forces them to watch training videos about what it means to be from New Orleans. And he's from Jersey. Asshole. [Info provided from someone who underwent said torture]. Also, I went to one of his restaurants in New Orleans with 4 other people, and everyone hated their food.