Everybody wants to be me

You know it's true.


I apologize for neglecting my journalistic duties, but it's been non-stop chaos here at Evil HQ. In case you're wondering, those crazy bitches fucking up my friends' wedding plans are still in full effect. One of them has been wailing for days about how no one came to her birthday party; she somehow interpreted my insulting her to her face as us being super good buddies and decided that I didn't show up because I was influenced by the angry bride (note: I didn't go to her birthday party because I don't like her. This is America, I don't gotta like everybody - it's in the Constitution). The other major trouble maker was trying to do damage control all weekend because I caught her on the bus obviously carrying on with a man who is not her long-term live-in boyfriend. Yeah, she's a ho, but I'd have to actually care about her to care if she was a cheating tramp - and alas, I do not. 16 days and counting until this insanity is over.

In other news...

Saturday, I attended a delightful party in honor of my friends' Jason and Erin's birthdays as well as a bon voyage for my hot piece of man meat that's moving to Japan (booooo!). One of Erin's friends brought a pinata filled with tampons, condoms and KY jelly mixed in with the candy and toys. I brought jello shots which caused, in part, an epidemic of drunkenness at the event.

This weekend is the bachelorette party for my girly who's getting hitched soon. It should be an abomination, to put it nicely. I'm bucking convention and bringing my hot ho, David, as my date. Tune in next week to see how dramatic the proceedings turned out (ooooooh, it's gonna be bad....).


I'm feeling self-indulgent today.

Considering that, I shall indulge in one of my favorite activities about one of my favorite subjects. Today's lists are all about me.

I know how badly you all want to be just like me, and why wouldn't you? I rule. Here is some handy information for you to emulate your idol (me).

Jillian like things. These things, in particular...

Jillian's favorite foods

1.) Tomatoes
Dammit, I just can't get enough. I also heard they keep the cancer away. Handy, considering all the things I do to promote cancer.

2.) Crunchy Peanut Butter
Fuckin' A, is there a finer nut-based spread than crunchy PB? I think not.

3.) Pizza
I love pizza. I would eat it for every meal if I could. My favorite is still Piece in Wicker Park, although they have a disconcerting habit of allowing metal shards to fall in the food. Unsettling but, like a gay cowboy, I just can't quit them.

4.) Caeser Salad
There was a 6 month period a few years ago where I consumed little else but caesar salads for every meal. Even breakfast. I'm sure my breath was appalling, but I couldn't control it. I've gotten my habit down to 4 or 5 a week, thanks to the Salad Patch (TM). The Salad Patch is a product I've pioneered to combat caesar addiction: it's an anchovy wrapped in lettuce taped to my upper arm. Considering the stench, it's a wonder that anyone is willing to hang out with me. Oh, I forgot....the smell of my awesomeness is far more overpowering than stinky canned fish.

5.) Creme Brulee
I make a lot of desserts, but this is the only one where I want to consume the entirety of my labors.

Special Bonus Treat
- I don't merely bask in the adoration of my fans, I give back to the people too! For your enjoyment, here's one of my favorite recipes. Go forth and take over the world with...

New Potatoes ala Jillian

I invented this recipe while working on a meal showcasing fresh summer herbs. I assumed it would keep well if I made too much, so I used 10 large new potatoes for a crowd of 5 people. There was a ton of other dishes, but the potatoes were still decimated. The only conclusion I can come to is that this is the most delicious potato preparation in the world.

--New potatoes (the ones with the red skins) : go with about twice as much as you think everybody will eat, 2 large or 3 medium potatoes per person.
--Unripened goat cheese, also called Chevre (it's very soft and creamy, looks like a white log)
--Extra virgin olive oil
--Heavy whipping cream
--Fresh garlic, and do not even try using the minced garlic in a jar. I'll find you and beat you.
--Chopped fresh chives
--Salt and pepper to taste

I never measure anything when I'm cooking, but I'll say the directions below work for approximately 10 largish new potatoes. Increase or reduce appropriately according to your needs.

With skins on, cut potatoes into 1 inch chunks and boil until soft. Combine 5 ounces Chevre, 1/3 cup olive oil, 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream, and 5 or 6 large garlic cloves - diced finely. [Note: the fresh garlic is key because it's so pungent in the recipe that it's almost spicy. You do not get the same effect from the garbage in the jar, so don't mess]. Using a hand mixer, whip the mixture until fluffy - 2 to 3 minutes. Add 1/4 cup freshly shopped chives and mix lightly. Drain potato chunks, allow to cool slightly, and combine with goat cheese mixture. Serve to guests and enjoy being called a culinary genius.


Jillian's Favorite Movies

Looking for some entertainment? Just ask yourself "WWJR?" -- What would Jillian rent?

1.) Anything by Pedro Almodovar.
This bitch is a motherfucking genius. He writes and directs all of his films, and they run the gamut from horror/fantasy (Pan's Labrynth) to unsettling romances (Talk to Her). I'm delighted that the P-man has gotten so much notoriety in the U.S as of late, do yourself a favor and check his shit out. My personal favorite is Bad Education which, of course, should be your personal favorite too.

2.) Big Trouble in Little China
"We really shook the pillars of heaven last night, didn't we?" Yes, you did, sir; yes, you most certainly did.

3.) Blade and Blade II
Everybody knows I enjoy me some monsters. Add super awesome sword fights and an astoundingly dry performance by Wesley Snipes, and it's about the best thing in the world. Also, if you've not heard, the first few minutes of Blade is the finest opening scene ever conceived in any movie ever made ever in the world. And if you've not heard that, where the hell have you been?

4.) The Golden Child
I am fully aware that Eddie Murphy is a dumb douche bag and all of the movies he's made recently are....how to put it?....um, let's just say EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING for him. Allow me to take a moment to address Mr. Murphy directly:

An Open Letter to Eddie Murphy

Yo! Eddie, my man! How's things?

Actually, buddy, I know how things are. They're pretty fucked up for you these days. You knocked up Ugly Spice and tried to deny that the kid was yours. Dude, I was was shocked too to find out that she wasn't a post-op transsexual, but isn't the threat of AIDS and the dreaded syphillerpes enough impetus for you to put a damn condom on? Have some sense. And speaking of having sense, we need to chat about the movies you've been doing.

Norbit? For reals? I know how much you like dressing up as overweight women; this is a quirk your close friends have been dealing with for many years now. But me and your bros are more than a little concerned that you're parading your sick proclivities for all the world to see. Crossdressing is cool, but fat suits are just deviant. Yeah, you were funny as the donkey in the first two Shrek movies, but I heard the third one is a giant steaming pile of feces. Not to mention that these are kid's films. Really, E to the M, what gives?

An intervention is in order, my friend. You're coming over tonight and we're going to watch The Golden Child: not only your finest work, but possibly the best movie ever made. I know it's going to hurt to see how far you've fallen, but we have to do this. Kev, Lil' G, and Pookie are coming over too and we've got all your favorites: Bold n Zesty Chex Mix, roasted suckling pig, white zinfandel, and pineapple Boone's Farm. Just don't make this a repeat of when you came over last week; that hooker you brought left coke all over the bathroom and stole a bunch of my panties. Viva Nepal!

With Love,
Your best friend Jillian






That's it for now, my darlings. I must get back to work spreading the word of the Dark Lord and returning my overdue library books. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked. Wicked awesome, that is!

Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves,
J-Killa