Holy crap, why does anyone do this?

Those of you that don't know me well may be surprised to learn how little of my actual personal life is committed to this page. You read correctly: I hold a lot back, and the entries here are a mere fraction of my day to day insanity. Aside from pondering ways you can hang out with me every day, I'm sure you're curious as to why someone as generally candid as I leaves the more personal information out. I have a few reasons. My friends probably wouldn't be too keen on being blog fodder for much more than their drunken antics, and I respect them enough not to skewer them too badly in a public forum. I don't mention my romantic life either because I wouldn't want to bust on my super mad game. I ain't a player, I just crush a lot.

So, it is with some trepidation that I compose the following tale. I call it...

THIS FUCKING WEDDING IS DRIVING MY ASS CRAZY


Some good friends of mine are getting married next month, and I am stuck being a bridesmaid. That, really, is a bad enough fate. However, as of the weekend, I have realized what a nightmare this event may turn out to be. Do you know what the problem is? The other fucking bridesmaids. For the sake of diplomacy and my friend's sanity, I've been playing nice with this gaggle of self-involved bitches for a few months now....but my patience is waning.

I am not a wedding fan. Sure, it's fun to go to them and get shit-faced, but being involved in the planning of such events is a particular torture unto itself. Super dooper for anybody who is actually into this trifling crap: I really don't care what you like and I'm not here to say marriage is stupid or wrong. I don't give a fuck about marriage: It's probably not for me, but that's not the point. Weddings are stupid and wrong. The planning, the high expectations that everything be perfect....and, apparently, finding the dumbest, rudest, most inconsiderate women you can find to be involved in said event.

Now that last statement is awfully inflammatory, but I concede it is based on my current wedding experience and a rerun of Bridezillas on TV. That's about all the ammo I require for a crass generalization.

Needless to say, I am very disappointed in the majority of bridesmaids involved in the upcoming nuptials. I'm sure it's not a stretch for persons who've never planned a wedding themselves to understand what a large undertaking it is and that it may prove stressful. Why is it, then, that these bitches feel the need to cause extra problems? In fact, the only problems with the wedding so far have been regarding these women. They aren't all bad: there's myself and one particular lesbian that actually make an effort to be useful for our friend. Allow me to repeat: OUR FRIEND. Not some hated relation that's roped these girls into wedding servitude: someone who, in theory, is a close friend of all parties discussed here. What gives?

I'm sure you're thinking "What could they have pulled to elicit such ire, Jillian?" (in addition to being the best-dressed and most interesting person you know, I am also psychic). "Perhaps you just have a low tolerance for dumb peoples' dumb antics, or you're merely bitter for having to show up in public swaddled in lilac polyester satin." While that's not exactly untrue, these chicks have really pulled some crap:

* At the bridal shower yesterday, only 2 of 7 bridesmaids showed up. YEAH, THE FUCKING BRIDAL SHOWER. I would rather undergo bowel surgery, spend a week in a sealed container full of corpses, or wear Sketchers than go to a motherfucking bridal shower. Yet, I was there (getting drunk). Not fucking cool, guys. The bride and groom were genuinely hurt and upset.
I mildly admonished one of these ho's via myspace earlier today, and she thought she was going to try and put me in my place by giving me a sob story about her "if you must know, health problems" that magically and mysteriously cropped up out of the ether on a Sunday afternoon. First off - come on, girl, stop lying. She told the groom earlier in the day that she had cramps, not the ominous "health problems" she was trying to sell me today. And any woman of drinking age knows that claiming cramps on a Sunday afternoon to get out of a boring event means you're hungover. This girl was barely a blip before, but now I really have no respect for her. I'm not giving the others who skipped out a pass on this; they're dicks too, but at least they had better sense than to hurl some overly defensive bullshit at me so I know clearly that they're liars.

*One particularly insane attendant refuses to purchase a hideous lilac dress in a size that fits her. Oh yes, she is one of that obnoxious breed that think her self-worth is somehow linked to the size of clothing she wears. I'm fully aware that she doesn't have a shred of common sense a good portion of the time, but this is completely ridiculous. I'm typically an 8, but the monstrosity I purchased is a 12. Oh well, nobody can see the size on the tag while I'm wearing it even if I did care about such a trivial thing. The loony in question fit nicely into a 14, but ordered a 12 anyway. The 12 arrived and she can't even get into the thing. Instead of ordering a new dress that fits, she plans to starve herself down a few sizes before the wedding. In 3 weeks.
I already know how this is going to turn out: she won't be able to fit into her dress, she'll throw a dramatic tantrum and refuse to be in the wedding, the bride will freak out and start crying, and I'll have to yell at everyone to shut the fuck up and deal with the problem. Oh, and take apart loony's dress so I can perform some field alterations and sew her into the damn thing moments before the ceremony. I am not looking forward to this.

* Two of the bridesmaids have planned the lamest goddamn bachelorette party ever. EVER. I won't go into details, I'll only say Come on, ladies! The last I checked we weren't all sheltered middle age housewives and neither is the bride. LAME!



These are only a few examples of how little these girls care for their friend. It's real shitty and I may be forced to come up with a new threat to get these bitches in line for the wedding. Perhaps offering to get an air rifle for the bride for the day of the wedding - they know, as well as I do, that the bride will open fire on everyone even close to causing trouble. Mostly, I'm just shocked at how jerky they're being overall. If anyone has some good suggestions for dealing with these bitches, please comment. I've tried diplomacy and logic, but that's a losing proposition with this crowd. Right now, my best idea is to slip them some drugs that would make them more amenable without falling down or losing consciousness.


To the bride and groom: If you even read this page, sorry for dragging your shit out but I needed to vent. I can always take the post down if you like. Kisses.

To the bridesmaids: I'd be very surprised to find out you read this, mostly that you can actually read (ohh, that was low, but I don't much bother being nice to people I'm indifferent to at best). Anything I've said about you is, unfortunately, very true. Instead of bothering me with your outrage --again, I don't care if you don't like what I say, so save your breathe-- be less of an asshole to your friend.


This is what I get for caring,
J