I'd say I am going to be America's Next Top Model...

But I wouldn't want to limit myself. I'm international, bitches.


Oh yes indeed, that magical day has arrived. Tonight, Tyra Banks will introduce the world to her evil cult's Class of '07, systematically destroy their self-esteems, and remake them in her image. I love that shit.


Although I'm not the first to say it, you may not have heard this particular theory yet. Brace yourself, here it comes:

America's Next Top Model is a picture perfect example of cult indoctrination practices.


"What? Jillian, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard"


Hey, it's totally true. And don't call me stupid, you know I'll stab a bitch. There have been a number of esteemed papers published by actual science types on this very subject. If you're unfamiliar with the show, let's take a look at their set up:

- First off, the shows deals with the modeling industry which is notorious for fostering poor body images, unattainable physical ideals through the magic of Photoshop, major eating disorders, and drug addiction. So, basically hating yourself and lies. Much like Christian theology, it's an excellent place to start your cult.

- A handful of girls are picked out based on dubious criteria, segregated from society, and forced to live together in a secret compound.

- Cult members...uh, I mean contestants are allowed to speak to their loved ones on the phone, but only under the watchful eyes of the video cameras.


That's just the basics, there's more:

THE RELIGION
One might be tempted to say the "religion" of the show is fashion, but that's way off the mark. There's actually very little concern with fashion, aside from the obscure designers paraded past the girls on a regular basis and the fact that they tend to wear clothes. The religion is MODELING, as if modeling was some lofty goal akin to earning a Phd in astrophysics. While thinking people understand that modeling is a career that is mostly dependent on inborn physical traits, the cult tries to convince it's members that ANYONE can be a model if they would just do everything the evil cult leader tells them too. A baldfaced lie? Of course it is, but cults lie. That's why they're bad.

THE CARGO CULT TIE-IN

Allow me to school you briefly on the concept of cargo cults:
A cargo cult is a religious sect that requires, as part of it's main religious theory, that something will eventually be delivered to the religions adherents. This "cargo" will be supplied by the cult's deity in return for it's members devotion and compliance with cult doctrine. One shining example of a cargo cult is Christianity. And what are they waiting for, what is the divine cargo that the good little Christians will receive? The new messiah, of course.
The Catch-22 of cargo cults is that the eventual cargo arriving would render the religion itself obsolete. So, naturally, the cargo never arrives. Have the Christians gotten their new messiah yet? They keep predicting when this event will occur, and they keep being all sorts of wrong. No matter, they just adjust their theories and make lots of excuses for their errors and the cult persists in the same line of thinking (that lacks any sort of common sense, but alas).

THE CARGO
Well well well, the divine prize in America's Next Top Model is, of course, becoming America's next top model. The show would have you believe that these girls need only to beat out their immediate competition and they will be rocketed to incredible stardom, usurping any big names out there in the fashion world and dominating the industry. Granted, there is a concrete prize: a modeling contract with a drugstore make up brand and various commercial spots associated with the show. But for all the refrains of "High Fashion! High Fashion!" from crazy Tyra, where are all of these Top Models in the high fashion world?
The sad fact is that no one on this show has gone on to have any career as a high fashion model. They're not on runways, they aren't doing spreads in Vogue, and they don't have any associated ad campaigns with fashion labels. They do their term for Covergirl and they fade into obscurity. Yet, the show perseveres despite truly being a failure. What, haven't you been paying attention? That's exactly how cargo cults work.



THE CHARISMATIC CULT LEADER
No cult would be complete without the Charismatic Cult Leader: our very own Ms. Banks. As the focal point of the cult, the leader must be a true megalomaniac. She knows all, has seen it all, and is the only one who can tell you how to do it right.

First, the leader will tell you how you have it wrong. Your hair is bad, your clothes look like they came from the damn mall, you need to lose a few pounds, you walk funny, you look ugly in your pictures. This is especially rough for these girls to hear; these girls are so tall and pretty that they've spent their lives having people tell them nothing but how beautiful they are and how they should totally be models. To come into the arena they've dreamed about for years and be told they're hopelessly inadequate is absolutely crushing.

But, there's hope! All of their flaws can be fixed! And how is that possible? By doing everything the cult leader says. They get invariably drastic makeovers so they no longer look like themselves, they change their personal style, they move differently, and they are constantly impressed upon to live and breathe the transformation. ONE OF US, ONE OF US!! The girls that change themselves the most are the ones who receive the most positive feedback from the judging panel. And on that note...

THE JUDGING PANEL
Seriously, they don't even try to hide the cult overtones with this crap. Stand front and center before a collection of people who are better than you so they can tell you what you've done wrong. It's almost unheard of that a contestant will go before the judging panel and not receive any negative criticism. The photos are amazing, the girl is fantastic in person, and she's won every challenge in the competition....they'll find something bad to say anyway. Can't let these girls think they can't benefit from the cult's teachings, so this practice reinforces their dependence on Tyra and the show.



REASONS WHY TYRA BANKS IS SUPER EVIL

1.) Supposedly, these girls are all real tight with Tyra. On camera, she likes to play that she's everyone's bestest buddy and she really CARES about these young women. Uh huh. Every time Tyra appears, the girls immediately start shrieking and freaking out and shouting "Oh my God! It's Tyra! Tyra, Tyra, Tyra!". Do you do that every time you see your bestest buddy, or say, someone who has given you a leg up in your chosen career? Hell, no. No one acts that way, Tyra makes them do it. Because she's crazy.

2.) God forbid someone doesn't behave like a kicked dog, Tyra will scream her giant forehead off at them. Cult members are regularly berated for acting too friendly with the "higher ups": fashion designers, photographers, or the collection of obscure wierdos that make up Tyra's entourage. What is too friendly? Making polite jokes or speaking to them as though they were equals. Yes, they really do this.

3.) Tyra keeps an entourage of overly made up eunuchs who are all forced to answer to the name "Jay" (ex. Miss Jay and Jay Manuel). That is so bizarre it could only be in the context of a religious movement.

4.) The cult members must do everything that they are told. Case in point: Jay Manuel tells one model that she should be practicing her poses before her photo shoot, and the model replies (politely) that she's confident she's had enough practice. The girl does a fantastic job, takes great photos that are lauded by the judging panel. Regardless, the girl is still yelled at by Tyra for not having followed Jay's orders, even though they were an unnecessary demand. Because you do what you're told and don't think for yourself, automatons!


But the biggest issue is....

THEY TORTURE THESE GIRLS
-They make a point of casting based on personality as much as looks. Why do you think there are a few supremely bitchy girls with no social skills on every season? With their terrible attitudes, they would never stand a chance in an industry already oversaturated with tall skinny beautiful girls that keep their damn mouths shut. Yet they get put on the show anyway because they make for good drama. All these silly girls are forced to live together in close quarters and the mean girls make it unpleasant for everyone.

-The girls barely sleep. Not because they want to spend all their time partying; the show maintains an unreasonable schedule of events intending to make the contestants sleep deprived. You're far more likely to get sick if you are stressed and sleep-deprived, and they producers love when the girls get sick. Because they get to baby them and prove how kind they are? HELL NO. There hasn't been a season yet where some poor girl wasn't screamed at by Tyra and her minions for having the audacity to complain about illness. The girls are told that sick isn't an option, and they'll never survive in the business if they don't suck it up and get to work. Maybe for a little sniffle, but these girls are regularly taken away in ambulances for their various maladies.

-They speak and act in contradictions. All of you girls are living together, you should be acting like sisters! Now we're going to pit you all against eachother in various "challenges" and give fanatastic prizes to the winner. The winner also gets to choose a friend or two to enjoy the prize, so that the girls are forced into creating cliques amongst themselves and fostering jealously amongst the other contestants. Tyra and her minions all care about you, we're your good loving friends! Ha, just don't treat us like we're your friends or talk to us as you would to your friends or ever consider doing anything other than exactly what we tell you to. That's not how friends behave.
This seems rather transparent, but treating people this way over a period of time will eventually drive someone crazy. It creates paranoia and stress because the girls never know what kind of response they'll get due to the constant inconsistency of the cult's leadership. It also keeps the cult members from making their own decisions, as they are forced to constantly query the cult leaders for whatever the "right" answer or position will be that day. SNEAKY!



Well, that's my lunatic tirade for the day. I'll be hosting a party of my favorite ladies and homos this evening for the event. It starts at 7:00pm CST, and we'll be enjoying cheese, wine and the debasement of pretty girls. Make sure you don't miss it! If you do, I'm going to tell Tyra and don't think she won't show up at your place primed and ready for Chinese water torture.



You better work it girl,
Jillian