You're going to change, right?

I know you've all been on the edge of your seats, bursting at the seems, and eager little beavers for my opinions on the events of last week. You don't have to tell me: you can't even leave your homes without some direction from me (and that's probably wise). With the drastic weather change over the last few days, the situation has become particularly dire and I hate to let my adherents down. Fret not, my pretty little ponies. Salvation is here!

I am speaking of fall fashion, of course.


New York Fashion Week wrapped up a few days ago, and I have culled the highlights from the sea of stupid ass garbage that was appearing on the runways. As we (the royal "we") are wont to do here at Evil HQ, I present to you a list! No, two lists! The best and the worst, get your notebooks ready...

BEST FALL TRENDS 2007

1.) Dresses

Yes, all the designers are still doing dresses like they've been at since the Spring collections. Fall is featuring short dresses again, but in heavier knits with longer sleeves. A big trend also is layering long sleeved shirts under more summery weight dresses, and it's a good way to transition from your summer wardrobe. It's about layering, and layering is your Chicago-weather friend.
HOW TO FUCK THIS UP: Wearing pants under your dress. No. I repeat: NO. Leggings are solid, but jeans or anything remotely pant-like is way way off. Also, wearing summer fabrics and patterns into winter is bad. Light weight cotton poplin and linen are summer only, and bright flower patterns or anything that looks at home on the beach won't do. So don't do it.

2.) Gray

As usual, I'm well ahead of the trends. I've been pushing gray since the beginning of the summer, and now all of the designers are hot for it. They must read my blog too. Gray is a supremely versatile neutral, and it looks fantastic with bright colors. Instead of black tights, do charcoal gray tights. Instead of a black or tan overcoat, opt for gray wool. Gray is also showing up on a lot of shoes; it looks especially fly in suede.

3.) Yellow

Fuck yeah!! As my devotees know, yellow is my favorite color. It's also a color that is widely hated, unjustly, by many. Go figure. I've been seeing yellow cropping up in the last few seasons, mostly in accessories. A handbag or some plastic bangles in the shade are good for the more color shy of you. It's great with bright red, white, gray, and even tan and khaki shades. For the ballsy, just go nuts and hook yourself up with some fly yellow apparel. You're here, you're queer, and you're not going anywhere!
PALE FOLKS: choose lemon or school bus yellow, and run screaming away from butter and mustard.
DARKER SKIN: bright true yellow may work for you, but if you're iffy, try a deeper gold shade or something in a sherbet pastel (not too pale, but not quite a bright).

4.) Cinched waists and strong shoulders

The shapeless sacks from the summer have gone the way of the warm weather, my friends, and a more structured sillouette is on the menu for fall and winter. Fitted jackets are everywhere; if you have coats that are loose on you, take them to the tailor and have them altered to fit you well - especially through the waist. Belted trenches are huge, and belts in general were seen on everything. The shoulders are more defined in the new styles, without crossing the line into giant 80's shoulder pad sillyness.
HOW TO DO THE NEW BELT: Bitches, please stop throwing a random belt on over t-shirts so you look weird and awkward. Loose blouses and oversize sweaters: cinch at the waist with a thick belt and blouse your top a bit (I said A BIT) over the belt. A skinny belt over a buttoned cardigan is adorable on nearly everyone. Belted tops work best with skirts, and Satan forbid if I see someone wearing a belt over a shirt with belt loops visible on her pants. If you plan to keep it on, throw a belt on over a buttoned jacket that's well-fitted. Most dresses work well also; if you're skittish about trying this (for seriously peeps, belts were EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING), throw a thick bright colored one over your little black dress for evening. Way cute and all sorts of fashionable.

5.) Tights

If you're fortunate enough to enjoy the abomination that is winter in Chicago, then you know how necessary tights are. Textures, colors, and everything in between. What wasn't there: black tights. Last fall, everything was fucking black tights. This year, replace all of your black tights with gray tights. Still matches nearly everything, but you look much cooler. I know you: you need all the help you can get.
I have always had mad love for colored tights, and super duper bright is what the designers are pushing. I dig it and do it, but I'm a revolutionary who doesn't mind getting made fun of (by homeless people) for my sartorial stunts. Plus, bright colored tights are for fun and not for work. For a more demure option, pick up some eggplant, chocolate brown, deep blue (not navy - navy is barf), gray and burgundy. Forest green looks especially rad; even the anti-fashion gang people in my 'hood give me a shout out when I have mine on. Or maybe they just want to sell me some rocks.

6.) Jewelry and handbags

Fuck the designers, I'll tell you what's what. Their take is super huge monster sacks that could easily fit a 5 year old child. I assume, since you have internet at your disposal, that you aren't bag ladies - so don't carry out a giant bag lady bag. That shit just looks sloppy.
JILLIAN'S TREND
Go for interest. That extremely general, but take a quick gander at your hand bag. Is it solid colored? Probably a neutral color? Plain and boring? Get rid of it. Pick up something in a bright color; true red goes with a lot more than you would think. Patterns are nice, texture is a buzz word for the season. If you just can't part with black or brown, switch to something in a shiny patent leather. You'll thank me when people stop calling you a dork behind your back.

Jewelry was pretty sparse on the runways, so I'll just tell you what will not be okay:
- a bunch of necklaces in varying lengths
- the Sicilian horns - massively played out.
- nut beads and shells - over, over, over!
- crucifixes - good for keeping vampires and me away, but that's about it
JILLIAN'S TREND
I like long necklaces: a single interesting necklace, or a few of the same length and a similar feel. I just came upon a long gold rope chain with a green pingpong ball sized plastic apple hanging off it; the apple has a single leaf in gold, covered with clear rhinestones. It is, undoubtedly, the jam. I was rocking it the other day with my gold plated maple leaf pendant on a gold chain the same length (and my green galoshes, cuz that's how I roll) to much aplomb.
Bangles are still good, but lean toward one large rather than a mess of skinny ones. Plastic and notably lucite are great.


WORST FALL TRENDS 2007

1.) Shorts

Or rather, MOTHERFUCKING SHORTS. For reals, people? For cold weather? I am no proponent of shorts for any season, but Fall and Winter are just ridiculously impractical. Short shorts only look decent on the very tall and very slim. If that doesn't sound like you, guess what? You look like thick-thighed crap in your shorts. And please don't accuse me of hating on thickness in any respect, I'm plenty thick myself. I just have this ridiculous idea that you should dress to flatter what you've got rather than just wearing any old thing you found in the main display at Old Navy (or losing weight, of course). For all seasons, if you want to show your gams, put on a skirt. You are a girl (or a tranny) after all, you won't be shocking anyone and it's far more flattering.

2.) Puff sleeves

As of the last time I checked, I'm not five years old. Yes, I wear my hair in pigtails from time to time, I have a penchant for funny socks, and I just can't seem to get silly galoshes out of my system. But yet, I still look like an adult. The short puff sleeves that designers are flaunting this year are downright infantilizing. If you are over 15, you cannot do this. If you want to throw caution to the wind against my advice, you best make sure you have extremely slim upper arms. You'll look ridiculous still, but at least it won't be squeezing arm flab (hey, I have it, whatever).

3.) Neckties

Um, is Avril in the house? Cuz I left my machete at home. Surprisingly, I saw this with a lot of lines this season. It's fucked, just say no.



What the hell, how about a 3rd list while I'm on a roll....

THINGS YOU NEED TO PACK AWAY PROMPTLY

1.) The babydoll shirts

Is it a dress? Is it a shirt? Is it completely unflattering and looks like maternity wear? If you can't cinch it reasonably with a cute belt at the waist, it's gots to go. Shapeless is out, and you need at least a DD cup for a babydoll top with an empire waist to flatter you rather than just make you look fat. Yes, really.

2.) Boot cut pants or jeans

The flare at the bottom, even if it's subtle, looks very dated. If you're still sporting actual bellbottoms, I'm just going to slap you. STRAIGHT LEG! Skinny jeans and pants, wide leg, or anything in the middle: lay the pants down flat, and they shouldn't taper in or out between the knee and the ankle.

3.) Super low rise pants

Honey, didn't you get the memo? That shit is done, not that it was a fantastic idea in the first place. Can you say Muffin Top? Cuz I can, and I'm talking about you.

4.) Ugly shoes

This includes: athletic shoes that are good for actual athletics, Ugg and fake Ugg boots (hello 2001! Why won't you die?), and flats on most people. Yes, some folks can wear flats and they look great. These are people who have long slim legs, SMALL NARROW FEET, and enough definition between ankle and calf that people aren't shouting "Cankles!" out of their car windows. Please note, that doesn't describe most people. I'm above average in height and I have a pretty sexy pair of legs - yet flat shoes with a skirt on me makes me look short and dumpy. I'm a supermodel, so you can just imagine how you would look. You want comfortable shoes? Get flat, knee high boots. Those suit nearly everyone.





I hope I managed to set you all on the righteous path for Fall fashion. Please feel free to direct any follow up queries to me; I'll get together with the homeless in the alley and we'll come up with a solid solution for any of your sartorial worries. Help me help you....to not look like such a fucking douchebag. That really is the best reward.


You still won't look as good as me,
J-Illin'