Let's Eat Some Things!

Oh my word, can I fucking tell you people how sick I have been this week? It's been awful, I thought I was going to die. It was 3 solid days of fevers, hot and cold sweats, and a horrifying hacking cough that, after a full day of it, caused immense strain and subsequent shooting pain through all of my abdominal muscles. The cough and pain was so bad on Day 2 that I threw out a muscle in my back causing me to fall over and then crawl to my bed where I lay, nearly paralyzed, for about 9 hours. I know I'm being entirely too dramatic, but you just tell me you're any better when you're sick. I pride myself on not being crippled, so it's especially harsh when I find myself so.

In addition to all the joy above, I have had no appetite at all, subsisting on lemon lime soda and anger alone. And that's not a meal, folks.

Miraculously, my appetite has returned! I'm quite pleased and, obviously, hungry. Never one to be stingy with the good moods (or bad moods for that matter), here's a list!


THINGS THAT ARE GOOD TO EAT

I don't know about you but, personally, I like to eat food.

TAHINI

Tahini is sesame seed paste and it's in all sorts of things you love (by 'you', I mean 'me'), like hummus and jerusalem salad. Now, I know how folks do these days: nobody cooks anymore and you all live on packaged prepared foods (and by 'you', I mean 'you' cuz I don't pull that shit). Good for you, you're slowly stewing your organs in preservatives and chemical additives. Would it kill you to make something from scratch once in a while? No, it wouldn't.

If that's not enough incentive (in addition to the obvious notion that it would please me and curry favor with your lord Satan), packaged prepared foods are much more expensive and the economy sucks. Even if you aren't suffering financially, it's de rigeur to pretend you are anyway and act appropriately. See what I did there? You now have 4 good solid reasons to actually make some real food in your kitchen. To recap:

REASONS TO FUCKING COOK SOMETHING ALREADY
a.) You won't stew your organs in chemicals and preservatives (as much).
b.) It will please me and Satan
c.) It's cheaper
d.) These days, it's cool to appear frugal and you wouldn't want to be uncool, would you? No you wouldn't.

Gahh, what was I even talking about? Oh yeah: Tahini!
Now, granted, you can't find this everywhere but a jar of it will last you months and months and it doesn't cost much. At the very least, I'm sure you can get it at Asshole Central (aka Wholefoods) or order some online if you live in Nowhere.

So what do we do with it? How 'bout some hummus. Everybody loves hummus, it's the official food of the vegetarian nation.

HUMMUS!!

Tools:
can opener, blender (you can use a food processor, but who even has one of those except for newlyweds and they haven't even taken it out of the box.)

Ingredients:
16oz. can Chickpeas, drained
1/4 cup liquid from chickpeas
juice of one medium lemon (3-5 tbsps)
2 tbsps Tahini
2 cloves Garlic, minced or put through a garlic press
2 tbsps Olive oil
1 tsp Salt/ 1 tsp Pepper (or whatever to taste)

Method:
Put everything in blender. Blend. If it's too thick, add more chickpea juice.
I like to double or triple the recipe because it will keep in the fridge in a tupperware or jar for a few weeks.

Variations:
You can put anything in hummus, more or less. Most spices work well, canned artichokes, frozen spinach, canned red peppers, whatever you're into. My favorite is the basic hummus topped with diced cucumbers, tomatoes and red onion and a splash of vinaigrette. Alright, now I have to break for lunch, this post is killing me.


Okay, I'm back. That was some good hummus. Let's talk about more food!

This is a rant I like to call

WHY WHOLEFOODS CAN GO SUCK A DICK

I don't know if I've bitched about Wholefoods on this blog before. Probably, but I'm going to do it again anyway.

If it wasn't evident from the title, I do not like Wholefoods. I think the whole idea of Wholefoods is smug and annoying in effort to appeal to the smug and annoying among us. I know it's the thing to eat 'NATURAL' and 'ORGANIC' and to pay for the priviledge, but honestly folks - can't you even tell when you're being duped? Well obviously not if I have to go and tell your asses. Get your pretty little eyes and ears ready, because it's Jillian-dropping-some-super-science time:

NATURAL and ORGANIC are SUBJECTIVE terms. Did you get that? Do you know what it means?

NATURAL and ORGANIC are not government regulated. There are no penalties for lying about your product being NATURAL or ORGANIC. Since producing NATURAL and ORGANIC products is much more costly to the manufacturer, and the products labled as such generally sell for higher prices, do you think it is beneficial for a manufacturer to lie about their products being NATURAL or ORGANIC just to make a buck? I'm not going to answer that question for you, I just hope you're revelling in how dumb you've been. And please don't come back with "but I've seen things that say 'Certified Organic' and whatnot - don't say none of this is regulated." Sure, but who is it regulated by? These are still independent bodies, not government controls.

Still don't buy it? I'll give you, hands down, the most egregious use of NATURAL that I have witnessed. A few years ago, 7Up repackaged and remodelled to call it's product ALL NATURAL!! in all of its advertising. The second ingredient in 7Up, after water, is high-fructose corn syrup. High-fructose corn syrup is corn syrup that has been heated and treated in a lab to increase the sugar content per volume. High-fructose corn syrup does not occur anywhere in nature yet 7Up calls its product ALL NATURAL.

The point I'm getting to here is that Wholefoods is built on a bunch of bullshit and trends. People want organic and natural, but they don't have sense enough to know when their being taken for a ride. Hell, people don't even know why they want these things other than being told they want them.

So, why do you want to eat all organic?
"Because they have no pesticides"
Why don't you want pesticides?
"Because they're bad for you"
How exactly are they bad for you, provided you adequately clean your produce?
"Because they're harmful to your body"
Yes, but how exactly?
"Um, err, um, errr..."

What are the differences in your health when consuming regular produce versus organic? What studies have shown the benefit of organic produce? Do you even ask yourself these questions as you're paying 5 times the going rate for a tomato or do you just blindly follow trends? Wash your apple with dishsoap before you eat it and stop being so damn impressionable.

In addition to the fallacies they're built on, Wholefoods staff just makes me want to kill them. Not in a 'gahh, they make me so mad, I'm going to give them the side eye' kind of way, but the 'I want to grab them by the hair and bash their skulls against the wall until they crack open like melons' way. Seriously, they infuriate me.

On the few occasions I have been self-hating enough to pop into a Wholefoods for a few immediate necessities, I have walked out with even greater fury for Wholefoods as a Whole. A few stories, for the children:

I go into Asshole Central to buy a loaf of bread. I go in, get bread, go to the counter. It is not busy and there are a few manned registers with no line at all. I step up to one with a young man behind the counter. I stand there. I clear my throat. I say 'EXCUSE ME! MAY I PLEASE PURCHASE THIS BREAD'. This kid finally takes his eyes off of his FRESHMAN COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY BOOK (oh yes he did) and looks at me like I just walked in on him in the bathroom. Yes, I was loud. I am usually loud because I don't like to fucking repeat myself. I sure as shit do not like to be forced to be loud when some shitty collegiate cliche who is being paid to be there gives me fucking attitude for being expected to do the job for which he is being paid.

The jackass pauses for a beat, giving me the opportunity to both hate him more and shove the bread at him while saying 'RING THIS UP'. He does so in his most petulant fashion - because it's not like people at Wholefoods are paid to be nice to you - sets the bread in front of me and goes right back to reading his book. I say 'CAN YOU PUT THIS IN A BAG PLEASE?', whereupon jackass rolls his eyes at me and says "You didn't say you wanted a bag". Please let me note that all I had on me was a small handbag and it was raining outside. And I was buying bread. BREAD. RAIN. He bags, I mumble something along the lines of 'fucking idiot', he gives me a dirty look, I give him one back and smirk at his pretentious yet immature reading material, shake my head and vow never to shop at the AssFoods again. And I haven't.


You know, I start talking about food and it all devolves into how I hate people. Shocking, truly.

Let's talk about food again, something more cheerful. Like cupcakes. Mmmm, now I'm going to have to get a cupcake (geez, I'm so impressionable). And where does the devil go for sweets?

TIPSYCAKE

Of course, Tipsycake is in Humboldt Park, where all great things are, on California near Division. The buttercream icing here is the best I have ever had in my life and I've had a lot of icing. They also make something called Rugelach, which the Australian proprietess (Naomi, she has a funny accent) assures me is an Australian specialty. I say it doesn't sound Australian, but aside from kangarookoalabearFostersShrimponthebarbie, what does really? Yes, I'm a jerk but Naomi is a friend and friends make fun of other friends' heritages. It's just what's done.

Anyway, go there because it's the jam (baking pun!). They do wedding cakes and crazy 3D cakes too, tell them Jillian sent you and they'll treat you better than just some motherfucker off the street.



So I was going to write up a list of things that you can eat but I got hopelessly sidetracked as usual,

Jillian