Celebrity Gossip of the Day!

HOT BREAKING NEWS: Dick Cheney was caught raping the bloated corpse of Jerry Falwell. In his defense, Cheney responded "well, that tease would never give it up when he was alive and he honestly doesn't look any different."


MADONNA EATS BABIES!: Have you noticed how Madonna looks a bit like she should be living under a bridge lately? It's no coincidence! After giving up Kabbalah and having no luck getting into Scientology (she's too creepy for them), Madonna has a new religion: Ogreism. Madonna is now an ogre and, as is made painfully obvious by the state of her mug, she is embracing this new philosophy wholeheartedly. She decided on this new path when it became terribly clear that she wasn't going to garner any good publicity for her African baby purchase. She had to put that cute little baby to some use and, you guessed it: she ate him! Waste not, want not, Madge!


SCIENTISTS HAVE PROVEN....ice cream only has 10% of the fat and calories if you smoke it instead of eating it.


OPRAH, A CYBORG?: You betcha! Dr. Phil, however, is not a cyborg. He's merely a pudgy old cracker that is stupid enough to take orders from a talk-show hosting cyborg. Idiot.


MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY TO UNDERGO CUTTING EDGE SURGERY: Twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson, encouraged by recent innovations in separating conjoined twins, have opted to undergo a new groundbreaking procedure: they are planning to become conjoined twins! Since they're basically one person anyway, it only makes sense to inhabit a single body. The details are: each twin will have one leg removed, as well as part of their livers, and be fused down their sides up to the waist. The arms on both twins will be left intact, so as to treat the public with highly amusing conjoined-twins slap fights.


ANGELINA JOLIE QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"I like my kids like I like my beer: imported. Domestic children don't have that full bodied flavor that I crave."
Yes, that's right, Angelina Jolie eats children. Hanging out with Madonna much?


BLAKE LEWIS DEAD!: Blake Lewis, runner-up for this year's American Idol crown, was murdered by an angry mob shortly after the live announcement show. On the show, Blake appeared in a duet with Doug E. Fresh, thought by many to be the original beat-boxer and infinitely more awesome than Lewis could ever dream to be. A mob of old school hip hop afficionados grabbed Blake as he was exiting the Kodak theater. Shouts could be heard from the assembled rioters, "I'll show you BEAT BOXING, you little wannabe bitch!", as they proceeded to beat him to death with boxes.


LOCAL NEWS: The International Mr. Leather competition is being held in Chicago this weekend. The early favorite to take home the title is our own Intern Steven! Come out and show your support for a hometown boy in assless chaps!