An open letter to Bill Gates

Damn you, Bill gates! I know we had that falling out after I grabbed the last bottle of grapefruit juice at the Fruteria...I slapped you, you slapped me, then the hair pulling...but I thought we had put that behind us. Why do you feel the need to keep me from watching bad horror movies on netflix?

I attempt to use the new netflix features, and the site tells me I have to employ the dreaded Internet Explorer. Now, that's not hating on you personally, Bill: Internet Explorer sucks ass, you told me so yourself when we were in Vegas for our "girl's weekend". This was after you did a dozen body shots out of Kevin Federline's navel, so you might not remember clearly. Anyway, I open netflix with Internet Explorer and it says I don't have the right version. That's just fucking like you, Bill: I remember that time you saw my Louis handbag and thought you all clever saying "Uh, Jillian, that bag is so Version 4.0!". Catty bitch, I know you were just jealous (note to my readers: he was totally sporting Ugg boots at the time!).

I go to the Microsoft site to get whatever stupid downloads and patches I need to jimmy my system into not being obsolete after two minutes, and could you possibly pack any more black, small print text on these pages?! Bill, in case you're drunk while reading this (there's about a 200% chance of that), THAT WAS SARCASM. I go half blind trying to find the bullshit I'm looking for, and I get a new screen where you happily tell everybody that you need to "authenticate" my version of windows by sending me a bunch of spyware. This seems awfully familiar, like that time you installed hidden cameras in the men's room at Microsoft HQ to "authenticate" the rumors about the size of Rick's package.

I manage to download Internet Explorer 7, which is what netflix (must be owned by your new boyfriend) says I need to play bad horror movies, restart my computer, reopen Explorer, go to netflix....AND IT STILL SAYS THAT I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT SOFTWARE! WHAT THE FUCK, BILL! I did everything I was supposed to, but am I enjoying The Hunger right now? NO, I'M NOT! So yes, I get it, very funny. You got me good this time.

In the spirit of reconciliation: I'm sorry I told everyone at the club that you looked like an over the hill streetwalker in that fuschia wig you were trying to rock, but "club kid" is just not a look that works for you. You left your rhinestone nameplate necklace in my car, I'm going to messenger it over right now along with a case of grapefruit juice (and a case of Bombay, you dirty lush ;) Please, please, please make my computer work. Besides, if you don't, I'm going to tell everyone what you and Jude Law were up to last weekend. I saw the stains!

Kisses,
Jillian