THE DEVIL PAGE Top 10!

Hi there everybody,

It's a slow day over here at Evil HQ, so I've been indulging in some celebrity gossip online. Aside from the fact that I have no clue who most of the people they're talking about are, it appears to be Celebrity Rating Season once again. I know, I know, it seems like it was only minutes ago that a bunch of self-impressed brain trusts with better than average looks patted themselves on the back for something or another...oh wait, it probably was only minutes ago considering how many awards shows these idiots like to throw for themselves.

Anyhoo, a number of magazines that I don't read have compiled lists of who they think is the most beautiful or sexy or whatever, because lord Satan knows that the only interesting thing about anyone is what they look like. Boy oh boy, did they get it wrong though. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan is the sexiest woman alive, but that's only because I refused to appear in the magazine that writes the list (shit, if you want nearly nude photos of me, you'll just have to hide in the bushes outside my windows like everyone else, dammit!).
HOT CELEBRITY GOSSIP! Lindsay Lohan has Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, also known as Mad Cow Disease. Even more shocking: she caught it from Oprah! Even even more shocking: Oprah got it from eating Dr. Phil who, as everyone knows, is a mad cow.

I've decided to compile my own list because, as everyone knows, my taste is nonpareil. For your enjoyment, I present....

JILLIAN'S TOP 10 HOT ASS BITCHES

1.) Henry Rollins
Oh Henry, how do I adore thee? It's been a while since we've spoken, and I know now that it was a mistake to dump you for Brad Pitt. He's got nothing on you, baby (and all he wanted was my superior genes for his breeding experiment. Hope you like my leftovers, Angelina!).

2.) Hot Nerd
There is some show on about FBI guys that solve crimes or something, I have no idea what it's called, but there is one seriously hot nerd on that show. I love me a hot nerd.
*I have done some research and Hot Nerd, shockingly, is not actually named "Hot Nerd". His name is Matthew Grey Gubler (even the name sounds nerdy, be still my heart!) and the show is Criminal Minds.

3.) Christian Bale
Hey "Batman", make some more movies where you run around naked. Thanks.

4.) David Stuckey
If you've not yet heard of this Social Worker turned Male Model turned Astrophysicist turned Actor, just you wait! He's going to be EVERYWHERE once his show "Walker, Texas Ranger: The Early Years" debuts. It showcases Walker (texas ranger) in his wild youth as a gay Chicago scenester and his subsequent spell at a Christian de-gaying camp that turns him into the steely eyed lawman you all know and love.

5.) Nick Cave
Yeah, I know dude's ugly, but he has more talent in his schlong than everybody on all of those other lists plus a thousand. I know this from experience, heh heh heh.

6.) David Boreanaz
He has some show on tv these days, blah blah blah. I recall his deliciousness from the esteemed Hot Man and Monster Show (although their press offices keep trying to convince me the show was called "Angel" or some nonsense).
Honorable Mentions
- British Hot Man from The Hot Man and Monster Show
- Black Hot Man from The Hot Man and Monster Show
- Bleached Blonde Hot Man from The Hot Man and Monster Show

7.) All the dudes in The Covenant
While I admit that the plot left much to be desired, as well as the acting and special effects and....well, you get my point....the one thing this movie didn't scrimp on was scantily clad "teenage" boys. And they are good looking. Jailbait-licious I would be tempted to say, if the actors playing highschool students weren't actually in their late twenties. Any possible opening for these talented actors (by "talented", I mean "foxy") to remove their clothes, the makers of this movie had them do so. So to you, makers of The Covenant, a salute! May you continue to make soft-core porn for girls, passing it off as "supernatural thrillers", for the rest of your days.

8.) Seth MacFarlane
You know how women say that a good sense of humor is more important than looks? They ain't lying. In case you're hopelessly out of touch, Seth writes and produces Family Guy. Any day of the week, Seth. Call me.

9.) Neil Patrick Harris
I'm here to give you the straight facts (pun intended) about ol' Doogie's recent announcement that he's a big 'mo. I admit, I made him do it. Neil and I have been engaged in a steamy romance for many a moon, and my psychotic jealousy just got the best of me. Yes, ladies, I know he's a perfect specimen of manhood, but I wouldn't have had to take such drastic steps if women weren't running up to him and throwing their clothes off every time we went out in public. So I made him "come out of the closet" so we could get a little peace from the women stages SWAT-type attacks on the home we share in Paris. Now he has gay men shoving their cocks in his face constantly, but that doesn't bother me at all.

10.) Taye Diggs
I don't know if you actually have a job these days, but I've recently promoted my cabana boy to intern. I'm keeping the position open, waiting for your inevitable (and excited) call. Kisses, and make sure you wear your speedo to the interview.


There you have it, the only list worth listing.