What does Memorial Day weekend mean to you?

To me, it means the International Mr. Leather Competition.

Yes, this is real, and it happens every summer in the Chi. Go Downtown (downtown proper, not stupid suburban I-call-every-part-of-the-city-downtown-because-I'm-dumb) any evening this weekend, and you will see flocks of leather daddies on the streets. Shocking and delightful! I mean, when do you ever see leather daddies downtown, and in such amazing numbers?


I know I've been a bit negligent on the postings here this week, but I've had a terrible head cold. Being sick makes me about 83% meaner on average, so it's not that evil has left the building along with my good health. Evil hasn't left the building, and neither have I. I haven't been hitting the streets to menace middle age hippies with retarded petitions (against 'bad juju' or some other hippie nonsense. stupid hippies...I have a story here, I'll share it eventually), interacting with drug dealers in the 'hood, or getting made fun of by homeless folks. I've been inside, working and being crabby. I hate being sick. Life sucks, I hate everything.

Alright, got that out of my system, back to the major problem at hand: International Mr. Leather. My comrade, Sleepy, wants to attend the Black & Blue Ball on Monday night (blue ball! heehee!). So the quandary is thus: What do I wear?

I know, I know, those of you lacking vision will, of course, say that I should go with bondage gear or leather at the least. Evil lord Satan knows I wouldn't have to go shopping, but it just seems so ....OBVIOUS. It's adorable to hear kids say they're bucking convention by dressing goth or punk or whatever it is people do these days, but it's really just choosing a different culture to conform to. Hey kiddies, how different are you REALLY when all your friends look exactly the same as you (and not a one of you is doing anything innovative, by a long shot)? That's just a somewhat unrelated aside, but the point is that I'd rather go against convention than just go along with the crowd - even if the crowd in question is a lot of men in leather harnesses and assless chaps. So...the options for the Black & Blue Ball are:

1.) Cheerleader
--I have this nutty, super super short, micropleated mini skirt in baby pink that I've just been waiting on a proper event to work. I got it for a dollar at a yard sale and loved the hell out of it, but it's too short and too pleated and too pink to get away with in everyday vernacular. Also, I've got plenty of junk in my trunk (eat your hearts out bitches!) and it looks kind of like an opaque tutu - very costumey. All I'll need is some ponpoms (does anyone out there have a pair?), white sneakers, and some kind of jersey. Plus, I look darling in pigtails.

2.) Prim 50's Housewife
--The antidote to leather daddies, I just need some little white gloves.

3.) The Devil
--Why only rock the devil horn's on Halloween? I could fabricate a new pair in black and blue in homage to the ball. Seems a little too on their mark though, and I would prefer to go against the grain.

4.) Indian Princess
--I don't think this would do, but I rarely get to sport my sari and it's extremely comfortable (and sparkly). Plus, massive amounts of giant gold Indian jewelry.


I'm leaning towards Cheerleader right now. Maybe I can borrow a bullwhip from my neighbors down the street and do Bondage Cheerleader, I'd really like to wear that ridiculous skirt. I may just have to get Intern Steven over here for a little fashion show. I can see the scene in my head already: I'm halfway inside the closet, hurling fabulous garment upon fabulous garment at Intern Steven while he wobbles about trying to support a giant pile of clothing in his arms and dodging shoes as they go whizzing past his head. The other scene I see is Intern Steven languishing on the couch, cigarette in one hand, dry martini in the other, looking too cool and inherently blase. Sip of cocktail, drag of cigarette, one cocked eyebrow, and the line "Jillian, doll, you could be wearing a garbage bag and everyone would look like they attired themselves in roadkill next to you." You're so right, Steven.

Pray to Satan for my speedy recovery,
J Killa